An Open Letter To Katie Holmes

Dear Katie,

So how are you???  Long time, never speak!  How am I?  I'm good.  Playing some poker, going to some shows, loving the ladies etc.  You know the drill.  Anyways, I just got some weird news that you've been dating Tom Cruise for the last couple of weeks.  Wha?  Huh?  I'm confused.  I thought you and me had something going on while you were on Dawson's Creek.  Sure, our love was through an electronic box that emanates bright and beautiful colors, but hey, believe you me, I felt the love.

Anyways, I think you dating Tom is a REALLY bad idea.  Ok, yeah, I get the big "movie star" thing and, yeah, well, he's Tom Cruise.  Also, I realize he's a step up from Chris Klein (but at this point, who isn't???).  I got it, I got it.  But let me just explain a couple of things about Mr. Cruise.  That guys star is going down faster then a groupie at a GNR show.  Why you ask?  Well, first off, his next movie, "War of the Worlds", is starring Dakota Fanning, the preeminent child actor of our generation now that Haley Joel Osment is going through puberty ("I see a dead career").  Think of it this way: Her last big movie was with Robert Deniro a couple of months ago.  Some scary crap that escapes my memory.  Anyways, have we heard from him since???  No.  Why???  Because Dakota outshined him so bad!  Guess who's next on the "Dakota: Career Killer" list?  That's right . ... you're new Pretty boy Floyd.  So while you think you're stepping up with a "star", baby, you're riding the curve just a little too late.

And let's just address the age issue.  HE'S 42!!!  He was making "All The Right Moves" figuratively and literally when you still thought boys were icky!  And not a word about the whole "Demi-Ashton" thing.  Spare me, Sweetie.  That little romance has turned the tables on the double standard of old dudes dating young chickadees like yourself.  Since hot old chicks dating young hot dudes is "in", well, it just makes your current behavior so . . . so . .  . 2000.  Ugh.  You're killing me.

So, Katie dear, in conclusion, I just think this whole Cruise thing is a bad idea.  Yeah, maybe I'm a little bitter that I didn't get my chance with you.  And sure, I hate him for being a billionairre and stealing all the young Hollywood neophytes (paging Penelope!).  But hey, it's never too late to give me a ring so we can work this out.  I'm sure I can clear some of the CD's and laundry in my room for one former Joey Potter (and what's up with the half naked head shot in the promo poster on that page.  You didn't once come even close to being that remotely naked on that show!).

Sincerely,

Wawasworld

Comments

[Don]

Hopefully her (or his) publicist finds this post while doing google searches on "Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Dating".

That's the great thing about the Internet Wawa, you never know if she'll really read it or not. Chances are that she just may.

[the real story]

http://mm.dfilm.com/mm2s/mm_route.php?id=2383459

[Big D]

Big D,

Stop yelling at the dealer at the blackjack table. It's not his fault.