wawasworld

Riot Act

Congratulations, Boston Red Sox for a job well done this month. Of course, not only did you open up the pandora's box of rioting when you beat the Yankees, but hey, let's see if we can riot one more time when we win the actual World Series! Surprisingly, the people of Boston were relatively calm about the whole thing. Which is what they were suppossed to be! Like Fight Club (First rule of Fight Club, NEVER TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!) their are rules to rioting. And Wawasworld is here to present some guidelines for the Riot Act:

1) You can't riot twice in one postseason/championship year: Sorry, Boston, no flipping over cars and setting property on fire the second time. Rioting once in a postseason is entertainment . . . rioting twice is just plain uncivilized.

2) Once a person dies, you lose your rioting rights for at least 10 years: After what happened to that poor girl who got hit with a beanie bag, you really don't have the right to party too hard.

3) Don't burn cars worth more then 10k during a sporting riot: It's probably waiting to be put out of it's misery anyways. Go ahead. Burn the mother . . . DOWWWWWWWWWN!

4) Only 2 people to a lamppost, please: We all know those things were only meant to hold 2 people . . . duh! Anymore would just be dangerous.

5) For the cops, Tear Gas ONLY: These aren't terrorists. Probably some punk kids who don't know how to act. If you fire the good old fashioned tear gas, no one gets hurt, and the crowd gets dispersed. Sounds like a good time to me!!!

Bonus Rules: Some of you read this and are probably thinking about civil unrest riots (like Rodney King). Those are the most fun! That's when you can loot. What's says more then "F you for taking away my civil rights" then "Shit, I'm going to break this window at Best Buy and steal me a TV!" Um . . . TRY NOTHING! I've got some rules for those as well:

a) Burn cars over 10k: You're just sticking it to the MAN then. Lexus, Hummers, Mercedes . . . all fair game. SEND A MESSAGE TO THE POLITICIANS!

b) Don't use your fists to break glass: Um . . . OW! I'm sure you can find bricks or rocks laying around. Those work best.

c) When stealing that Television or electronics good, don't be afraid to ask for help: Those things are heavy! Never be afraid to ask your fellow rioter/looter for a hand carrying that brand new Sony.

And those are my rules of rioting . . . use them wisely.

You're my friend, Mr. Buffet

In Wawasworld today, some of my co-workers and I went to a local Japanese sushi buffet. I'm kinda feeling it right now, but hey, that's the price you pay for all you can eat goodness. As a result of my trip through the land of gluttony, I decided to collect some of the key details of the buffet experience and pass it on to my readers:

1. What does the word Buffet really mean?: I have no idea, but my friend Stacey came up with this acronym:

wawa: What does Buffet stand for?
Stacey: BIG UGLY FAT FUCKERS EAT TWICE
wawa: Oh
wawa: My
wawa: GOD
Stacey: haahhahahaah, that's WHAT THEY SAY!

No words have ever been so true . . . which brings me to my next point . . .

2. Hot chicks don't go to buffets, and if you do see one, savor the moment: This just makes sense. If you're watching your weight or you really care about your body, why the hell would you go to a place that has fried shrimp that works out to be about 8 cents a pound??? You wouldn't. Cause it's bad!!! I did see one hot chick today, and I had this pleasant exchange with my co-workers:

Wawa: Wow . . .you see her? No fat on her . . . what's she doing here?
Co-worker: Wawa, I think she heard you

See? Savor the moment.

3. You better have more then one plate . . .. and make sure you get the dessert!!!!: What's the point of going to a buffet if you're going to just have one plate? Christ, for less then $13.95, you can go to a deli and get "just" a hoagie. Embrace the buffet. Be the buffet. The buffet is like being a citizen of the USA: Love it . . . or leave it!!!! (I'm not sure how that fits, but it just does).

4. Don't taste the food while in line: hehehehee . . . I break this rule all the time. My brother at a Vegas buffet one time said to me: "Jesus . . . can you wait to get back to the table??? I've seen how you eat chicken wings. . . .that shit goes splattering everywhere!!!" And he's right. I realize buffets have those little plastic guards to protect such things from happening, but what if you're a short person? That plastic guard is going to protect nothing! Your head is right at the buffet, so once you take that bite of that Jalapeno popper . . . .BAM! Jalapeno right back from where it came from. Just something to think about. (yes, I really think about these things)

5. If it looks scary, it probably is scary: Some of the food has been sitting out for awhile, and well, isn't so fresh anymore. You take your chances at a buffet at a buffet, of course, but sometimes you just don't have to be so risque'. If the Fettucinni Alfredo doesn't look so good, well it probably isn't (and I don't want to go into detail .. . but I know!!!!)

So hopefully, those 5 points about buffets help you out for the next time you decide to enter the land of gluttony. As a first time buffeter, you should start small at like a Sizzler and slowly work your way up to something like the Rio Buffet (THE GREATEST BUFFET EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE!). Hope these tips help.

The 1st Debate

Wawasworld usually stays away from politics, but sometimes, when you get footage as good as this, you really can't sit idly by on the sidelines. As you all know, Bush and Kerry are scheduled for there 2nd debate tommorrow night. However, what you don't know is that it is actually the THIRD debate that Kerry and Bush have had. Wawasworld has gained access to the first debate, moderated by WWE owner Vince McMahon! Take a look:

Vince McMahon: Welcome to the 1st WWE Presedential Debate LIVE from the Asheville coliseum here in North Carolina!!!!! So without further adieu, let's welcome our candidates. First, weighing in at 220 lbs. from an "undisclosed location" please welcome your 43rd president GEORGE THE ANIMAL BUUUUUUUUSH

(Loud booing from Audience)

and last but not least, in the blue corner, weighing in at 215 lbs from New England, please welcome John "Bad ass" Kerry!!!!

(Loud Cheers from the Audience)

To help me moderate this event, please welcome my sidekick, Jim "Country Boy" Ross. Now onto the questions. First, for you George, What would happen if you found Bin Laden?

George: Vince, listen closely, I'd turn him upside down, then turn him sideways, bend him over and THEN KICK HIM STRAIGHT BACK TO THE SAND HE CAME FROM!!! (Booooooooo . . . ) Yeah, yeah . . . (George gives the audience the finger)

Jim Ross: My God, George the Animal lands the first blow of the debate . . . how can Kerry ever recover???

Vince: Same question for you, John

John: Well, these are complicated times, and we need a man with complicated solutions. First, I'd negotiate with Bin Laden, and then I would kick his ass, and then negotiate some more. In a peaceful, war mongering way, of course.

(Jim and Vince look at each other befuddled)

(Howard Dean appears from the back with a steel chair)

Jim: MY GOD! IT'S HOWARD DEAN HERE TO HELP JOHN KERRY OUT WITH THE STEEL CHAIR! THE FANS ARE GOING NUTS! IT'S THE CAVALRY TO THE RESCUE!!

(Howard looks at John Kerry and then at George Bush . . . .AND HANDS THE CHAIR OVER TO GEORGE)

(George Slams Kerry over the head with the chair)

Jim: MY GOD! HE'S TURNED AGAINST KERRY! GODDAMN YOU, DEAN! WHAT ABOUT THE FANS?!?!?!

Howard: The better question: HOW COULD THE FANS TURN THERE BACK ON ME AND VOTE FOR THE CANDY ASS! (Dean spits on Kerry's lifeless body . . .. George raises the hand of Dean)

George: (Pointing at Dean while raising his Dean's hand) Here's the real winner. . . .

Jim: MY GOD! IT'S CHAOS HERE IN ASHEVILLE! WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK . .. . .