wawasworld

A Little To the Left, A Little To The Right . . .

. . . and Lindsay Lohan could have been a porn star.  So far, Wawasworld has profiled Cameron Diaz and Hugh Grant, and sadly, while being the youngest in the series,  the third participant  is probably the closest to actually being a porn star.  You don't believe me?  Well then, take a look:

Lindsay 1996: Gets her start on Another World

Porn Lindsay 1996: Runs away from  home in Long Island because her dad is a drunk

Lindsay 1998: Gets her big break in the remake of "The Parent Trap" originally starring Hayley Mills

Porn Lindsay 1998: Gets her big break in the remake of "The Snatch Trap" originally starring Hayley Hills

Lindsay 2000: Stars in TV Movie "Life Size"

Porn Lindsay 2000: Stars in Spice TV Movie "Man Size"

Lindsay 2002: Busts out even further with another remake, "Freaky Friday"

Porn Lindsay 2002: Just busts out further

Lindsay 2004:  Decides to record her first pop album.  While promoting the album on Good Morning America, it's reported that she was caught lip-synching .  The titian-tressed temptress disappointed her young fans. "It was embarrassing," one formerly devoted follower told us. "It hurt my heart."  Lindsay is overheard claiming acid reflux made her lip synch.

Porn Lindsay 2004: Decides to record the first porn-pop crossover album.  While promoting the album on the Playboy channel, it's later reported that her breasts are not real.  The titian-tressed temptress dissapointed her young fans.  "It's embarrassing," one formerly devoted follower told us.  "It hurt my heart."  Lindsay is overheard claiming it was  silicone reflux that made her get her chest.

I've Lived this Life Before

What does Wawasworld do on a Saturday night when he has nothing to do?  That's easy: He watches MTV's marathon of the show Life As We Know It, starring Kelly Osbourne and a bunch of no names (Sorry, D.B. Sweeney, but the Cutting Edge should be on the Cutting Floor).  This show is actually on ABC, but for some odd reason, MTV doled out some cash to show re-runs on their own channel.  Funny how MTV would buy the rights to this show, even though the ratings are lower then public access . . . it couldn't be that it's a favor to a former MTV cash cow (and I do mean cow) with Kelly Osbourne?  Nah.  You're probably asking yourself:  "But Wawa, don't you have all the  important channels, like skinemax on demand and showtime on demand?"  Sorry kids, but man alone cannot sustain on just soft core porn and showings of the Matrix series about 8,000 times.  So I got out my Heath bar crunch BJ (and that's Ben and Jerry's, sickos!) and sat down for 6 episodes of this teenage schlock.

Oh . . . and here's the premise of the show: 3 teenage boys living in Seattle Washington, dealing with the typical high school hijinks of dances, girls and parental units gone awry.  Seems pretty basic, but sadly, that's what the problem was.  It was TOO basic.  It felt too familiar, and made me long for the old classics of  teenage mellodrama and comedy.  Sorry, kids of Life as We Know It, but I've seen your Life once too often.  I'll give you 3 prime examples:

1) The Classic Teacher/Student Affair:  One of the boys is having an affair with his teacher!  Oh the scandal . . .  if this were 1998.  I could have sworn Pacey hooked up with his teacher in Dawson's Creek.   Why yes, Pacey Witter DID hook up with his teacher in Season one.  Yawn.  Been there, done that, Seattle kids.  On to the next plotline.   I will  say this: At least the Teacher in this show was TV Hot.  The one in Dawson's was merely TV mediocre.  Please see 3 posts below if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

2) The 3 boys stop and talk into the camera:    Oh dude, you guys are killing me now.  Hmmmm . . .  I don't know if you kids have ever seen a little show called, I don't know, SAVED BY THE BELL?  Zach Morris was talking into the camera while you were still sucking on your mama's teet,  Ms. Osbourne!!!!  Just an egregious rip off move if I've ever seen one.  But that's not the worst one . .  . oh no . . .

3) They ripoff the classic condom buying scene at the Pharmacy/Grocery:  This is the scene where One of the boys and Kelly Osbourne's character need a "Price check" at the front counter of a pharmacy when they go to buy condoms.   Pick any show.  It's not even a classic teen drama move.  EVERY SHOW USES THIS MOVE!  Need I point to the Golden Girls episode where the three are going on a cruise together and decide to buy condoms and also need a price check?  Of course I don't need to remind you.  If you're like me, that particular episode has probably scarred you .  . . but I digress. 

I could go on and on with this.  Considering how much teen television I watch, it drives me nuts when derivative happens.  Give me a Smallville or a One Tree Hill any day of the week.  At least those have superheroes and former hot MTV VJ's on it (Please see Hilarie Burton from One Tree Hill . .  . Yowzers!). 

fade to black

cue Paula Cole's: I don't want to wait . . .

(I stole this from Jefke's last post . . . .not sure how to end this piece of crap post)

In Flight Nirvana

For charity, Krist Novoselic, former bassist with seminal (God, do you have any idea how long I've wanted to use that word in a blog???) grunge band Nirvana, is auctioning off his services as a pilot for a one day excusion on a cesna.  Hmmmm . . . aging rock star flying me in a tin can that could go down at any moment?  Sounds like fun!  Wawasworld jumped into his what if machine to see what it would be like if I won that auction:

(Climbing on the cesna with Krist Novoselic greeting me)

Wawasworld: Oh my God, Oh my God . . .  It's Krist Novoselic!  You were in . . . can't breathe . . . Nirvana.

Krist Novoselic: That's right .  . . and I'll be your pilot today

Wawasworld: Wow!  This is so great .  .  . you're like my 3rd favorite member of Nirvana!!!!!

Krist Novoselic: Um .  . . there were only 3 of us

Wawasworld: Not true!  Pat Smear was also a member

Krist Novoselic: Well, not officially .  . . 

Wawasworld: Well, Courtney Love said the same thing about you . .  . (awkward laugh, followed by awkward silence) So . . . uh . . . you remember that time at the MTV music awards?

Krist Novoselic: Which time?

Wawasworld: When you threw the bass up in the air and it hit you in the head?

Krist Novoselic: Um .  . . yeah?

Wawasworld: That was GREAT!  Can we reenact that scene today when we land?  Huh, Huh, Can we?????

Krist Novoselic: I'm only here to to share the wonders of aviation and remind you to be careful during the most dangerous phase of flight – the drive to and from the airport

Wawasworld: Um . . . I'd rather do the guitar thing

Krist Novoselic: No

Wawasworld: What the hell happened to you?  You used to be so cool!  And look at you now . . . hocking flights on a tin can that David Bowie floated around in the video for "Space Oddity"

Krist Novoselic: Do you still want to fly?

Wawasworld: Nah . . . But could you autograph my New Nirvana boxset??????

TV Hot and Beverly Hills 90210

Wawasworld's clear overexposure to television has clearly fogged his vision of regular women in the world.   This is the reason I watch so much television: There are truly no ugly people on television.  Even the TV ugly ones (and I'll go into this in a second) still have decent bodies.  Sure, the faces may be kinda haggard, and some of the TV ugly women may look a little beat up (please see Nicolette Sheridan in Desperate Housewives), but really, they are still a step up from what you see regularly on the street, no regular guy is gonna kick them out of there bed.  Duh!  They are on television!!!!  As one of my favorite sayings go when I'm watching some shit reality show (Please see Wifeswap): "Ugh . . . I don't watch TV for ugly people.  I can leave my apartment in Queens for that"

So in response, I've decided to write out a trusty scale to measure regular women against what they would be on Television.  No show embodied my scale as well as Beverly Hills 90210.  I mean you ran the complete gamut from TV Ugly to TV Beautiful.  So here is the scale:

TV Sideshow: Pretty much a poor package all around.  I usually cringe when I see this on TV.  Either you're way too plain to jam my airwaves or you're way too hideous to walk regular streets. 

90210 example: Gabrielle Carteris

Regular World Equivalent Ranking: Plain or Plain Ugly

TV Ugly: Pretty basic.  You have a great body but an ugly haggard face, but as long as your daddy runs the show, well, hey, you'll always have the job. 

Best Example: Tori Spelling

Regular World Equivalent Ranking: Plain to Regular Mediocre (See?  Sort of like how hot you want your chicken wings!)

TV Mediocre: This one is a tougher one.  Can also be construed as TV Average, if you so choose. Kinda cute, but doesn't measure up against the real TV heavyweights.  Maybe small boobs, weird nose, odd eyes .  . . just something isn't right.  In the real world, you'd overlook all of these faults, and say to yourself: "Still better then 80% of what I usually see."

90210 Equivalent: Jennie Garth (I never saw it . . . the button nose . . . the pale skin . . . but still cute on the streets)

Regular World Equivalent Ranking: Regular Cute

TV Hot: In the regular world, this is the girl who would have all eyes on her at the bar, cause she's way too smoking for her own good.  She's been a baaaaaad girl . .  . you just want to span .  . . whoops.  I got visions of . . .

90210 Equivalent: . . . Shanen Doherty, who morphed into Tiffani Amber Thiessen

Regular World Equivalent: Smoking. 

TV Beautiful: Ah yes, the "It" girl.  Sure, she may not have the biggest chest or the finest ass, but she sure is purdier then everyone else.   To stray from the 90210 theme of the whole blog, but a perfect example is Mischa Barton from the OC.   She's not quite as hot as Rachel Bilson, but you'd be all for presenting her to your folks.  Rachel Bilson is a perfect example of the hot stripper girl your seeing for a good time and would show to your friends, while Mischa is someone you'd want to marry.  Dawwww . . . wawasworld can be sensitive too!

90210 Equivalent: Vanessa Marcil (Rule of Thumb: If you get a soap facial commercial, you're TV Beautiful . . .also note, Shannen Doherty never got one of those)

Real World Equivalent: They don't exist in this world

And to all my chick friends who are reading this, well, baby, you are all TV beautiful to me .  .  . (pfffffft . . . )

BTW-Why didn't I use my beloved IMDB links in this post?  Eh .   . .too much work, I guess

Spin The Silver Circle

Wawasworld loves his CD's.  I can't get enough of them.  Nothing pleases me more then going into one of those cold multimedia centers such as Best Buy, planning to buy only the latest arena rock cd, and coming out with about 100 CD's of bands I heard on the OC (Music on tonights episode included: Elefant, The Donnas and Gomez).  Sure, it's a habit that rivals only a strong heroin addiction in terms of cost, but hey, I'm a middle marketing manager.  My budget can handle it.

But with technology, it pains me to see the CD's time may be going.  The more I ride the subway or walk the streets of Manhattan, it's Ipods and other weird foreign devices presenting themselves as the future of music.  They all look like phasers from Star Trek, but hey, that's progress, I guess.  So as Wawasworld was jamming to the latest U2 CD, I ran into a co-worker who said the following to me:

Random Co-Worker: Wow .   . . is that a CD player???

Wawasworld: Why yes it is

Random Co-Worker: I haven't seen one of those in a long time.  You should get an ipod . . ..

Ugh. .  . I felt like I was back in 3rd grade, still wearing Jams shorts, while all the other kids were wearing pants.  A very, very dark moment in Wawasworld.  And . . . btw . . . when the fuck did CD's become so passe??? Is this how record owners felt when they were passed over for the 8-track?  Or when tape collectors were passed over for CD's?  And has this blog turned into a Carrie Bradshaw musing from "Sex in the City"?  And I'm guessing the answer is yes on all accounts.   Sigh .  . . Maybe this Christmas, I may just give into the Itunes universe for only 99 cents a song.  I'll be unique .  . . just like everyone else. 

Bad Nightmares

Alright, it's been about a month.  Well, Wawasworld has been having his annual writers block convention in his head, where nothing appears to fascinate me.  However, this year . ..  .it's been different.  This past month, I've been scarred by really bad images and nightmares.  Is it the fact that Bush won?  Is it that Pepsi has released a "Holiday Spice" flavored soda (and when you buy a soda in the market, make sure to look at the labels.  That's how I tasted this pimple to the face of soda history!)?  I don't think it's any of those things, actually.  It's more of these things that have bothered me in the past month:

1) Looking back, isn't The Golden Girls really disturbing?: One night, I get home from a show, and so I decide to unwind with a little television, and hey, look at that, it's the Golden Girls!  When I was younger, this show was actually kind of amusing.  Yep.  I said it.  I liked it, ok???  I've seen every episode .  .  . that's what happens when you have no life, but I digress.  I hadn't seen it in years, so why not?  And then this exchange happened between Rose and a Gentleman caller in a restaurant:

Rose: Who needs sex anyways?

Gentleman Caller: Right?

Rose: It's just two hot, sweaty bodies

Gentleman Caller: Writhing against each other

Rose: All Musty . .  .

Gentleman Caller: It's time Rose!

Rose: CHECK!

When you're 9 or 10, and you have no idea what's going on, sure, that's kind of charming .  .  . um . . . . ok, maybe not.  But when you're my age doesn't the thought of Betty White rubbing up against anyone kind of make you want to hurl?  And they say the Reagan was a kinder gentler time (cringe).  That's one thing that's bothering wawasworld.  . . here's the other

2) Tara Reid's Boob: I always kind of ignored her as a no-talent hack, who decided to get a boob job.  Hey, all the soon to be soft core porn stars are doing it!  But then, I saw the picture of her newly "enhanced" boob at some awards show.  You know the incident.  I don't need to rehash it here.  And now?  I can never look at her again in the same semi-fantasy way that I used to.  Dude, there is a big scar on her boob!  WTF?!?!?!  I saw the picture, and it her boob was hideous.  I decided to try a little experiment: I left my computer screen on, as I moved around the room . .  . and it worked!  THE SCAR FOLLOWS YOU AROUND THE ROOM LIKE THE EYES FROM A PAINTING ON A WALL!  Creepy . . . It felt like a Scooby Doo episode where you see the eyes peering out . . . (cringe)

And yes, these 2 things have taken up the last month of my life .  .  . ugh . . . it's my own prison. 

Riot Act

Congratulations, Boston Red Sox for a job well done this month. Of course, not only did you open up the pandora's box of rioting when you beat the Yankees, but hey, let's see if we can riot one more time when we win the actual World Series! Surprisingly, the people of Boston were relatively calm about the whole thing. Which is what they were suppossed to be! Like Fight Club (First rule of Fight Club, NEVER TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!) their are rules to rioting. And Wawasworld is here to present some guidelines for the Riot Act:

1) You can't riot twice in one postseason/championship year: Sorry, Boston, no flipping over cars and setting property on fire the second time. Rioting once in a postseason is entertainment . . . rioting twice is just plain uncivilized.

2) Once a person dies, you lose your rioting rights for at least 10 years: After what happened to that poor girl who got hit with a beanie bag, you really don't have the right to party too hard.

3) Don't burn cars worth more then 10k during a sporting riot: It's probably waiting to be put out of it's misery anyways. Go ahead. Burn the mother . . . DOWWWWWWWWWN!

4) Only 2 people to a lamppost, please: We all know those things were only meant to hold 2 people . . . duh! Anymore would just be dangerous.

5) For the cops, Tear Gas ONLY: These aren't terrorists. Probably some punk kids who don't know how to act. If you fire the good old fashioned tear gas, no one gets hurt, and the crowd gets dispersed. Sounds like a good time to me!!!

Bonus Rules: Some of you read this and are probably thinking about civil unrest riots (like Rodney King). Those are the most fun! That's when you can loot. What's says more then "F you for taking away my civil rights" then "Shit, I'm going to break this window at Best Buy and steal me a TV!" Um . . . TRY NOTHING! I've got some rules for those as well:

a) Burn cars over 10k: You're just sticking it to the MAN then. Lexus, Hummers, Mercedes . . . all fair game. SEND A MESSAGE TO THE POLITICIANS!

b) Don't use your fists to break glass: Um . . . OW! I'm sure you can find bricks or rocks laying around. Those work best.

c) When stealing that Television or electronics good, don't be afraid to ask for help: Those things are heavy! Never be afraid to ask your fellow rioter/looter for a hand carrying that brand new Sony.

And those are my rules of rioting . . . use them wisely.

You're my friend, Mr. Buffet

In Wawasworld today, some of my co-workers and I went to a local Japanese sushi buffet. I'm kinda feeling it right now, but hey, that's the price you pay for all you can eat goodness. As a result of my trip through the land of gluttony, I decided to collect some of the key details of the buffet experience and pass it on to my readers:

1. What does the word Buffet really mean?: I have no idea, but my friend Stacey came up with this acronym:

wawa: What does Buffet stand for?
Stacey: BIG UGLY FAT FUCKERS EAT TWICE
wawa: Oh
wawa: My
wawa: GOD
Stacey: haahhahahaah, that's WHAT THEY SAY!

No words have ever been so true . . . which brings me to my next point . . .

2. Hot chicks don't go to buffets, and if you do see one, savor the moment: This just makes sense. If you're watching your weight or you really care about your body, why the hell would you go to a place that has fried shrimp that works out to be about 8 cents a pound??? You wouldn't. Cause it's bad!!! I did see one hot chick today, and I had this pleasant exchange with my co-workers:

Wawa: Wow . . .you see her? No fat on her . . . what's she doing here?
Co-worker: Wawa, I think she heard you

See? Savor the moment.

3. You better have more then one plate . . .. and make sure you get the dessert!!!!: What's the point of going to a buffet if you're going to just have one plate? Christ, for less then $13.95, you can go to a deli and get "just" a hoagie. Embrace the buffet. Be the buffet. The buffet is like being a citizen of the USA: Love it . . . or leave it!!!! (I'm not sure how that fits, but it just does).

4. Don't taste the food while in line: hehehehee . . . I break this rule all the time. My brother at a Vegas buffet one time said to me: "Jesus . . . can you wait to get back to the table??? I've seen how you eat chicken wings. . . .that shit goes splattering everywhere!!!" And he's right. I realize buffets have those little plastic guards to protect such things from happening, but what if you're a short person? That plastic guard is going to protect nothing! Your head is right at the buffet, so once you take that bite of that Jalapeno popper . . . .BAM! Jalapeno right back from where it came from. Just something to think about. (yes, I really think about these things)

5. If it looks scary, it probably is scary: Some of the food has been sitting out for awhile, and well, isn't so fresh anymore. You take your chances at a buffet at a buffet, of course, but sometimes you just don't have to be so risque'. If the Fettucinni Alfredo doesn't look so good, well it probably isn't (and I don't want to go into detail .. . but I know!!!!)

So hopefully, those 5 points about buffets help you out for the next time you decide to enter the land of gluttony. As a first time buffeter, you should start small at like a Sizzler and slowly work your way up to something like the Rio Buffet (THE GREATEST BUFFET EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE!). Hope these tips help.

The 1st Debate

Wawasworld usually stays away from politics, but sometimes, when you get footage as good as this, you really can't sit idly by on the sidelines. As you all know, Bush and Kerry are scheduled for there 2nd debate tommorrow night. However, what you don't know is that it is actually the THIRD debate that Kerry and Bush have had. Wawasworld has gained access to the first debate, moderated by WWE owner Vince McMahon! Take a look:

Vince McMahon: Welcome to the 1st WWE Presedential Debate LIVE from the Asheville coliseum here in North Carolina!!!!! So without further adieu, let's welcome our candidates. First, weighing in at 220 lbs. from an "undisclosed location" please welcome your 43rd president GEORGE THE ANIMAL BUUUUUUUUSH

(Loud booing from Audience)

and last but not least, in the blue corner, weighing in at 215 lbs from New England, please welcome John "Bad ass" Kerry!!!!

(Loud Cheers from the Audience)

To help me moderate this event, please welcome my sidekick, Jim "Country Boy" Ross. Now onto the questions. First, for you George, What would happen if you found Bin Laden?

George: Vince, listen closely, I'd turn him upside down, then turn him sideways, bend him over and THEN KICK HIM STRAIGHT BACK TO THE SAND HE CAME FROM!!! (Booooooooo . . . ) Yeah, yeah . . . (George gives the audience the finger)

Jim Ross: My God, George the Animal lands the first blow of the debate . . . how can Kerry ever recover???

Vince: Same question for you, John

John: Well, these are complicated times, and we need a man with complicated solutions. First, I'd negotiate with Bin Laden, and then I would kick his ass, and then negotiate some more. In a peaceful, war mongering way, of course.

(Jim and Vince look at each other befuddled)

(Howard Dean appears from the back with a steel chair)

Jim: MY GOD! IT'S HOWARD DEAN HERE TO HELP JOHN KERRY OUT WITH THE STEEL CHAIR! THE FANS ARE GOING NUTS! IT'S THE CAVALRY TO THE RESCUE!!

(Howard looks at John Kerry and then at George Bush . . . .AND HANDS THE CHAIR OVER TO GEORGE)

(George Slams Kerry over the head with the chair)

Jim: MY GOD! HE'S TURNED AGAINST KERRY! GODDAMN YOU, DEAN! WHAT ABOUT THE FANS?!?!?!

Howard: The better question: HOW COULD THE FANS TURN THERE BACK ON ME AND VOTE FOR THE CANDY ASS! (Dean spits on Kerry's lifeless body . . .. George raises the hand of Dean)

George: (Pointing at Dean while raising his Dean's hand) Here's the real winner. . . .

Jim: MY GOD! IT'S CHAOS HERE IN ASHEVILLE! WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK . .. . .

Rules of the Road

On Tuesday, Wawasworld will be taking his show on the road to see his beloved Pearl Jam. First to Boston, then to Reading PA. and finally Toledo Ohio. I'll be driving from Boston with one other person and then a couple of people to Reading. Considering that I will be driving on both of these trips, I've decided to lay down some ground rules for the average 4 hr. Wawasworld road trip:

1) Silence is required for half the trip. Feel free to take naps: I believe no one can fill up an entire 4 hr. trip with meaningful conversation. What does meaningful mean? Sports, Relationships (and this is a gray area if you ask me in terms of meaningful), Politics, and Music. That can only possibly fill 2 hours. at about 2 hrs., you're just talking to hear yourself speak (actually, I do have a silky smooth barry white voice). If you're travelling with 3 or more, ok, you can maybe fill a trip of 4 hrs. Just 2 people? Forget it.

2) Feel free to bring music. Doesn't mean we're going to listen to it.: So let me get this straight: I do all the driving, yet the person in the passenger seat gets to control the radio? Huh? Does that make any sense? A car trip is not a democracy. It's a dictatorship. If I'm doing the heavy lifting, you should be able to listen to whatever crap I want to listen to. When exactly did the tide turn to the power of the passenger? How about this: You give me $50 for lugging around you and your shit, and then you can have a choice in the music.

3) A maximum of Two bathroom breaks/food breaks: You're an adult. 4 hrs. You can do it. Just don't eat dairy beforehand, and we should be all set. Suck it up, champ.

4) You can smoke in the car. But let's try and not smoke at the same time: Pretty basic. I just don't want my car to become a smoky casino like atmosphere. Wait .. . did you bring cards?. . . which brings me to . . .

5) No Games: Silence. Gotta concentrate. You can play games when you get out of the car.

Those seem pretty simple, right? I'll give you the example of the best road trip I ever took with another person: I was driving to Canada to see Pearl Jam. My friend came along. She slept about 8 hours of the trip, filling the first 3 hours with banter about whatever. Perfect. While she slept, I got the control of the radio, and didn't have to think if she could take it or not. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was a little bitter that I had to drive 13 STRAIGHT HOURS WITHOUT HER DRIVING AT ALL, but life is all about give and take. She got her nap, I got my radio and most importantly, I didn't have to stop that often. It looks like we have a winner . . . hopefully these couple of trips go as well as that one did.