wawasworld

Britney on CNN

I'm not an avid CNN watcher by any means, but Britney Spears appearance caught my eye. You've all heard her quote on Tucker Carlson's show, where she said we should support our president, and he knows what he's doing, yadda, yadda, yadda. Since Britney and I are good friends, I got her on the phone and grilled her on her controversial appearance on our top news channel:

Wawa: Hey Brit

Britney: WAWA! Hugs and Kisses from the road. What's up?

Wawa: Saw you on CNN last night. I don't know. Don't you think what you said was kind of dim?

Britney: Oops, I did it again! Remember the Rio disaster when the PA system caught me cussing? I just wanted to absolutely DIE! I wanted my momma's grits at that point. Wawa, I caught alot of flack about that. Now everyone is calling me, like, stupid for backing our president blindly.

Wawa: I thought what you said was worse than your cover of Joan Jett?

Britney: Who's Joan Jett?

Wawa: Um . . .she wrote "I love Rock N' Roll" You covered it on your last album?

Britney: I thought that was Pat Benatar? I DO LOVE ROCK N' ROLL, though. So, like, why are you calling? I'm a busy girl. I have a tanning appointment in 10 mins.

Wawa: Well, I was just worried about you, that's all. . . I don't know if that was such a good thing to say, about trusting our president. You're an entertainer, not some political analyst.

Britney: OH MY GOD, WAWA! Don't worry about little old me. I'm ok. He asked a question, and I answered. I mean, as if I care about .. . um ...Iraq, is it?

Wawa: Yes, Iraq

Britney: Did you see my album sales in Iraq??? I was so dissapointed. Maybe now that . . . hmmm . . .. Hussein, I think, guy is out, the people can buy my records. Hopefully those people will get TV soon so they can see me unveil my Super Bowl commercial.

Wawa: Well, ok, but how do you think the iraqi people feel about us just coming in like we have?

Britney: HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME! I'm so not having there lip. Once they get Westernized, they'll see that Bush had the right idea. Well, Wawa, this has been like sooooo much fun, but I gotta run. You know, tanning? Byeeeeee

Madonna, Britney and Christina

Before the MTV VMA awards, Wawa's world scored backstage passes to watch the red-hot rehersal of Britney, Madonna and Christina before there performance. Take a look at the world's hottest pop-divas collaborate on one spicy number:

Britney: Ok, like, I walk down the stairs of the Wedding cake and swivel, and, like Christina follows me from the other cake, right? (Britney mouths) left, right, left, right. Oh my god, this cake is like so tall!

Madonna: Right, then Christina you start on the 2nd verse

Christina: Yo, I don't want to be following that skank ho. Why don't she get to go afta me? Why am I always Numba 2?

Madonna: You lost all rights to go first when you went Black

Christina: You betta be talking about my hair, Grandma

Madonna: Um . .. yes, I was talking about your hair

Britney: So I strut to the front of the stage. Strut, Britney, strut. Man, these shows are such productions.

Madonna: Then Christina comes out to the front of the stage. I need water now to cleanse. (screaming) WILL SOMEBODY GET ME SOME GODDAMN WATER! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?????

Britney: I'm a Slave 4 U, Maddy. Let me get you that water.

Christina: Daaag, I didn't see you kiss this much ass when we was on The Mickey Mouse Club.

Britney: Whatever. Your taking my sloppy seconds on tour with you this summer. You're not anything to me.

Christina: What you say to me, Biatch????

(Christina and Britney start Quick Hand Slapping each other)

Madonna: Ladies, Ladies. FOCUS! If I've learned anything from Yoga, it's FOCUS!!!!

Britney (Glares at Christina): Yeah, Focus

Christina (Raises arm to slap): Yeeah, you betta focus, Brit

Madonna: Now, I'm going to come from the floor, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, and both of you will kneel next to me on either side. Then I will lift Britney's head up first, and plant a soft sensuous kiss on her lips. She will fly away like a little bird, FLY BIRD FLY, and then I will lift Christina's head up, and plant another soft sensuous kiss on her. She . .. .

Britney: Whoa. Maddy, I love you and all, but like, your friends with Sandra Bernhard and you slept with Dennis Rodman. I am soooo not kissing you. You have like herpes.

Christina: That's what you don't have, Brit. You don't have an edge. I'm feeling this . . . I'll get low-down withcha, Madonna.

Madonna: Britney? Are you in or are you out?

Britney (sigh. . .chest heaves)(Sorry, I just had to get Britney's chest heaving somewhere in here. Also, this may be the worst piece of shit I have ever written!): I'm in

Christina: Shit, you gonna steal my thunda again.

Britney: Like, oh my god, what thunder?

Christina: Oh no you din't

(Quick hand slap fighting ensues . .. .)

Voters

Jesus, I am blocked up today (mentally, that is). A couple of reasons why:

1) I didn't watch TV last night, so I have no idea what's going on in terms of fashion, entertainment, or MTV.

2) Foosball kicks off tonight, and my focus is completely on that. As the "Heckler" said to me: "Wawa, don't join too many fantasy football leagues. You'll end up rooting for the entire NFL" I promptly joined 3 leagues, and yes, I am rooting for the entire NFL. Example:

Announcer: "Randy Moss scores a Touchdown!"

Wawa Response: "Dammit. My opponent this week has him. BUT I SCORED IN MY OTHER LEAGUE!"

What does this all mean? Absolutely nothing.

3) I'm about to finish "A Widow For One Year" by John Irving. Not bad. Irving is slowly becoming my favorite writer. I've read 2 of his books this month, and both have been Really, Really good. I'm getting soft in my old age. Or is that my belly?

So, since I'm blocked up, I will let the reader vote for what kind of story or article they want:

1) Dad Invades The Golden Girls
2) Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Advice column
3) Madonna, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears Backstage at VMA's

If I see a Zero Comment in my comments section, I will be really, really hurt. No one likes a hurt Wawa, do they?

Fan Mail-Bennifer

BTW > Why haven't you posted anything about Bennifer lately? Afflack and J-LOW have announced their wedding date, I figured you'd be all over that (since you do run a Hard Copy, E.T. like blog here)!?!?!?

Posted by Don at September 3, 2003 02:37 PM

Don, thanks for your kind words. I'm flattered by the comparison to Mary Hart and Bob Goen over there at Entertainment Tonight. They do a fine job and have perfect hair.

In regards to the Bennifer date of marriage, I was a little peeved that I didn't get an invite, so I decided to give them a call. Here is what I got on the answering machine:

Ben: This is Ben

Jen: This is Jen

Ben and Jen Together: AND WE'RE IN LOVE!

Ben: You may have found us dissapointing in "Gigli" .. .

Jen: . . . But we're going to try and not bomb with "Jersey Girl"

Ben: So if you love us . . .

Jen: . . . and lord knows we love you . . .

Ben and Jen Together: YOU'LL LEAVE US A MESSAGE!

I will not give you the contents of the message I left them, but needless to say, it was all hugs and kisses after that peppy message. Love ya, Bennifer

Not Moving To Brooklyn

After spending a weekend with my two closest hipster friends from Brooklyn, it has come to my attention that Wawa will never be cool enough to move to this hallowed borough. I'm just too crotchety (and uncool) to actually fit into this odd little world. In defense of my hipster friends who have taken me in like Angelina Jolie has taken in little asian baby Maddox, I laud them for trying to transform me into "indie" Wawa or "hipster" Wawa. Bravo, kids, but It's an impossible task. We just don't see eye to eye on certain issues. Here is a list of what I perceive Hipsters to see as cool and uncool:

Vintage Clothes: Cool
Old Navy and the Gap: Uncool

Wawa Comments: I'm lost on the vintage clothing movement, especially the Vintage Concert T-shirt. Why would you want to wear a concert t-shirt from the 80's that was probably worn by some sweaty 300 lb. metalhead??? It escapes me. I'm sorry, I'm siding with Old Navy and Gap. At least I know the last person to touch my clothes was some 10 year old in Thailand making a buck-o-five an hour.

Souped Up Dodge Dart: Cool
2002 Sensible Family Honda Accord: Uncool

Wawa Comments: I'm sure the hipster community would find my old beat-up '83 Honda cooler than what I drive now (2002 Accord), but Jesus, who wants "cool" when it breaks down when you hit 40? Brooklyn Hipster Cool won't fix your Dodge Dart when it constantly blows a gasket. Give me the 4 door family sedan that's reliable and has an airbag (don't remind me that I don't have Power Locks, ok?). Wawa's Dream Car: Toyota Camry. NOW THAT'S COOL!

Bands that sell 20,000 copies or less: Cool
Pearl Jam: Uncool

Wawa Comments: The most glaring reason why I could never move to Brooklyn. I would be laughed out of the borough because of my musical taste. So let me get this straight: You're cooler if you like a band that no one has ever heard of (or Wawa has never heard of)? I've tried going the indie route. Hell, I'm still trying (The Shins and My Morning Jacket are still on my concert itinerary). But for me, the most important thing is being able to sit by the fire, listen to my '94 grunge rock that went Multi-Platinum, and talking with my jamily about the next PJ tour. I just can't turn my back on my major-label roots. I'm sure I would be laughed back into Queens.

Emaciated, Tall, Kate Moss on a male body look: Cool
Buffet eating monster body look: Uncool

Wawa Comment: I couldn't pull the thin rock star look off. This would mean strenuous dieting and well, let's be honest, better genes. Actually, I could go Carnie Wilson style and have my stomach stapled for an internet watching community. I do have one thing down, though: My T-shirts are already tight on me.

Wawa's World Invades The Pacific Northwest

I'm really tired today, due to the red eye that I took into NY today, so I don't have a post of too much interest. A couple of interesting tidbits from my trip this weekend:

1) I shook hands with Ed O'Brien (guitarist) from Radiohead before the R.E.M. show. I asked if I could take a photo with him, but he said no. Limey bastard.

2) I rode a bike. Yes, I know how to ride a bike, but believe you me, it was tiring. Lance Armstrong and I are now of one mind. Or is that Stretch Armstrong?

3) Canada TV shows Pornography late at night: A highlight, I must say. Cam, why didn't you tell me about this? Richy the Quebe: Is it this way in Montreal? The porn was of the soft core variety, but still a treat when you just stumble upon it. Sort of like finding a $20 bill that you forgot you had. Christ, isn't Wawa's world becoming more and more like an online version of the "Man-Show"?

4) Jessica Simpson article: I read a review of her new show on MTV with her husband Nick Lachey. She said something about not knowing if Tuna is tuna. More on this later. I'm pretty confident that Simpson will go the way of Tiffany and be posing nude in Playboy in a couple of years.

5) R.E.M. rocks: Radiohead was great in sort of that intellectual rock way, but R.E.M. is in the midst of a Greatest Hits tour. How could anyone argue with hearing "Fall on Me", "Nightswimming" and "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?" Certainly not Wawa.

It's the end of this blog as we know it, and Wawa feeeeels fiiiiiiine . . . .

Behold

behold, the dawning of a new era: The wawa blog. the adventures of a boy in the city and casinos, and at buffets, and on tour with 19 bands, and well, you'll see.

My First Blog

First off I would like to thank Jefke for giving me my own little space to muse about such topics as the following:

1) How weird is a mixed Thai/Filipino family?
2) Genesis: Greatest Rock band EVER?
3) Is being an "exotic dancer" really the entertainment industry as we like to commonly think?

All of these questions and more will be answered!