wawasworld

Does Anyone Care?

Let's be honest: Do we really care about Lance Armstrong? Here at Wawasworld we can acknowledge his greatness for beating cancer and deciding to fight on his courageous battle to ride up a hill with a bike. Granted, it's a really big hill, and lord knows I couldn't (and wouldn't) do it, but really what's so courageous or interesting about this stupid event or Lance Armstrong? I mean, IT'S BIKE RIDING! It's just so lame. Keep trucking, Lance, just don't expect Wawasworld to be watching.

All of this anger got Wawasworld thinking: Christ, there are alot of sports that I do not care about. Here's a Wawasworld look at sports and events that get way too much press, but probably matter very little:

1) Tour De France: Big Hill, Lots of Bike Riding, good for you. And ya know what? Most sports give you something cool like a championship belt when you win or you're the champ. Not the Tour De France. You get a $25 Yellow Jersey. You think Hulk Hogan would have settled for a goddamn Yellow Jersey after beating the Iron Sheik in 1984 for the WWF Title? Exactly. The Yellow Jersey may constitute the lamest thing in the history of sports.

2) Any sort of Racing Event Involving Cars: I think this feeds into why the South gets a rap for being . . .um . . . slower then the general population. They've made Nascar the fastest growing sport in the United States. I mean, does anyone know of a northerner (A Yankee to you, son) or someone from the west or midwest who watches this? It's cars going in circles. Ok, um . . . what's the allure? Maybe they should put a ball on top of the car, while the cars bang into each other, trying to dislodge the ball? I like that.

3) Any Tennis Match not involving Kournikova or Sharapova: Do you know what Tennis is? It's Pong, the old Atari game. When I watch Tennis, the only thing I hear is "Blip . .. BLIP . . . Blip . .. " And I don't want to break your heart, but Pong sucked. Back and Forth, Back and Forth . . . Ball behind me . . . You win . . . Yup . . . Pong.

4) Just the Olympics in General: Recently Wawasworld heard that people are petitioning to have Poker be made into an olympic sport? Jesus . . . Can you picture Randy Quaid's character from Kingpin walking into a Poker hall in the Olympics:

"To be in the company of such great atheletes . . . (Picture of Tomer Benvenisitti taking down a Subway Hoagie)"

And seriously, why shouldn't Poker be an Olympic sport? We have Ballroom Dancing, Ping Pong (which may be even more pong like then Tennis, but I'm asian, so I have no choice but to love Ping Pong), and well, Tennis

5) The ESPN Outdoors Game: Ok, I do kind of like this one. Watch 300 lb. east german women trying to cut down trees against each other does have a certain allure. You should also watch them log against each other (It's hard to explain, but just try and catch this one event). I had to put this in somewhere, even if it is a blog about not caring about certain sports.

Full Alias

A couple of days ago, Wawasworld was thrown into a deep rage by the fact that his buddy claimed that Jennifer Garner was once on Full House as a friend of DJ Tanner. Wawasworld prides itself on knowing that Jennifer Garner was never on this show, and in this context, I told him that no way that goddess appears on that crap show. Eventually, he relented and admitted that I was probably right (I won't go into details, but Jen is 6 years older then Candace Cameron, or DJ Tanner, if you will, so no way could they play friends).

That being said, what would happen if Jennifer Garner did appear on Full House? Wawasworld went into his What if Machine (Which Consists of a big cardboard box that used to house a Refrigerator) and took a look at what would happen if Sydney Bristow was on Full House:

(DJ, Stefanie and Michelle are in the kitchen, when Danny comes through the door with Sydney (Jen Garner)

Danny (Bob Saget): DJ, Stefanie and Michelle . . . I'd like you to meet your new babysitter Sydney Bristow. She'll be watching you while I'm away.

DJ: But Dad, I thought I was old enough to watch all of us?

Danny: Yes, but that was before I realized your still friends with Kimmy Gibler (Laugh Track) How responsible could you be?

DJ: DAD!

Sydney: Don't worry, DJ, we're going to be fast friends. We'll eat popcorn, sit around in our PJ's and talk about boys. Sound like fun?

Stefanie: Maybe you can talk about Danny Evans from down the street

DJ: How do you know about Danny Evans?

Stefanie: I read your diary (Laugh Track)

DJ: I HATE YOU ALL! (Goes running out of the room)

Danny: Don't worry, Sydney, girls are like that. Stefanie, go upstairs and apologize to your sister. Take Michelle with you.

(Uncle Jesse, Becky and Joey come through the door)

Joey: Oh, Jesse, Cut it out!

Jesse (Sees Sydney): Have Mercy . . .

(Becky Slaps Jesse in the chest and grabs him by the hair as he pulls him out of the room as Joey follows them)

Jesse: Nooooot the hair!!! (Laugh track)

Sydney: So Danny, now that we're alone, I just had a few questions to ask you about (Pulls dress off to reveal tight leather outfit, while pushing Danny aside, and grabs a steak knife, throwing Danny's arm around his back, while still holding the Knife to his throat) TELL ME WHERE SD-6 IS NOW! I WANT ANSWERS!!!!

Danny: What? The only SD anything I know is San Diego . . .(Laugh Track)

Sydney: I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL SLIT YOU LIKE A PIG IF YOU'RE LYING!

(DJ Comes down the stairs)

DJ: What are you doing to my Dad?

(Sydney pushes Danny into DJ)

Sydney: Don't think we're finished here . . . (Backflips out the door)

DJ: Are you ok Dad?

Danny (Grabs DJ by the shoulders): DJ, we learned a very valuable lesson today about background checks on the help and making sure they are safe and that they are people we want to be with. I hope you learned your lesson.

DJ: Yeah, and I also learned never to leave steak knives on the counter! (Laugh Track)

"Everywhere you look, there's a place . . . where somebody needs you . . . "

Cameron Diaz: A little to the left, a little to the right . . .

. . . and God only knows what would have happened to our favorite blond starlet (Yeah, this means you too, Gwyneth!). My friend sent me this link on how Cameron Diaz starred in a sex tape before she became a big star. I've confirmed from a number of sources (alright, one) who has seen the tape, and they say it's nothing to write home about. It's grainy and unclear, and the action is a little tame (I.E.-Nothing like the Hilton tape). No biggie they (he) says. But this got Wawasworld thinking: What if Cameron Diaz continued on this path of salicious movie-making? Would she still be a big star? Let's compare the career timelines of The Cameron we know and the Cameron of the porn world if she would have stayed (strayed?) on that path:

Cameron 1994: Gets her big break in "The Mask"

Porno Cameron 1994: Gets her big break wearing a leather mask

Cameron 1996: Stars in the Keanu Reeves Classic "Feeling Minnesota"

Porno Cameron 1996: Stars in the Kevin Reeves Classic "Feeling Cameron's Minnesota" (hehehe . . . makes no sense, but it sounds funny)

Cameron 1997: Starts getting papparazzi coverage for dating Matt Dillon

Porno Cameron 1997: Gets absolutely no coverage for dating Kevin Dillon, Matt's brother and star of HBO's new hit series "Entourage"

Cameron 1998: Gets another HUGE break for starring in "Something about Mary" where she gets famous for putting semen in her hair.

Porno Cameron 1998: Gets another HUGE break for starring in "Someguy inside Mary" where she gets famous for putting semen in her hair

Cameron 2002: Starts getting academy consideration for her work in "Gangs of New York"

Porno Cameron 2002: Starts getting AVN (adult video network) consideration in her work in "Gangbang of New York"

Cameron 2003: Critially panned "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle", also starring Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu, represents first career folly in years for Cameron, where critics find her work "unbearable" and "tedious"

Porno Cameron 2003: Critically panned "Jeremy's Angels: Full Throttled", also starring Drew Cherrynomore and Lucy Loose, represents first career folly in years for Cameron, where critics find her work "unbearable" and "tedious"

Wawasworld: Some Kind of Monster

Last night, Wawasworld saw the documentary Metallica: Some Kind of Monster. Basically, the film is about Metallica making their latest album St. Anger, and how it's such a pain in the ass to make, that they have to bring in a therapist to deal with all the crap surrounding them. Even if you're not a fan of the band, you can certainly enjoy the surreal nature of the world's biggest rock band going into therapy and dealing with their inner demons.

After seeing this movie, it got me to thinking: What if I brought in a therapist to deal with my alter ego, Warren, and me, Wawasworld? I mean, as you can tell, with the lack of posts, I've had some writer's block. Maybe I'm dealing with the inner demons of being Warren and Wawasworld? Hmmm . . . .

So at the going rate of 40k a month, just like Metallica, I hired Phil Towle (The therapist in the film) to sit down with me, Wawasworld, and me, Warren. (And no, they really hired a therapist for 40k a month. Crazy, huh? God, I love rockstars). Here's a look at our first session:

Phil: So let's get started. Warren, what's on your mind today?

Warren: Um . . . Did you see last night's allstar game? Jesus, what a game . . .

Wawasworld: This is his problem. He can't focus!!! We hired you, Phil, to help us get over this writer's block . . . instead, Warren wants to talk about a baseball game.

Warren: See, See! This is what I told you Phil!!! Wawasworld is a controlling bastard. Do this, Don't do that . . . Wawasworld, can't you read the signs? God, I love that song.

Phil: Focus, Warren . . .

Warren: Right . . . sorry, I lost track just then. Ok, you wanna know how I feel? Wawasworld is always yelling at me to write and be creative. Like I'm an artiste or something. I'm just a simple guy who likes his fanta soda and his Spiderman comic books. No time to be creative. Time to relax. Kick back . . .

Wawasworld: You mean be lazy and fat. Maybe if you pushed yourself away from the dinner table and to the desktop. . .

Warren: Why are you always yelling at me?

Phil: This is healthy. We're getting it all out on the table. Warren, do you want to give me examples about how controlling Wawasworld is?

Warren: Sure. Just last week, I wanted to write about Britney Spears . . . but nooooo . . . he wants to do a piece on Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. The fighting got so violent that I had to shelve the story for this week. Doesn't he know the queen B moves more blogs then Mary-Kate and Ashley? And of course, he won, we wrote the Mary-Kate and Ashley story.

Wawasworld: Uh . . . Warren, we don't sell anything

Warren: Damn you. Always rubbing that in my face.

Phil: Well, actually, Wawasworld is right . . .you really don't sell anything

Warren: Who's therapist are you anyways? Mine or his????

Phil: Technically. . . both

Warren: Oh, look at you 2, ganging up on me . .. Ya know what, Wawasworld, take your therapist and go f yourself. Warren, out!!!

Wawasworld: I told you he was a wuss . . .

Phil: I think that was a healthy session. Let's meet again tommorrow.

Spilled Milk

Recently Mary-Kate and Ashley got removed from the famous Got Milk? campaign. While Wawasworld is not surprised by this turn of events, we wanted to get reaction from the twins. Alas, they are not speaking to large asian guys who are kind of creepy. Oh well. Instead, Wawasworld snuck behind the scenes to see how Mary-Kate and Ashley are handling the fiasco:

Ashley: Ugh . . . you're messing up a good thing for us again. We coulda had that three way with John Stamos, but nooooo .. . you're not freaky. We coulda had the part in Zoolander 2 . . . but noooo . . . you wanted to go to school. And now you've cost us the milk ad . . . good job, Mary Kate (applauds her).

Mary-Kate: This isn't my fault

Ashley: Funny. . . I could have sworn the idea to go into rehab to give you that Courtney Love edge that you so desperately wanted was your idea. Well, if you really want to be Courtney, we could give you that . . . ahem . . . gynelogical problem she's been having. Oh wait . .. who could forget Sagetgate '97? You've already had that problem.

Mary-Kate: F you, Ashley . . . Damn publicist. . . first I say give me a coke problem, but she screws it all up and has me have an eating disorder. . . . (snorts a big line of coke). . . and then she flip flops and gives me a coke problem . . . Thank God I have neither problem. All for the publicity (Takes another big snort). . . Yup, keep telling yourself that Mary-Kate . .. it's all all right . . . it's all all right . ..

Ashley: Look at you. Christ, wipe your nose . .. Now you look like you'd be perfect for the got milk? ad. You make me sick

Mary-Kate: Why can't you consider my feelings?

Ashley: Why can't you have a sandwich?

Mary-Kate: Damn you, Ashley!!!! Coulier always called you a bitch!!!!!

5 Great Moments in Ignorance

Nothing makes Wawasworld laugh like good old fashioned ignorance. I'll give you a quick example from my past:

Kevin: So, Wawasworld, what's your real name?

Wawasworld: Um . . . Wawasworld? Why?

Kevin: No, no . . . I mean, don't you have an asian name or something????

Pat: You're an idiot, Kevin

That's a perfect example of a person trying to make conversation (i.e.-odd observation) and turning it into something ignorant. So here is Wawasworld's Top 5 examples of GREAT MOMENTS IN IGNORANCE:

1) Jesse "The Body" Ventura reffering to Tito Santana at any wrestling taping as "Chico": Actually, a buddy brought this up to me last night when we were talking about "They Live" and "No Holds Barred" (Don't ask . . .both movies starring wrestlers), and he reffered back to when Jesse used to call Tito Santana's matches and call him Chico. Being that this was 1987, I was probably finding this very funny ("Hey Mom, he called him Chico . . . again!!! Chico, Chico, Chico . . . ). In the light of 2004, just kind of ignorant . . . good for you, Jesse: Being ignorant AND still able to win election in Minnesota! ("Chico, Chico, Chico . . . )

2) IMDB reffering to the affectionate nickname of Pat Morita as the Hip Nip: No, I am tottally not kidding about this. IMDB really think that's classy. I love IMDB, but seriously, couldn't they do better? Like the "Happy Jap" or "Oodles of Noodles"?

3) Wawasworld's above example of ignorance: That story really did happen. I swear!! BTW-My asian name is really "Wawaabanaba"

4) The Time when I reffered to my Asian buddy who's Asian name was really "He-man" as "Semen": We called him Herman (not much better if you ask me, but whatever), then found out that his real name was He-man, so we all decided to get cruel and call him semen going forward. It wasn't my idea (I'm not so witty), but the idea of others. I just joined in. Damn Groupthink. Actually, is that really racist? I mean his name did rhyme with semen. That's not ignorant. That's just funny. Could it be both?

5) The Time that Fuzzy Zoeller was trying to make a funny about Tiger Woods winning a tournament and saying "He's going to celebrate with some fried chicken and collared greens": What's the big deal? Black, asian people can't enjoy Fried Chicken and Collared Greens? What he should have said was: "He's going to celebrate with some Fried Chicken and Powk Fwy Wice" If you're gonna be racist, you better do it right!

And that's Wawasworld's 5 Great Moments in Ignorance