wawasworld

Rules of the Road

On Tuesday, Wawasworld will be taking his show on the road to see his beloved Pearl Jam. First to Boston, then to Reading PA. and finally Toledo Ohio. I'll be driving from Boston with one other person and then a couple of people to Reading. Considering that I will be driving on both of these trips, I've decided to lay down some ground rules for the average 4 hr. Wawasworld road trip:

1) Silence is required for half the trip. Feel free to take naps: I believe no one can fill up an entire 4 hr. trip with meaningful conversation. What does meaningful mean? Sports, Relationships (and this is a gray area if you ask me in terms of meaningful), Politics, and Music. That can only possibly fill 2 hours. at about 2 hrs., you're just talking to hear yourself speak (actually, I do have a silky smooth barry white voice). If you're travelling with 3 or more, ok, you can maybe fill a trip of 4 hrs. Just 2 people? Forget it.

2) Feel free to bring music. Doesn't mean we're going to listen to it.: So let me get this straight: I do all the driving, yet the person in the passenger seat gets to control the radio? Huh? Does that make any sense? A car trip is not a democracy. It's a dictatorship. If I'm doing the heavy lifting, you should be able to listen to whatever crap I want to listen to. When exactly did the tide turn to the power of the passenger? How about this: You give me $50 for lugging around you and your shit, and then you can have a choice in the music.

3) A maximum of Two bathroom breaks/food breaks: You're an adult. 4 hrs. You can do it. Just don't eat dairy beforehand, and we should be all set. Suck it up, champ.

4) You can smoke in the car. But let's try and not smoke at the same time: Pretty basic. I just don't want my car to become a smoky casino like atmosphere. Wait .. . did you bring cards?. . . which brings me to . . .

5) No Games: Silence. Gotta concentrate. You can play games when you get out of the car.

Those seem pretty simple, right? I'll give you the example of the best road trip I ever took with another person: I was driving to Canada to see Pearl Jam. My friend came along. She slept about 8 hours of the trip, filling the first 3 hours with banter about whatever. Perfect. While she slept, I got the control of the radio, and didn't have to think if she could take it or not. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was a little bitter that I had to drive 13 STRAIGHT HOURS WITHOUT HER DRIVING AT ALL, but life is all about give and take. She got her nap, I got my radio and most importantly, I didn't have to stop that often. It looks like we have a winner . . . hopefully these couple of trips go as well as that one did.

J. Lo vs. J. Garner

As we all know, Ben Affleck has recently admitted to dating to Alias starlet Jennifer Garner (And yes, that is India Yahoo . . . look, you search under Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner dating and see what sites come up for you . . . .Jeez . . . ). Anyways, Wawasworld has exclusive footage of Ben Affleck debating the merits of J. Lo vs. Jennifer Garner. This is some very interesting footage, so enjoy:

(Cue Theme from Friends . . . . )

(Ben comes storming into the apartment. Kevin Smith and Matt Damon are there)

Ben: (sigh)

Kevin: What's wrong Ben? Man . . . you look down. Want a piece of my Meatball Hero? That always makes me feel better (cue laugh track)

Matt: Dude, what's wrong?

Ben: I don't know . . . I mean, I really love J.Lo, but now that Jennifer knows about my love of her after I saw her on Felicity, she know has feelings for me. I'm lost

Kevin: That's easy. Look at both of them at the same time and then say "How you doin'?" and whoever reacts to you quickest, that's the one!!! (cue laugh track)

(Matt looks at Kevin with disbelief)

Kevin: Wha? That always worked for me!

Matt: You're an idiot. How about you do a pro and con list for both J. Lo and Jennifer?

Ben: Oh my God! That's brilliant! (opens up desktop and starts typing) Ok, guys help me out here . . . let's start with J.Lo

Kevin: She gives new meaning to "Booty Call" (cue laugh track)? heh heh?

Ben: What is that?

Kevin and Matt (simultaneously): THAT'S A PRO!

Ben: Yeah, that's what I thought . . . how about as a con she's just a maid

Ben: Let's do a couple for Jennifer . . .

Kevin: She looks really good in leather

Matt: . . . Yeah, but she can be dumb as hell sometimes . . . .

(Jennifer Garner comes into the apartment . . . Ben closes his laptop)

Jennifer: Hey guys! What are you doing?

Matt: We're just . . . um . . . reading each other palm's (grabs Kevin's palm) (cue laugh track) Whoa . . . you're gonna strike out tonight, Kevin!!!!

Jennifer: Um . . . then why are you blocking Ben's laptop?

Ben: Oh honey, we're not blocking my laptop

(Jennifer does a sommersault, into a drop kick of Ben, while clotheslining Kevin, simultaneously tripping Matt)

Jennifer: Just a little something I learned on Alias . . . (starts reading the laptop) . . . "She can be a little DUMB sometimes??!?!!?" Is this a list about me and J.LO?????

Ben: It's not how it looks . . .

Jennifer: Oh, I know how it looks! I'm out of here . . . I'll come back when I'm smart enough for you!!!! (Runs out the door, while Phoebe Buffay comes through the door . . .)

Phoebe: Whoa . . . Where is she going?

Ben: Come back, Jen . . .

Phoebe: Yes . . . COME BACK, JEN!!!! BEN IS YOUR LOBSTER!!!!!!!

( . . . I'll be there for you . . . .like I've been there before . . . I'll be there for youuuuuuuuuuu)

Real Growing Pains

Wawasworld does not get pleasure from watching his former idols take a dive (Oh God, how I miss you Dana Plato). So with great regret, Wawasworld got an exclusive look at the night that Tracey Gold got arrested for drunk driving. This scene may disturb you, so you may want to look away:

(Cue Music: Show me that smile again . . . )

(Tracey is alone in a smoky bar)

Tracey: Hey Joe. . . get me another one!!!

(Her husband, Robby, enters the bar)

Robby: Oh not again, Tracey. You do this every time you hear that Joanna gets another lifetime movie deal. Come on now. You're a big star!

Tracey: Bleh . . . I'm a big star with my family. Whoooo hoooo! WHERE'S MY GODDAMN YUENGLING!!!!

Robby: Listen, the kids are in the car. We want to take you home.

Tracey: (sniff, sniff) Why are you with me Robby?

Robby: That's easy. You still get residual checks from Growing Pains

Tracey: You know, I used to be a big star. I used to get the big lifetime movies that Joanna gets. I can play the drunk mother who bounces back into the arms of her cop husband or the stalked woman who doesn't get mad, but gets even . . .

Robby: Yes, Dear . . . can we go now?

Tracey: . . . But instead, I'm doing work over at the Oxygen network. THE OXYGEN NETWORK! That's like a Third World Lifetime . .. .

Robby: Ok . . . that's enough for you . . . let's go. Kids are in the car. (Dangles Car Keys)

(Tracey Grabs Keys from Robby)

Tracey: OK, BUT I'M DRIVING!!!!

Robby: NOOOOOOOOO . . . Don't you remember Sandy from Season Six of Growing Pains . . . .

(Show me that Smile again . . . )