wawasworld

Hi, I'm a Failed TV Star

Wawasworld last night invaded the Garden to watch the Knicks and Nets square off in game 3 of the NBA playoffs. As I sat down to enjoy the game, lo and behold, look who's sitting behind me: Dylan McDermott, former star of the Practice! This was the big time for Wawasworld. For the first time in my life I could say something to the waiter who was taking orders from me at the Garden: "I'm not paying for that burger. Do you know who I am? I'm the guy sitting in front of Dylan Mcdermott!!!!" Yup, I'm a superstar.

But this got Wawasworld thinking: What do TV stars do after they have left there warm nests of TV fame and comfort? Therapy, of course. Wawasworld did a special exclusive investigation, disguising himself as a Huggy bear stand in from Starsky and Hutch, to take a look and listen in to a special group therapy session of former TV stars. Take a look:

Therapist: Good evening. How are we all today?

Failed TV Stars as a group: Good!

Therapist: So let's get started. We have a special guest star today. Mark would you like to introduce yourself?

Mark Linn-Baker: Oh, I'm not so special . . .

Therapist: You're special to us, Mark . . .

Mark Linn-Baker: (blushing) Thanks. Hi, my name is Mark Linn-Baker and I was on Perfect Strangers on ABC.

Therapist: Let's give Mark a big welcome.

Therapy Group: HI MARK!

Therapist: So Mark, tell us a little bit about yourself

Mark: Well, I was on Perfect Strangers for about 6 years. Paired up with Family Matters, we comprised the powerhouse TGIF lineup on ABC in the 80's. BTW-It's good to see you Jaleel . . .

Jaleel White (Urkel): Good to see ya, Mark

Mark: Anyways, it's been a rough ride since the show went off the air. For a while, I was doing some Perfect Strangers conventions over on route 87 with Bronson Pinchot, and that paid the bills for a while. And then all the work dried up (snaps fingers) Just like that! Now I'm doing Dinner Theatre in Poughkepsie

Corbin Bernsen: You don't know what hell is, Mark. Work dinner theater in Florida. You know how hard it is to concentrate when an 80 year old couple can't chew through grade D beef because of there dentures???? Do you??? Til then, you can't talk.

Therapist: Corbin . . . Again, please wait your turn!

Corbin Bernsen: (sigh)

Mark Linn-Baker: Anyway, I don't know . . . This fame thing is so weird. First, you're signing autographs for 10 year old kids who know you from the show and the women come up to you saying things like: "Cousin Larry, let's do the dance of joy" and then nothing. I feel so . .. so .. . (tearing up) .. . empty.

(Harry Hamlin stands up and puts Mark Linn-Bakers head on his shoulder and a hug)

Harry Hamlin: It's ok, It's ok . . . let it all out . . .

Cobain's Creek

News has leaked out that the WB will be producing a biopic on the life and times of Kurt Cobain. Rumors have circulated that James Van Der Beek and Katie Holmes have already started shooting scenes for the movie. Wawasworld is here to confirm those rumors, and take you behind the scenes. It's an exclusive Wawasworld first look:

(Cue music to Paula Cole's "I don't want to wait")

Kurt: Oh, Courtney, will our lives ever be as idyllic as this ever again?

Courtney: Bleeeeeeeh . . . you just keep me around for the sex and drugs. You think I don't know what's going on, Kurt????

Kurt: Courtney, I don't know what you mean?

Courtney: Oh I heard you were over at the soda shop with that bitch from Bikini Kill. You don't think that would get back to me. You don't think I'm a delicate flower????

Kurt: Goddammit, Courtney, we were on a break!!!! Nothing happened.

Courtney: Krist told me everything! You were holding hands and sipping from the same cup. I bet it was creme soda, too. Creme Soda was our special drink!!!

Kurt: Ok, we were holding hands, but it wasn't creme soda. You know I wouldn't do that to you. Do you remember the tree by the creek? Remember how we carved in "Kurt and Courtney: Forever"? I still mean it.

Courtney: If you were any gentleman, you would have carved in "Courtney and Kurt: Forever" Asshole. I'm so out of here . . . (Gets up and runs away) . . .

Kurt: But Courtney . . . (Forlorned) . .. I should have told her I loved her. (Head stares down)

This very special episode of Cobain's Creek had music by:

The Stills
Soundgarden
and Lisa Loeb

What Really Happened on "The Apprentice"?

With the recent success of "The Apprentice", there is alot of bs conspiracy theories going around about what really happened behind the scenes. Was there a romance? Did Ereca use the dreaded n-word? How much editing actually did take place? Wawasworld is here to expose the truth: I actually won the competition and they edited out my entire participation in the show. Here is the unedited final boardroom scene where I found out that I had won. Take a look:

The Donald: Well, here we are, after 12 grueling weeks, Wawa. How do you feel you've fared against Kwame and Bill?

Wawa: I've done everything you asked. I shined your shoes. I took out Grandma Trump for "entertainment" Hell, I even took all of Amorosa's crap, when she called me Extra chunky. I think I've been pretty damn great.

The Donald: Here in the boardroom, we are tough competitors, and we admire your tactics and hard work. You are smart and dedicated.

Wawa: Oh stop! Dawww . . . you don't have to say that Boss Trump.

The Donald: No, no. We mean it. And as a result the board members have decided that: "YOU'RE HIRED!!!"

Wawa: You mean I won??? This is great!

The Donald: Well, you won, but really you're hired to head up one of my organizations.

Wawa: Hold on a second. I don't just get the money? You mean I was competing with other people for a JOB?

The Donald: What do you think you were doing here for 12 weeks?

Wawa: I thought this was a competition for 250K???

The Donald: Well, a year, if you do the job right

Wawa: So let me get this straight: I run around this city like an idiot, doing stupid party tricks in your bankrupt hotel, coming up with promotions that "Average Joe" wouldn't buy, and for this, I get to work harder for you???

The Donald: Correct. Can you start Monday?

Wawa: Can I just have the 250k and the car without working?

The Donald: No

Wawa: Christ, this sucks. I should have accepted the offer for Fear Factor. At least I get to see women swim around in mud for their prize. This is no reality tv show at all. I'm out. Hopefully that KFC promotion pans out.

The Donald: (sigh) Bring in Bill

The Olsen Twins: The Empire Strikes Back

With the recent news that that the Olsen Twins . . . er. . .Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen no longer want to be reffered to as the Olsen Twins, Wawasworld went into the homes of our favorite twins to see the real reasoning behind this drastic change in Marketing and Branding. Take a look:

(Cue Menacing music from Star Wars to indicate the arrival of Mary-Kate and Ashley to the death star . . . I mean, their board room)

Mary-Kate: We have called this meeting to see how we are faring in our war against the rebel forces.

(Breathing hard under a black Vader Mask) Ashley: Yes, it is imperative that we strike them down before they gain any more power

Board room member one: We have pleasant news to report in our struggle. First, you have your latest movie, New York Minute coming up and your clothing line is selling better then ever.

Mary-Kate: And?

Board room member one: Well, do you need more then that? I mean, your popularity couldn't be any higher!!! Hell, even Wawasworld draws traffic from you!

Mary-Kate: Never underestimate the rebel army. I do not like your tone. You speak insolently . . .

Ashley: . . .and that will not be tolerated

Board room member one: Listen, your ancient witch craft of teendom and twindom is all hooey, and I'm not going to be intimidated by your so called "Force".

(Ashley and Mary-Kate shake head in disapproval)

(Board Room Member one's eyes widen. Starts choking and can't breathe)

Ashley: Obviously the force does exist over you . . .

Board Room Member one: Can't . . . breathe . ..

Mary-Kate: Release him, Ashley.

(Man grabs neck and starts breathing again. Order is maintained).

Ashley: Now, are there any other suggestions for defeating the rebel forces?

Board Room Member Two: Um . . . you can rebrand yourselves as just "Mary-Kate and Ashley" and no longer be called the Olsen twins. With Mary-Kate coloring her hair red, along with the rebranding, that should do it. Divide and conquer? (Board Room Member Two Turns away to avoid being slapped).

Mary-Kate: Interesting. As one single entity, we are not as powerful as two all consuming entities. The Rebel forces will be easily defeated that way.

Ashley: The Fall of the Hilton Sisters will begin now!!! VICTORY WILL BE OURS!!!!

The Beauty and the B-Lister

With the latest news that Rebecca Romjin-Stamos and John Stamos have separated Wawasworld has decided to take an in-depth look at the repercussions on society now that the super couple have broken up:

1) No Superbaby: Any child created by these two would undoubtedly be the hottest kid on the planet. Think "Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Countdown to Legality" hot. She would be not much unlike the spawn of the Six-Million Dollar man and the Six-Million Dollar woman (who, btw, was played by Sandra Bullock in Bionic Showdown)

2) Officially stick a fork in the career of John Stamos. He's done: No more of his super hot wife calling in "favors" over at ABC to get him a pilot for sitcom season. No more Broadway shows. Nuh uhh. What little charm Stamos had was all attached to his wife. With that gone, say goodbye to the mojo, Stamos, you are now a lameos! hehehehehe . . . I can't believe I could rhyme Stamos with anything!

3) No more slumming for Rebecca Romijin at Celebrity Parties: Can you just imagine what a celebrity party would be like hosted by John and Rebecca:

Rebecca: Jesus, does Carrot Top have to keep talking about the Chairman of the Board sequel with Antonio?

John: C'mon, Carrot Top is funny!

Rebecca: Look over there. Why is Dave Coulier doing the Cut it out thing with Patrick Stewart?

John: Honey, I think you need to Cut . . . It . . . Out. Man, that still kills me!

Rebecca: Ugh . . . and what did I tell you about Stephen Baldwin??? He keeps asking Hugh Jackman to pull his finger!!!!

John: Man, he was so funny on Celebrity Fear Factor!

4) The end of all hope for B-Listers: For a time there, men like Phillip Michael Thomas, the guy who played Skippy on Family Ties, and the cast of the Hogan Family all thought they had a chance for glory with a supermodel. "Christ, I was Skippy! If Stamos could get one of those, so could I!!!!" With the patron saint of B-listhood eliminated, the gig is officially up. Oh well . . . you guys can now duke it out for who gets to date Yasmine Bleeth and the cast of VIP.

Inside The Actors Studio With J.Lo

Wawas world got a special sneak preview of J. Lo's appearance on Inside the Actors Studio. Strangely enough, I don't actually think J.Lo has a movie coming out. She's actually on the show to talk about her past work:

James Lipton: . . . so now that we've taken a look at your upbringing from the mean streets of the Bronx, through the years as a Fly Girl on In Living Color, let's talk about your film work.

J. Lo: Alright

James Lipton: First, let's talk about a little film that has a young tejano girl rise from the ashes . . . like a phoenix . .. to become a pop sensation. Of course, this little film is . . . SELENA!

(Audience applauses)

J. Lo: (Nods her head in approval) Oh you're too kind.

James Lipton: Where did you find the inspiration to make such a triumphant story?

J. Lo: I could really relate with the story of a young hispanic woman rising from her struggling upbringing to get to the top. . . . I thought

James Lipton: BRILLIANT! Would you like to play a game of word association with me?

J. Lo: As I was saying . . .

James Lipton: OUTSTANDING! Ok, let's go. ENOUGH . . .GO!

J.Lo: Um . . . Woman Empowerment?

James Lipton: Gigli?

J.Lo: My Gone With the Wind

James Lipton: Interesting. A story of a lesbian hitwoman falling in love with a straight hitman. A classic tale of human emotion gone astray. YES! It is your Gone with the wind. Tell us . . . who came up with the classic line "gobble, gobble"? Was that the director or was it the moment of inspiration that an actor spends a lifetime looking for?

J.Lo: Moments of vulnerability like that are . . .I don't know . . . so far and few between. I had to reach to an inner, deeper place. I thought back to my childhood, when my father would cut into our turkey dinner. I thought of the pain of the turkey as my dad would cut into the thigh or breast. It came to me . . .Gobble Gobble . . .

James Lipton: Gobble, Gobble . . . Indeed!

J.Lo: As an actress, you have to find these places . . . no matter how dark.

James Lipton: Dark . .. (nodding head) and deep. Let's talk about another film. A simple maid finds love in the most unexpected of places: At work. Ralph Fiennes and you put on a cinematic acting dance not unlike Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers . . .

J.Lo: There was no dancing

James Lipton: Exactly! This film is of course Maid in Manhattan.

(Heavy Applause)

James Lipton: Tell us, Ms. Lopez, what made this movie the classic that we now remember? The ability to channel the strength of getting up in the morning, working, caring for a child . . . You are brilliant!!!!

(Heavy Applause)

J.Lo: Thank you, Thank you . . .

James Lipton: Now onto the Q&A . . .

(Man, A whole week without a fucking post, and this is the best I could come up with????)