wawasworld

Pat O'Brien Returns

Pat O'Brien, former host of "Access Hollywood" and the "NBA on CBS", returns to his current show "The Insider" tonight.  As you know, Pat's had some alcohol issues and some embarrasing moments with message machines.  So as a follow up to last night's special Dr. Phil with Pat, Wawasworld got an exclusive first look at tonight's Insider episode with Pat and his cohost, Lara Spencer:

Pat O'Brien: Welcome to The Insider.  I'm your host Pat O'Brien.  Before we start, I'd just like to address my many fans.  It's been a very trying few months, and I'd just like to thank you for your support during my stay in rehab.  Without you, I don't think I would have overcome my serious addiction to alcohol and leaving messages begging for 3 ways.  So onto our show.  Please welcome Lara Spencer, my co-host . . . .

Lara Spencer: Great to have you back, Pat.  Why don't we kick this installment with the Celebrity news of the day. 

Pat: Let's Go!  Katie and Tom: Publicity Stunt or True Love?

Lara: Angelina and Brad on the beaches of France: Are they really more then friends?

Pat: I wonder if Brad tried to get the 3-way thing going before with Angelina before he kicked Jennifer to the curb?

Lara: Uh . . . excuse me?

Pat: I didn't say anything.  Ashton and Demi: Married?  Wow .  ..  .she has perfect pear shaped breasts.

Lara: What was that?

Pat: What was what?

Lara: You just said Demi had beautiful pear shaped breasts

Pat: Why, yes, yes you do, Lara.  Britney and Kevin: Will there reality show be a success?

Lara: Pat are you drunk?  You just said I had nice breasts

Pat: Well, haven't you noticed I'm kind of tilted to the right.  You think I'd be able to stand up straight if I weren't drunk?  Lara Spencer: Will she have a 3-way with Pat O'brien tonight?  All this and more on tonight's INSIDER!

Advertising Magic

dvYes, it's 5:26 Sunday morning.  I still haven't gone to bed yet.  Well, anyways, Wawasworld has been enjoying the NBA playoffs, which means the top notch coverage of Kenny Smith, Charles Barkley and Ernie Johnson on TNT.  However, it also means wacky TNT commercials!  Wha, huh?  Wacky TNT commercials?  Indeed.  As Adam Sandler once said on Saturday Night Live: "Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one???"  Well, anyways, one of these wacky commercials was Magic Johnson pushing Law and Order (Hmmmm . . . as if we couldn't figure that L&O was on TNT, considering it's the only thing they show other then NBA basketball . . . and the Shawshank Redemption).

So here's how the commerical goes:

• "You know, I love the NBA Playoffs.  But you know what I love just as much . . . Dead people! Watch Law and Order on TNT!"

You're kidding me, right?  That's what they came up with?  That's goddamn brilliant!

Well, Wawasworld has some ideas for some other shows on TV:

• Zach Braff, star of NBC's "Scrubs":
• "You know, I love medical sitcoms, but you know what I love just as much?  Fat chicks!  Watch Facts of Life on Nick at Nite!"

• Pete Rose, former baseball superstar:
• "While you know I don't "gamble" anymore, no one says I still can't watch it!  Watch Celebrity Poker on Bravo.  I got my money on Mimi Rogers."

• Matthew Perry of "Friends" fame:
• "While you know I love the ensemble sitcom more then anything, I still have to make time once a week for my other great love: Really bad acting!  Watch "Joey" only on NBC"

• Carson Kressley of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy":
• "You may know me from my love of Makeovers, but I'm not sure if you my second great love: Large Mens Asses.  Watch Dennis Franz on NYPD Blue . . . only on TNT!"

Amazing how I haven't gotten a job in the advertising business, isn't it?  Clearly, no one has a sense of pushing crap on the public like Wawasworld.

An Open Letter To Katie Holmes

Dear Katie,

So how are you???  Long time, never speak!  How am I?  I'm good.  Playing some poker, going to some shows, loving the ladies etc.  You know the drill.  Anyways, I just got some weird news that you've been dating Tom Cruise for the last couple of weeks.  Wha?  Huh?  I'm confused.  I thought you and me had something going on while you were on Dawson's Creek.  Sure, our love was through an electronic box that emanates bright and beautiful colors, but hey, believe you me, I felt the love.

Anyways, I think you dating Tom is a REALLY bad idea.  Ok, yeah, I get the big "movie star" thing and, yeah, well, he's Tom Cruise.  Also, I realize he's a step up from Chris Klein (but at this point, who isn't???).  I got it, I got it.  But let me just explain a couple of things about Mr. Cruise.  That guys star is going down faster then a groupie at a GNR show.  Why you ask?  Well, first off, his next movie, "War of the Worlds", is starring Dakota Fanning, the preeminent child actor of our generation now that Haley Joel Osment is going through puberty ("I see a dead career").  Think of it this way: Her last big movie was with Robert Deniro a couple of months ago.  Some scary crap that escapes my memory.  Anyways, have we heard from him since???  No.  Why???  Because Dakota outshined him so bad!  Guess who's next on the "Dakota: Career Killer" list?  That's right . ... you're new Pretty boy Floyd.  So while you think you're stepping up with a "star", baby, you're riding the curve just a little too late.

And let's just address the age issue.  HE'S 42!!!  He was making "All The Right Moves" figuratively and literally when you still thought boys were icky!  And not a word about the whole "Demi-Ashton" thing.  Spare me, Sweetie.  That little romance has turned the tables on the double standard of old dudes dating young chickadees like yourself.  Since hot old chicks dating young hot dudes is "in", well, it just makes your current behavior so . . . so . .  . 2000.  Ugh.  You're killing me.

So, Katie dear, in conclusion, I just think this whole Cruise thing is a bad idea.  Yeah, maybe I'm a little bitter that I didn't get my chance with you.  And sure, I hate him for being a billionairre and stealing all the young Hollywood neophytes (paging Penelope!).  But hey, it's never too late to give me a ring so we can work this out.  I'm sure I can clear some of the CD's and laundry in my room for one former Joey Potter (and what's up with the half naked head shot in the promo poster on that page.  You didn't once come even close to being that remotely naked on that show!).

Sincerely,

Wawasworld

Wawasworld: By The Numbers

2 months and no posts.  Writers block?  Nah.  Wawasworld is above making excuses for his laziness.  So as a welcome back column, I've decided to shake (or in my case, jiggle) things up a bit.  So here is what I've been up to the last 2 months by the numbers:

Number of times I saw The Black Crowes: 4

Number of times I had to defend that decision to myself and others: 4,000

Number of times I heard Girl from a Pawnshop (My favorite song): Just once

Number of times people looked at me crazy when I screamed "Whoo hooo . . . I love this song!" like a little school girl: 2,300 (Hammerstein capacity: 2,300)

Number of times I saw Kate Hudson: 4 times

Number of times I thought she needed a boob job: 4 times

Number of times I thought "Remember when Christina Aguilera was the trashy one???": Twice.  Once in my head, once in conversation on how Britney got knocked up by her white trash husband . . ..speaking of which . . .

Number of times I wondered "WTF Does Federline have that I don't????": About 100

Number of times I answered that question with "Pretty Fly moves, Wawa, Pretty fly moves . . .": About 100

Number of times people asked me "When are you going to post again?": About 5 times . . .. which is pretty sad over a 2 month period!  Where's the demand, people?!?!?!

Number of times people have commented on that stupid Avril Lavigne post I wrote about 3 months ago: 46!  Is Avril really on tour???  Awesome!

Number of episodes of Power Girls I watched on MTV: 4

Number of times I wanted to punch Lizzie Grubman in the face: 4 (God, I hate PR people . . . oh wait . . . I'm kind of in PR. . . nevermind)

And basically, that's all I've done over the last 2 months.  I'll probably have something up in regards to my trip to Seattle and Portland shortly.

A Wawasworld Valentines Day

You've probably wondered what Wawasworld has been up to the past month, so I'll run through it quickly before we get onto my very special Valentine's post (Love is in the air, isn't it?):  Superbowl party, Poker night (10 people in my room!  Even 2 chicks were in here . .  . of course, not with me, but hey, you take what you can get!), The Arcade Fire concert, and some other show I can't remember.  That basically sums up the last month.  Sure, I'm probably missing a few details, but hey, I'm not here for details.  I'm here to entertain. 

So here is a quick rundown of what Wawasworld did on his Valentine's Day, and I'll cover this from when I got home to the end of my favorite show, 24 (dare some people to say Wawasworld's favorite show is the OC, but I claim that I watch that just for the chicks).

6:55: Walk through the door, need to whiz really badly, run to the bathroom.  Wonder if this is how a romantic valentines day night starts for most couples?

7:00: Phew .  . . that was a loooooong whiz . . . and speaking of whizzes, here is my favorite headline from last week: Tom Sizemore fails a drug test by using a fake penis.  I am able to catch the beggining of 13 going on 30, starring Jennifer Garner.  It dawns on me that my date for tonight is actually hotter then 85% of America's men.  Let's ignore the fact that she's on TV, not actually going out to dinner with me, and probably wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot stick.  If I just keep telling myself "she wants me, she wants me, she wants me . . . " maybe it'll come true.

7:10: I'm hungry.  I go for the chunky monkey in my fridge just as Jennifer Garner's character treats her future love like shit.  Hmmm . . . Watching a stupid love story while eating Ben and Jerry's?  Nah . . . . that can't be cliche or slightly gay. 

7:25: Jennifer Garner's character suddenly finds herself 17 years later as a 30 year old grown up.  Strange. . . I too find something grown up when I see her in her lingerie.

7:55: Mark Ruffalo makes his first appearance in the film.  He wonders what the grown up Jen Garner is doing on his front step after not seeing her for 17 years.  I wonder where my masculinity has gone in the last 17 minutes. 

8:15 to 8:25: Random scenes of Ruffalo and Garner falling in love, yadda, yadda, yadda . . . I start to turn my belt into a noose and wonder if it would handle my weight if I hung it from the ceiling.  Alas, it does not, and I instead end up with a really bad back ache as I go crumbling to the floor. 

8:35: Garner gets cheated out of her dream gig by one of her conniving co-workers.  I scream "that bitch!" at the television.  Convinced that my transformation to a chick is complete like Jeff Goldblaum in "The Fly", I proceed to put on a Pearl Jam CD to bring back some of my manhood.  Alas, the first song I hear is Last Kiss, a song about lost love.  Dear God, is that a tear running down my face?  Once the transformation is complete, there is no turning back.  I need more chunky monkey.

8:55: It all turns out ok for Jen and Mark!  Yay!  And my Chunky Monkey is just about finished up.  I still have five minutes to surf the web for naked pics of Jen Garner (I'm sure this last phrase will get a few hits under a google search) until "24" begins!  God, isn't Valentine's day the best?

9:00: My search for naked pics of Jen Garner comes up empty.  But I did find alot of photos of Jen and Ben together.  Whoooo hoooo.  24 begins . . .

10:00: I'm tired of this post.  Here's a quick synapsis of the last hour: Bauer gets hit by a car, doesn't get hurt, a nuclear fallout happens, terrorists threaten to do bad things etc.  Once you've seen one hour, you've seen them all.  I again try to hang myself from the ceiling, but my roommate has come home before I can try, and I don't want to embarass myself trying to hang myself with J. Crew sweaters strung together in a rope.  That would be deemed odd behaviour, wouldn't it?  The night ends with me searching for naked pictures of Elisha Cuthbert, now that she's off "24," I seriously miss her.

And that's a complete rundown of Valentine's day in Wawasworld.  Enjoy your roses and chocolate!

Vince Neil Gets Married!

Well, clearly this is Surreal life week in Wawasworld, because on Tuesday Vince Neil got married to long time girlfriend Lia Gheradini (and I think it's a little presumptious for me to say long time girlfriend.  In the disposable world of metal, that could mean like 4 months).  This is nothing unusual, considering that Vince has been married 4 times, but what's most unusual is who officiated the wedding: MC HAMMER (I'd call him Hammer if I actually respected him and his wishes, but whatever).  Since Wawasworld is known for presenting exclusive behind the looks, we snuck in and got a look at the nuptials.  Take a look:

MC Hammer: We're here on this glorious day to celebrate the union between Vince and his beautiful bride, Lia.  Before we get started, I just want to tell you about meeting Vince for the first time.  When we met on the surreal life, he was a mess.  Lazy, drunk . . . it was ugleeeee.  And now, from the grace of God, he has been saved by this beautiful woman. 

Vince: That's beautiful, man (takes off gay hankerchief and dabs his eyes).  You remember when we got loaded and dunked Emanuel Lewis in the toilet?  HILARIOUS!

Emmanuel Lewis: HEY!

Vince: Sorry, Dude . . . Let's get this show on the road!  I can only stay in this stupid pose for so long. 

MC Hammer:  Ahem . . . Do you, Lia, take this man to be your lawfully wedded Husband, to have and to hold through even more plastic surgery, failed Motley Crue reunion tours,  relapse into alcoholism, and finally, divorce?

Lia (In deep manly voice): I do

MC Hammer: Do you, Vince Neil, take Lia to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold through badly needed breast reduction, even further botox injections, and a failed foray into acting?

Vince: I Do

MC Hammer: Before I declare you Husband and Wife, do we have any objections to this union?

Jim Carrey: HOLD ON, BUSTER!!!!  I object!!!!

Vince: Jim, WTF are you doing???  You're going to ruin my wedding!!!!!

Jim Carrey:  Vince, you're about to make a huge mistake!!!  (Runs over to the couple and hikes up Lia's skirt . . . )

Jim: . . . . EITHER THAT'S A MAN OR THAT'S THE WORST CASE OF HEMORRHOIDS I HAVE EVER SEEN!

Tommy Lee (Spits and Wipes Mouth): DUDE!

Vince: OH MY GOD!  Is that why when we had all the lights off, you said it wasn't dark enough in here????

Lia: Ummmm . .. .

Hammer: I am not pleased . .  . as a man of God, I can't condone this freak show marriage . . . I'm going to have to kick your ass now

Nikki Sixx: PLEASE HAMMER, DON'T HURT 'EM . . . 

(As if I was going to end this post without one joke  about Hammer's music career???  Come on .  . .)

And they lived happily ever after . . . I love this images thing . ...

File Under: "You Don't Say" and "What The Hell Were They Thinking?"

You were probably expecting a post with cool pictures and graphics now that I can put that stuff up?  Well, you'd be wrong!

Whoa!  How did Kate Hudson's IMDB picture get in my blog???  (I had her on my mind today after the Black Crowes announced that they are getting back together for 5 shows at the Hammerstein.  I blame Yoko Hudson for breaking them up in the first place!  What can I say?  I like my rock derivative)

Enough about my new rock driven, graphics heavy blog.  It's been awhile since I've gotten any links that have driven me to get angry to post about it, but lo and behold, I got 2 links today:

1. The U.S. government announces that by eating less and exercising more, you can lose weight!:  What?!?  This can't be true (and by putting the lose weight link in there, doesn't it sort of have that junk e-mail hotmail feel to it?).  Next they'll tell me that if I eat MORE and Excercise LESS, I'll gain weight.  That would just be silly, right?  If only Carnie Wilson had got this information sooner before she put her fat ass surgery on the internet.  So many people could have been saved . .  . sigh

2. Kid Rock is thrown off George Bush's inaugaration bill: Our favorite southern fried rap/rock artist was thrown off because of . . . gasp . . . offensive lyrics!   Who does the research and bookings for such events?  What doesn't fit here: Hillary Duff, JoJo (WhoWho?) and Kid Rock?  I even heard that Kid Rock was going to start off the show by serenading Hilary Duff with this little Ditty:

Hey, yo, ho!  Hillary, you may be young at heart and y'all, but like my daddy said, if there is grass on the field . . . .LET'S PLAY BALLLLLLLLLLL!  Cause I'm a Cowboy baby . . . 

Yup, that would have went over great with the catholic coalition.  Good Times, Good Times .  .  . (That'll be the phrase now when I don't know how to finish a post.  It's so versatile!)

The Surreal Life: Wawasworld

After finishing 24 and The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes, Wawasworld caught VH1's the Surreal Life: Season 4. (and having those 3 show names probably just got me some more teenagers to the site). Unbelievable cast this season: A failed female wrestler, Peter Brady, America's Top Model, A male supermodel, A GO-GO, Mini-Me, and Da Brat (who got so pissed off at her manager for putting her on a show with "has-beens"  Da Brat, haven't you seen the show before?  And also, weren't you already in a video with Mariah Carey?  You've been in the has-been business for a looooong time already).   Now while I love having a failed Go-Go on my TV screen every week (and wouldn't the failed Go-Go be Charlotte Caffey, who had a serious heroin addiction?  I digress . . . again), Wawasworld had a better idea for the Surreal Life.  Since Wawasworld likes to think ahead, I already have a cast in mind for next season:

Pat Sajak (Host of Wheel of Fortune. . .um . . . duh): My Dad would be dissapointed if I didn't put on his favorite star on my Surreal life discussion.  I think he's a perfect fit for the show.  While Wheel of Fortune is still on, it hasn't been relevant since the B.A Baracas was busting heads on the A-Team.  And let's be honest about this . . . is there much difference between telling a midwestern housewife to spin the wheel and telling a former b-list TV actor, such as . . .

Tina Yothers (Family Ties): . . . to take out the trash?  Nope.  And while we're at it, why don't we add another former Family Ties actor to the bunch, shall we?

Courtney Cox (Family Ties): She's married to David Arquette and she acted with David Schwimmer and Matt LeBlanc.  She's been b-listing it for a while now.  She'll feel right at home with my crew.  And besides, how heartwarming will that first scene between Tina and Courtney be as they reminisce over the good old days over a bottle of chianti?  Oh, that Meredith Baxter Birney was such a prankster!

NHL Star Sergei Federov: It's a B-list sport, he dated a B-list athelete (Anna Kournikova .  . . and no, she is not b-list hot), and he's got alot of time on his hand with the NHL lockout.  Why not?  Also,  who wouldn't want to see a Russian dude utter the sentence: "Courtney and Tina?  3-way with Sergei, nyet?"

Joyce Dewitt (Three's Company): You always need one bitter former sitcom star on the show (Please see Dave Coulier and Gary Coleman).  Well, Wawasworld is reaching for the Stars!  No sitcom star is more bitter then Joyce Dewitt, who continues to hold a grudge against Suzanne Sommers for leaving the show, even 30 years later.  We can tottally build an intervention episode where Suzanne visits and they work out their problems. 

Jake Steinfeld (The Body By Jake Guy): Can you say perfect?  He had a stupid 80's workout show, he had a brief scene in Coming To America (Cabdriver) and he can help the final cast member . . .

Wawa (Wawasworld): . . . get in shape.  I've always wanted to share a hot tub scene with Joyce Dewitt and Tina Yothers.  It would be hotter then the classic Threesome from Real World Las Vegas . . . HOT!

And there you have it kids .  . . Wawasworld super (mediocre) seven.  WB, I'm waiting for your call!  (Oh, I'm trying something new with the pics . . . this is my first foray into graphics.  Bear with me until I can figure out how to edit photos.  I know you wait with baited breath (did I use the right baited?)

The Final Straw: Brad and Jen

Unless you live under a porn store (which, btw, was directed by the creator of WKRP in Cincinatti!!!!), you know that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have broken up.  Rumor has it that Brad wanted to have a child and that Jen wanted to continue her career.  Wawasworld sources have confirmed this story to be TRUE.  In fact, we have footage of that fateful, final night in the fabulous 14.5 MILLION Dollar home that they used to share (why did I put MILLION in capitals?  Austin Powers jokes are so '99).  Let's take a look:

(Brad's posing in the mirror)

Brad: Honey, honey . . . come quick . . . I just moved my left pectoral up and down!  I've been working on that stunt for weeks!

(Jen in bed reading US weekly)

Jen: That's nice, honey.  Shit . . . I didn't make the cover this week!  Stupid Lohan bitch. That's 4 freaking weeks in a row!!!!

Brad: You know what would get you back on the cover?  If you made those pregnancy rumors true. . .

Jen: BRAD!  We talked about this . .  . I need to rebound from Along Came Polly first, then kids . . .

Brad (Still posing): Listen, sweetheart, these guns aren't getting any younger (kisses arms).  Baby, I got a biological clock . . . .and it's ticking.  Tick, tick, tick, tick . . . boom, boom, dynamite . . . boom, boom, DYNAMITE! (kisses arms again)

Jen: Kids, this, Kids that.  I gotta career.  Leprachaun 1 can't be my finest movie  moment ever!!!

Brad: Oh yeah!  Check out those abs! (Punches himself in the stomach) ROCK HARD!  You wanna punch me in the stomach Jen?  You wanna take a turn testing out this stomach?  Huh?

Jen: We were talking about kids

Brad: Oh, right.  You see Angelina?  You see how happy she is with baby Maddox?  It's oh so cute . . . JUST LIKE MY BACK!  (Turns around to check out his back)

Jen: That's it.  I knew you had something for Angelina!!!  The rumors are true!!!!  I'm done with you, you narcissitic bastard . .  .

Brad: That's cool . .  . You'll be back on the cover of US this week, no problem.  Now, where was I?  (poses again in front of mirror)

Star Wars, Nothing But Star Wars . . .

Christ, it's been a long time since I've posted.  I'll probably post a few things about what my December was like, what I've seen, and how one girl's hair will never be the same.  It is a new year, right?  It's time to start thinking about a direction of where I want to take this money making machine I like to call Wawasworld. 

To start the New Wawasworld Year, my buddy Shawn sent me this link to someone who may be slightly uncooler then me.  Hmmmm .  . . I have a few thoughts on this guy:

1)   He lists himself as Star Wars fan 1138.  If you're willing to wait in line for 5 months for a Star Wars movie, wouldn't your number in terms of fandom be lower? You'd think he'd be at least number 3 or 4, right?  He has alot of comments on his site, which probably means someone has pointed this out to him .  . . which brings me to his reaction to his comments . .  .

2) His anger towards the commenters isn't very Jedi-like, now is it?  I'm guessing he's seen all of the movies . .  . um . . . more then once.  I'd guess that some of that Yoda shit would rub off on him.  Alas, it looks like only Darth Vader's dark loving got all over him.

3) Who's uncooler: The fat guy who did the jedi sword fighting thing and was caught on tape or the guy who waits 5 months outside the theater to see Star Wars?  I'll take the guy waiting 5 months.  It takes a certain amount of bravery, creativity and stupidity to tape onesself air swordfighting and posting it on the net.  If you don't know what I'm talking about . . . well, you're out of luck.  I don't have the link.  I should have it eventually.  Maybe you chumps should check the site next week. (EDIT: Shawn came up with the Fat Star Wars Kid Link . . .Enjoy)

And well, that's my thoughts for this week, I guess.  Oh . .. one other thing . . . Wawasworld presents the creepiest looking couple EVER  Wow!  That is one scary looking dude .  .  . and Vince Neil doesn't look much better.