Open Letter To Britney Spears
Dear Britney,
How ya doin, hon? Yeah, my weekend was crazy too. I got a little too hammered and sang this awful rendition of Pearl Jam's "I got shit" at a karaoke bar. But hey, you wouldn't know that song since you're only a Radiohead fan (let me guess, you bought that album for Creep?). Well, anyways, enough about me. My life is fine. It's you I'm worried about . . . and your unborn baby (cue ominous music).
Look, I'm sure that Federline can cut a rug like no one else, but is this guy, ya know, "the one" I mean, he left his last girlfriend with 2 of his kids! Does that seem responsible to you? Listen, I know, I know . . . where you're from Trailerparks, wife beaters, and leaving your children fatherless is glamorous, but you don't live in Kent, Louisiana anymore. You live in Los Angeles, where the moral values are only slightly higher. Slightly. May I suggest someone more "fatherly"? Hell, since the other Top Gun is taken, why don't you just go for the scraps? Just a thought, that's all.
Now I hear that you're about to launch your Reality show on UPN, which us in the industry refer to as the "Unwatchable Program Network" This just seems kind of silly. I mean, all of the things that you and Kevin probably label as cute "habits" (such as walking on public bathroom floors shoeless, having sex on an open balcony, wearing really ugly mumu's etc.), maybe the rest of the country will label "disgusting" Maybe that's just me. Baby, this has disaster written all over it. I'm sure Kev had a hand in talking you into this.
So you're probably asking "Wawa, you're right. Help me." Ok, I'm here for you. First off, we gotta lose Kev. Sure the braids are dazzling and man, what a smile, but not since Roseanne married Tom has a woman gone veering off the tracks as poorly as you. At least we get to watch this train wreck on the UPN. Oh wait, I avoid the UPN like the plague. Nevermind. Again, as I mentioned above: VAL! THINK ABOUT IT! Secondly, try to get your sister Jamie Lynn in on the act. She'll add that sort of innocent charm that you have so clearly lost. Hell, my buddy even claims she'll be hotter then you, but she's kind of only 13, so I can't really back him on this (or can I?). And finally, drop the Kabballah crap. I will say they do make nice friendship bracelets, though.
Look, you still have time. Sure, you're at that ripe old age when pop stars fall off the face of the earth, but hey, look at . . . er . . . hmmm .. . John Travolta? Yes! TRAVOLTA! He bounced back, albeit 50 lbs. heavier and 1000 times less talented then his initial breakout. Er . . .you want someone in the music industry? Um . . . well, those comebacks aren't so common. Let's just stick with Travolta.
Well, anyways, I gotta go. I miss ya! Hugs and Kisses for the stepkids!
Sincerely,
Wawasworld
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