wawasworld

Lynyrd Skynyrd at the RNC

As you all know, the RNC is in NYC this week, and Wawasworld could not be more pleased. While the DNC rolled out such relevant pop luminaries as Ben Affleck and Black Eyed Peas, the RNC rolls out the bastions of classic southern fried rock: LYNYRD MOTHER-F'IN SKYNYRD! Whoooo hooooooo . . . sure, they haven't been relevant since Richard Nixon and the original lead singer hasn't been in the band (or alive) since 1973, but what does that matter? They can still bring it! Wawasworld got into the convention to see their performance of the classic Sweet Home Alabama Take a look:

(LIGHTERS FILL THE MSG AS THE AUDIENCE CHANTS "FREEBIRD")

Johnny Van Zandt: Nah, nah . . . not yet, kids. Don't worry. We only have like 4 or 5 songs you really know or like, so as my late pappy said to me before my first gig: "Give the people what they want". You'll hear it.

(Crowd chants "4 more years")

Johnny: Oh yeah, the Republicans are gonna give ya what you want. That's right. FOUR MORE YEARS! But, never forget, Lynyrd Skynyrd has given you 30 years of classic rock!!! Alright, Billy Bob, are you ready to kick it old school????

Billy Bob: I'm ready . . .

Johnny: But more importantly, Billy Bob, ARE THE PEOPLE READY?!?!!? (POINTS MICROPHONE AT THE AUDIENCE) Now, this next song is about a place I love as much as I love you the fans. It's a place I like to call "SWEET HOME ALABAMA" . . . but tonight, it's gonna be special . .. tonight on backing vocals, please welcome my good friend DICK CHANEY! (LOUD ROAR!!!!)

(Billy Bob Kicks in with the classic guitar riff)

Johnny: Big wheels keep on turnin', Carry me home to see my kin. Singin' songs about the south land.
I miss ol' 'Bamee once again and I think it's a sin, yes it is . . . Take the next verse, Dick . . .

Dick: Well, I heard Mister Kerry sing about her
Well, I heard old John put her down
Well, I hope John Kerry will remember
A southern man don't need JOHN KERRY AROUND ANYHOW!!!!!! (CROWD ROARS WITH APPROVAL)

Johnny and Dick together: Sweet home Alabama, where the skies are so blue, Sweet home Alabama, Lord, I'm coming home to you . . ..

CSI: Lancaster, PA.

Wawasworld was recently going through his Entertainment Weekly, and found out that CBS is launching a CSI: New York. Clearly, CBS is trying to set the record for "spinning off the same show with different characters from a cop show" that NBC has just set with the 8 million "Law and Order" spinoffs. With my burgeoning career as a TV writer, Wawasworld has put together a script for CBS to review for next years fall "CSI" schedule. As a reader of Wawasworld, you get a special first look. So. . . uh . . . take a look:

(Whoooooo are you, Who Who, Whoooooooo are you, Who Who . . .)

(Olaf stands above a dead horse, which lies next to a large black buggy. A black body bag lies next to the horse and carriage)

Thomas: What do you got, Olaf

Olaf: Yah, it looks like a hit and run. All evidence points to that.

Thomas: What do you think happened?

Olaf: Thomas, I believe (scene of angry driver waving fist at innocent Amish in a horse and buggy. Amish guy looks confounded) that the angry driver was peeved by the slow speed of the horse (angry driver runs horse and buggy off the road) and decided to take matters into his own hands.

(Thomas is leaning down next to the horse)

Thomas: I have a different idea of what happened to this horse and carriage. I believe they were targeted for murder by an angry Mercedes.

Olaf: Oh yah? Why do you say that Thomas?

Thomas: Because I found this Mercedes hood ornament right next to the horse.

Olaf: yah, yah . . . I see now.

Thomas: The moderners think they can push us around. Little do they know we now have the technology to find the culprits of this crime.

Olaf: Do yah mean electricity?

Thomas: Exactly . . .now let's head back to the farm and churn some butter . . .

(Who are you . .. who . . . . whoo . . . . whoooooo)

Company Picnic

In Wawasworld yesterday, I attended the Company Picnic. One of my favorite episode of the "Wonder Years" was when Kevin goes to his father's Company Picnic, and while they are playing softball, Kevin hits a line drive that knocks his father over and injures him. Kevin learns a lesson from this . . . um . . . I can't remember the lesson, but I do remember that the Company Picnic sure looked like fun!!!! Alas, my romantic visions of the company picnic are false. Don't get me wrong, I kind of enjoy them. Free food and a day off. What's not to love? Well, I've compiled some notes from not one, BUT TWO, company picnics I have attended:

1) Keep your shirt on: At all of these functions, you always have some sort of physical activity to choose from: volleyball, tennis, kickball etc. For some odd reason, some of the men have decided that it's ok to perform these sports without their shirts on. Unless you look like Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer in Top Gun (um .. .here come the sexualty jokes again), it's not ok. My God . . . I haven't seen this many folds since I took an origami class in summer school. Thankfully, this only happened last year and not this year. If it's not ok for the girls to take of their shirts, it's not ok for the guys. Thanks.

2) Company Picnics are not much unlike a jr. high school dance: My company has like 4 branches, and basically we all separate into different clique groups. Wawasworld, of course, is more adventurous. I choose to sit with the Southern branch (well, as southern as NJ gets from NY) of our organization. Isn't the company picnic about camrarderie and understanding alll the different branches? Eh . . . I'll be honest . . . I'm sick of looking at the same eye candy in my office and probably ruined the good name of the NY branch.

3) Remember to Smile . . . : There is a whole sea of people in my office that I never speak to for any reason. And yet, at the company picnic, I have to fake a smile and pretend we're friends. Who knew burnt burgers and rubber chicken could bring an office together? YAY! I'll let you in on a little secret: ONCE WE GET BACK TO THE OFFICE, I'M GOING TO BE AS MISERABLE AS EVER! I hope you enjoyed our time as "friends".

And well, that's about it. Now that I think about it .. .I really miss the Wonder Years.

Mid to Late 20's Goldmine

Recently, I was having a discussion with my buddy about his upcoming 10th High School Reunion. Here is a sample of that IM:

ssfegley1: god stupid reunion weekend
ssfegley1: friday we have a bar party at some terrible bar in niagara county
ssfegley1: saturday, formal dinner
ssfegley1: i'd rather watch paint dry
ssfegley1: i better hookup

And that got Wawasworld thinking: What is the Mid 20's Goldmine for Single men and Single women for scoring meaningless one night sex. . . guilt free . . . no strings attached. If you ever read the Sports Guy, he brought up how Weddings was the best place. I'll expand on that, and give you Wawasworld's "Mid to Late 20's Goldmine of Unawkward and Meaningless One Night Stands" (Oh, and btw-I HAVE NEVER SCORED AT ANY OF THESE PLACES . . . sigh . . . wawasworld is truly a prison):

1. Weddings: The Sports Guy put it best on why you should never bring a date to a wedding: "For one thing, you can't meet anyone else if you already have a date, and weddings are an absolute hookup gold mine in your 20s (so why remove that option for yourself?)." This is an easy one. Everyone is at there absolute best. You're all wearing fancy clothing, girls makeup is done, and Christ, romance is in the air!!! (Wow, that's a pretty gay thing for me to say). Oh yeah . . . the booze is free. Jesus, if you're going to drop $100-$200 on a wedding gift, another $300 for a room, and you have to be on your best behavior . .. . you better get some going away present to remember the whole thing.

2. Any Sort of School Reunion: I think this is why my buddy Shawn said he better hookup. Think about it: Who wouldn't want to relive those halcyon (did I spell that right?) of cutting classes, hooking up with cheerleaders/football players, smoking pot and keg parties? (or in my case, sitting at home on a Saturday night watching reruns of Golden Girls . . . I blame my parents, but I digress). And what better way of channeling the past then the good old reunion party? Sure, you're 50 lbs. heavier or those 2 kids and a divorce have weathered you more then a snowstorm in Minnesota. That doesn't matter. You're a link to the past . . . and believe you me, someone is gonna want to connect to that past.

3. Children's Birthday Party: Shawn actually suggested this one to me (and really, I need more then 2 on this list). I thought about it, and I see his point. What better way to a woman's heart in her late 20's then being a single male guy at a buddy's child birthday? Don't get me wrong, you were probably forced there, but still . . . you should get some points for showing up. You see the mother's best friend, who's single, and you say some easy stuff like: "Oh, I love kids . . " or "Man, I wish I had one of my own to take care of . . ." Well, in the movies that sensitive stuff always worked.

4. The Going Away Party: Your buddy is moving to another town, so he's having a going away party, and alot of people are there. This is easy: You meet some girl there, you both have that one guy in common, you hook up, etc. Also, the side advantage to this one is the fact that your friend is leaving, so he can never tell anyone in your location what a shit person you really are. And finally . . .

5. . . . Closing time at a bar: Pretty much self explanatory.

And that's my list. I realize all of this stuff is pretty obvious, but how often is such obvious stuff organized in an easy to use manner like this? Um . . . try never. Be grateful Wawasworld is here for you!!!!

Spies Like Phish

Thank God! It's finally over . . . the reign of Phish as America's preeminent jam band is finally over. With the Grateful Dead gone and now Phish, jobless American's and hippie college kids will now have to turn there eyes elsewhere. What's most interesting about this last week's concerts was the fact that thousands of Phish fans were turned away from the festivities. Wawasworld sent his favorite spies, Emmitt Fitz-Hume and Austin Millbarge of the Classic film Spies Like Us, to give us a report from this faux hippie fest. Alas, they too were turned away. Take a look:

(Austin and Emmitt are dressed in there white fur suits while stuck in traffic)

Austin: Hi, Officer! What's the problem here? How come we can't get into the Phish show?

Officer: Sorry, sirs, we gotta send you back. The mud is proving too much for us to handle. You'll get a full refund for the show.

Austin: Officer, you don't seem to understand. We're on an important government mission to research the effects of "Jam" music on the counter-culture of America . . .

Emmitt: Who's the lovely lady officer with you, sir? (Lady officer blushes)

Austin: Not now, Emmitt. Anyway . . . let's just say you'll be interfering with official government business if you don't let us in.

Officer: Can't do it. I'm sorry. It's just to dangerous for us to send you up there. Mud and the 1,000's of Drug Addled citizens . . .too much.

Emmitt: Well, now it's become imperative that we get up there.

Officer (to Austin): Listen, if you don't get your friend under control over there, I'm going to start cutting off fingers one by one!!!

Emmitt: Mine or Yours?

Austin: Well, then, if that's the case, then I guess we'll be on our way . . . . one thing, officer . . .

Officer: What's that?

Austin: Well, I was going to get you the Disney Channel . . .FOR FREE . . . but now you can forget about it!!!!

Six Feet McGreevy

As you all know by now, Governor James McGreevy resigned yesterday. Now that he has some free time on his hands, what is a gay former governor to do? That's easy . . . visit the Fisher family of Six Feet Under! Wawasworld got a special behind the scenes look of this very special episode. Being that this is Six Feet Under, you know absolutely nothing goes on in this episode:

(In the Fisher Kitchen)

Governor McGreevy: Thanks for letting me stay here Ruth. I really needed to get out of Jersey until this blows over.

Ruth: Oh James, nonesense. You can stay as long as you want. But I'm confused: Why are you visiting us?

Governor McGreevy: It's all over the news. I'm as gay as the day is long, Ruth. I had an affair with a man.

Ruth (slaps James on the arm): You nasty, nasty man . . . how could you do that to your wife!

Governor McGreevy: Ow, ow . . . .I'm sorry. I just need to stay here for a bit. Please! These last few days have been hell.

Ruth: Oh alright . . . but I'm not pleased. You men are all the same!

(David, Nate, Brenda, and Claire walk into the room)

Claire: Who's this guy?

Ruth: This is Governor James McGreevy. He's going to stay with us for a little bit until he can get his life straightened out.

Claire: First it was that weirdo Arthur, and now this guy? Whatever . . . (shakes head in disgust) . . . I gotta go . . .

Nate: So Governor McGreevy, what's going on?

Governor McGreevy: Well, I'm having some problems at home. Nothing that a few weeks away can't handle.

David: Well, if he wants . . . he can stay in my room. I mean, I am at Keith's right now. But, I'll be around, just to check on things ya know . . .

(Everyone looks at David suspiciously)

David: Well, I'm just saying . . . God .. .

(Governor McGreevy opens a can of coke . . . David starts having flashbacks)

David: Oh . . . my . . . I feel . . .dizzy . . . I've gotta go . . .

(Ruth and Nate look at each other as David runs out of the house)

Ruth: I have some pills that'll help you, David!!!!!

(Nate shakes head in disgust and leaves room, leaving McGreevy at the table alone)

(Cue Radiohead)

What's In A Name?

Just this weekend, I found out that a pair of wawasworld's friends were having a baby. Wawasworld loves these guys to death, so congratulations to them. But this got wawasworld thinking: What do you actually name a child? You'd think it wasn't a big deal, but it reminds me of an episode of WKRP in Cincinatti that I remember from my childhood. Let me set the scene: Jennifer (Loni Anderson) introduces her new boyfriend to Les Nessman (Richard Sanders):

Random Boyfriend: . . . I think a name says alot about a person. A person's strength, what their all about. That's why I love my name: Bret. It means something. It says who I am. What's your name?

Les: Um . . . Les . . .

(awkward silence)

EXACTLY! That whole interaction says it all. I mean, Christ, that show defined what names represent: Herb, Les, Johnny Fever . . .uh . . . .Gordon Jump . . . but I digress. Anyways, yes, a name does say alot about a person. So as a gift to my friends, I've come up with a list of names to try and especially avoid:

1) Warren: Does Wawa sound like the most masculine nickname in the english language? Exactly

2) Destiny, Brandee, Nomi: Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . what the hell is Nomi? Nomi is the name of Elizabeth Berkeley's character in Showgirls Not to mention, it's a stupid name to begin with (sorry if I've offended all my readers named Nomi). But what about Destiny and Brandee? What's wrong with those names, Wawasworld? Well, those are both stripper names, along with Nomi. Tell you what, here's a test for you to take: Say the phrase "Now dancing centerstage (INSERT NAME THAT YOU HAVE IN MIND AND SAY IT LOUD!)" and if the name sounds like it fits too well with that phrase, dump it. It's no good.

3) Apple: Generally, fruit should just be avoided. I'm not sure what Gwyneth and Chris Martin were thinking. Let me get this straight: You wanted to name your child after a fruit, BUT NOT EVEN A SWEET FRUIT!!?!? What about Cherry or Strawberry? Oh . .. those names fit way to well with the term "Now dancing centerstage . . . "

4) Jarvis or Jeeves: I'd rather give my child a stripper name then these names. At least strippers don't have to answer to a bell when it's tea time. Have you ever seen a butler on TV or in the movies not named Jarvis or Jeeves? Oh wait . . . yes you have . . .

5) . . . Benson: But he eventually became the deputy mayor, so that name gets a free pass! Then again, a butler becoming deputy mayor? Riiiiiiight. God, I love how TV makes the stereotypes, yet breaks them all at the same time!

So as a gift to my friends, those are my 5 suggestions. Don't spend my gift all in one place, you crazy kids!

Hugh Grant: A little to the left, A little to the right . . .

. . . and maybe our favorite leading British actor would have become a porn star. If it could happen to Wawasworld favorite Cameron Diaz, who says that Hugh Grant's ride over from the QE2 couldn't have made a wrong turn into the San Fernando Valley and not the gold laden streets of Hollywood (thanks to Lasagnafarm for the San Fernando joke . . . still makes me smile). Let's take a look at Hugh Grant's current career as we know it . . . and what it would have looked like if he had made that wrong turn:

Hugh 1989: Gets his start in the acting business and is known as Hughie Grant

Porno Hugh 1989: Gets his start in the Porno business and is known as Huge Grant

Hugh 1990: Stars in a USA film called "The Big Man"

Porno Huge 1990: Stars in a Vivid film called "The Really Big Man"

Hugh 1994: Starts getting critical notice for his work in "Sirens", where a naked Elle Mcpherson makes her screen debut

Porno Huge 1994: Starts getting critical notice for his work in "Sirens", where a naked Elaine Mcpherson makes her screen debut

Hugh 1994: Has official U.S. breakout film "Four Weddings and a Funeral"

Porno Huge 1994: Has official Hungarian breakout film with "Four Whores and a Funeral"

Hugh 1999: On the set of "Mickey Blue Eyes" James Caan gives Hugh the nickname "Whippy" (Yes, this is on IMDB)

Porno Huge 1999: On the set of "Mickey Blue Balls" Peter North gives Huge the nickname "Whippy"

Hugh 2002: After a string of commercial and critical dissapointments, Hugh bounces back with "About A Boy" Critics hail it as his best work since "Four Weddings and A Funeral"

Porno Huge 2002 After a string of commercial and critical dissapointments, Huge bounces back with "About A Girl" Critics hail it as his best work since "Divine Brown"

Update

Sorry for no posts last week. I was at a conference pushing Online Music and Online Advertising .. . felt like 1999 . . well, without the booze . . . or the hookers . . . or the drugs. Ok, I never had any of those 3 things, but man, what a good year 1999 was anyways!! So Here's a Quick Update of what's going on:

1) The Cure: Saw the Cure on Saturday night. It's a weird phenomenon going on with them. Everyone has painted them into this deppressing, black wearing makeup band, but I saw as many meathead frat boys singing as I did goth kids. I can't think of anything more disconcerting then Macho Meatheads singing the words: "You, soft and only, you, lost and lonely, you . . . Just Like Heaven!" Oh wait . . . that was me. Nevermind. God I love that song.

2) I saw The Village: Um . . .crap. I wonder about M. Night Shamayhalahnahnnan. I was reading this review, and they said because of his past history, it's hard to enjoy his movies, because you're just looking for clues and the big twist. I don't know . . . I was just looking for a good movie and found the wrong theater. Maybe M. Night has painted himself into a corner with his big twists and surprises. Or maybe M. Night could surprise us all by making a good movie again.

3) Aaron Carter breaks up with Paris Hilton: Hmmmm . . . what do you get when you take a 3rd rate Cameron Diaz and a 3rd rate Justin Timberlake and mix them altogether? EXPLOSIVES! Suppossedly, Aaron hit Paris. Jesus, Paris, have you seen some of the Backstreet Boy videos? Are you telling me that you couldn't take Aaron out back and kick his ass? To be honest, I would feel more threatened by Warren Beatty in Bulworth.

And that's all for now. God, how did I not write about Jake and Kiki? Bah . . . that can wait for another post . . .