wawasworld

A Little To the Left, A Little To The Right . . .

. . . and Lindsay Lohan could have been a porn star.  So far, Wawasworld has profiled Cameron Diaz and Hugh Grant, and sadly, while being the youngest in the series,  the third participant  is probably the closest to actually being a porn star.  You don't believe me?  Well then, take a look:

Lindsay 1996: Gets her start on Another World

Porn Lindsay 1996: Runs away from  home in Long Island because her dad is a drunk

Lindsay 1998: Gets her big break in the remake of "The Parent Trap" originally starring Hayley Mills

Porn Lindsay 1998: Gets her big break in the remake of "The Snatch Trap" originally starring Hayley Hills

Lindsay 2000: Stars in TV Movie "Life Size"

Porn Lindsay 2000: Stars in Spice TV Movie "Man Size"

Lindsay 2002: Busts out even further with another remake, "Freaky Friday"

Porn Lindsay 2002: Just busts out further

Lindsay 2004:  Decides to record her first pop album.  While promoting the album on Good Morning America, it's reported that she was caught lip-synching .  The titian-tressed temptress disappointed her young fans. "It was embarrassing," one formerly devoted follower told us. "It hurt my heart."  Lindsay is overheard claiming acid reflux made her lip synch.

Porn Lindsay 2004: Decides to record the first porn-pop crossover album.  While promoting the album on the Playboy channel, it's later reported that her breasts are not real.  The titian-tressed temptress dissapointed her young fans.  "It's embarrassing," one formerly devoted follower told us.  "It hurt my heart."  Lindsay is overheard claiming it was  silicone reflux that made her get her chest.

I've Lived this Life Before

What does Wawasworld do on a Saturday night when he has nothing to do?  That's easy: He watches MTV's marathon of the show Life As We Know It, starring Kelly Osbourne and a bunch of no names (Sorry, D.B. Sweeney, but the Cutting Edge should be on the Cutting Floor).  This show is actually on ABC, but for some odd reason, MTV doled out some cash to show re-runs on their own channel.  Funny how MTV would buy the rights to this show, even though the ratings are lower then public access . . . it couldn't be that it's a favor to a former MTV cash cow (and I do mean cow) with Kelly Osbourne?  Nah.  You're probably asking yourself:  "But Wawa, don't you have all the  important channels, like skinemax on demand and showtime on demand?"  Sorry kids, but man alone cannot sustain on just soft core porn and showings of the Matrix series about 8,000 times.  So I got out my Heath bar crunch BJ (and that's Ben and Jerry's, sickos!) and sat down for 6 episodes of this teenage schlock.

Oh . . . and here's the premise of the show: 3 teenage boys living in Seattle Washington, dealing with the typical high school hijinks of dances, girls and parental units gone awry.  Seems pretty basic, but sadly, that's what the problem was.  It was TOO basic.  It felt too familiar, and made me long for the old classics of  teenage mellodrama and comedy.  Sorry, kids of Life as We Know It, but I've seen your Life once too often.  I'll give you 3 prime examples:

1) The Classic Teacher/Student Affair:  One of the boys is having an affair with his teacher!  Oh the scandal . . .  if this were 1998.  I could have sworn Pacey hooked up with his teacher in Dawson's Creek.   Why yes, Pacey Witter DID hook up with his teacher in Season one.  Yawn.  Been there, done that, Seattle kids.  On to the next plotline.   I will  say this: At least the Teacher in this show was TV Hot.  The one in Dawson's was merely TV mediocre.  Please see 3 posts below if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

2) The 3 boys stop and talk into the camera:    Oh dude, you guys are killing me now.  Hmmmm . . .  I don't know if you kids have ever seen a little show called, I don't know, SAVED BY THE BELL?  Zach Morris was talking into the camera while you were still sucking on your mama's teet,  Ms. Osbourne!!!!  Just an egregious rip off move if I've ever seen one.  But that's not the worst one . .  . oh no . . .

3) They ripoff the classic condom buying scene at the Pharmacy/Grocery:  This is the scene where One of the boys and Kelly Osbourne's character need a "Price check" at the front counter of a pharmacy when they go to buy condoms.   Pick any show.  It's not even a classic teen drama move.  EVERY SHOW USES THIS MOVE!  Need I point to the Golden Girls episode where the three are going on a cruise together and decide to buy condoms and also need a price check?  Of course I don't need to remind you.  If you're like me, that particular episode has probably scarred you .  . . but I digress. 

I could go on and on with this.  Considering how much teen television I watch, it drives me nuts when derivative happens.  Give me a Smallville or a One Tree Hill any day of the week.  At least those have superheroes and former hot MTV VJ's on it (Please see Hilarie Burton from One Tree Hill . .  . Yowzers!). 

fade to black

cue Paula Cole's: I don't want to wait . . .

(I stole this from Jefke's last post . . . .not sure how to end this piece of crap post)

In Flight Nirvana

For charity, Krist Novoselic, former bassist with seminal (God, do you have any idea how long I've wanted to use that word in a blog???) grunge band Nirvana, is auctioning off his services as a pilot for a one day excusion on a cesna.  Hmmmm . . . aging rock star flying me in a tin can that could go down at any moment?  Sounds like fun!  Wawasworld jumped into his what if machine to see what it would be like if I won that auction:

(Climbing on the cesna with Krist Novoselic greeting me)

Wawasworld: Oh my God, Oh my God . . .  It's Krist Novoselic!  You were in . . . can't breathe . . . Nirvana.

Krist Novoselic: That's right .  . . and I'll be your pilot today

Wawasworld: Wow!  This is so great .  .  . you're like my 3rd favorite member of Nirvana!!!!!

Krist Novoselic: Um .  . . there were only 3 of us

Wawasworld: Not true!  Pat Smear was also a member

Krist Novoselic: Well, not officially .  . . 

Wawasworld: Well, Courtney Love said the same thing about you . .  . (awkward laugh, followed by awkward silence) So . . . uh . . . you remember that time at the MTV music awards?

Krist Novoselic: Which time?

Wawasworld: When you threw the bass up in the air and it hit you in the head?

Krist Novoselic: Um .  . . yeah?

Wawasworld: That was GREAT!  Can we reenact that scene today when we land?  Huh, Huh, Can we?????

Krist Novoselic: I'm only here to to share the wonders of aviation and remind you to be careful during the most dangerous phase of flight – the drive to and from the airport

Wawasworld: Um . . . I'd rather do the guitar thing

Krist Novoselic: No

Wawasworld: What the hell happened to you?  You used to be so cool!  And look at you now . . . hocking flights on a tin can that David Bowie floated around in the video for "Space Oddity"

Krist Novoselic: Do you still want to fly?

Wawasworld: Nah . . . But could you autograph my New Nirvana boxset??????

TV Hot and Beverly Hills 90210

Wawasworld's clear overexposure to television has clearly fogged his vision of regular women in the world.   This is the reason I watch so much television: There are truly no ugly people on television.  Even the TV ugly ones (and I'll go into this in a second) still have decent bodies.  Sure, the faces may be kinda haggard, and some of the TV ugly women may look a little beat up (please see Nicolette Sheridan in Desperate Housewives), but really, they are still a step up from what you see regularly on the street, no regular guy is gonna kick them out of there bed.  Duh!  They are on television!!!!  As one of my favorite sayings go when I'm watching some shit reality show (Please see Wifeswap): "Ugh . . . I don't watch TV for ugly people.  I can leave my apartment in Queens for that"

So in response, I've decided to write out a trusty scale to measure regular women against what they would be on Television.  No show embodied my scale as well as Beverly Hills 90210.  I mean you ran the complete gamut from TV Ugly to TV Beautiful.  So here is the scale:

TV Sideshow: Pretty much a poor package all around.  I usually cringe when I see this on TV.  Either you're way too plain to jam my airwaves or you're way too hideous to walk regular streets. 

90210 example: Gabrielle Carteris

Regular World Equivalent Ranking: Plain or Plain Ugly

TV Ugly: Pretty basic.  You have a great body but an ugly haggard face, but as long as your daddy runs the show, well, hey, you'll always have the job. 

Best Example: Tori Spelling

Regular World Equivalent Ranking: Plain to Regular Mediocre (See?  Sort of like how hot you want your chicken wings!)

TV Mediocre: This one is a tougher one.  Can also be construed as TV Average, if you so choose. Kinda cute, but doesn't measure up against the real TV heavyweights.  Maybe small boobs, weird nose, odd eyes .  . . just something isn't right.  In the real world, you'd overlook all of these faults, and say to yourself: "Still better then 80% of what I usually see."

90210 Equivalent: Jennie Garth (I never saw it . . . the button nose . . . the pale skin . . . but still cute on the streets)

Regular World Equivalent Ranking: Regular Cute

TV Hot: In the regular world, this is the girl who would have all eyes on her at the bar, cause she's way too smoking for her own good.  She's been a baaaaaad girl . .  . you just want to span .  . . whoops.  I got visions of . . .

90210 Equivalent: . . . Shanen Doherty, who morphed into Tiffani Amber Thiessen

Regular World Equivalent: Smoking. 

TV Beautiful: Ah yes, the "It" girl.  Sure, she may not have the biggest chest or the finest ass, but she sure is purdier then everyone else.   To stray from the 90210 theme of the whole blog, but a perfect example is Mischa Barton from the OC.   She's not quite as hot as Rachel Bilson, but you'd be all for presenting her to your folks.  Rachel Bilson is a perfect example of the hot stripper girl your seeing for a good time and would show to your friends, while Mischa is someone you'd want to marry.  Dawwww . . . wawasworld can be sensitive too!

90210 Equivalent: Vanessa Marcil (Rule of Thumb: If you get a soap facial commercial, you're TV Beautiful . . .also note, Shannen Doherty never got one of those)

Real World Equivalent: They don't exist in this world

And to all my chick friends who are reading this, well, baby, you are all TV beautiful to me .  .  . (pfffffft . . . )

BTW-Why didn't I use my beloved IMDB links in this post?  Eh .   . .too much work, I guess

Spin The Silver Circle

Wawasworld loves his CD's.  I can't get enough of them.  Nothing pleases me more then going into one of those cold multimedia centers such as Best Buy, planning to buy only the latest arena rock cd, and coming out with about 100 CD's of bands I heard on the OC (Music on tonights episode included: Elefant, The Donnas and Gomez).  Sure, it's a habit that rivals only a strong heroin addiction in terms of cost, but hey, I'm a middle marketing manager.  My budget can handle it.

But with technology, it pains me to see the CD's time may be going.  The more I ride the subway or walk the streets of Manhattan, it's Ipods and other weird foreign devices presenting themselves as the future of music.  They all look like phasers from Star Trek, but hey, that's progress, I guess.  So as Wawasworld was jamming to the latest U2 CD, I ran into a co-worker who said the following to me:

Random Co-Worker: Wow .   . . is that a CD player???

Wawasworld: Why yes it is

Random Co-Worker: I haven't seen one of those in a long time.  You should get an ipod . . ..

Ugh. .  . I felt like I was back in 3rd grade, still wearing Jams shorts, while all the other kids were wearing pants.  A very, very dark moment in Wawasworld.  And . . . btw . . . when the fuck did CD's become so passe??? Is this how record owners felt when they were passed over for the 8-track?  Or when tape collectors were passed over for CD's?  And has this blog turned into a Carrie Bradshaw musing from "Sex in the City"?  And I'm guessing the answer is yes on all accounts.   Sigh .  . . Maybe this Christmas, I may just give into the Itunes universe for only 99 cents a song.  I'll be unique .  . . just like everyone else.