wawasworld

Can You Smell What the Boy In the Bubble Is Cooking?

Just yesterday, wawasworld found out that The Rock was starring in an action remake of a 70's vigilante film called Walking Tall. I knew he was doing a cheesy action film, I just didn't know it was a remake of a 70's film. I checked with some sources, and it turns out that The Rock has another 70's classic flick in the can: The Boy In the Plastic Bubble Let's get a sneak peek at this soon-to-be cinematic classic:

The Rock: Mom?

Mom: Yes, Rock?

The Rock: Why did God put me in a bubble?

Mom: Well, I think . ..

The Rock: IT DOESN"T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!

(Loud Beeping from Bubble)

Mom: Now, Rock, you know when you get worked up you interfere with the air flow of your bubble.

The Rock: Are you telling The Rock how to run his bubble?

Mom: Of course not . . . I'm just saying . . .

The Rock: No one, and I mean, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, tells The Rock
how to run his bubble. Let me show you something, Mom. The Rock is going to put on his bubble suit and leave his bubble . . . (Starts doing pushups outside of the bubble in his bubble suit). Do you see the superhuman strength of The Rock in the bubble suit???

Mom: Well done, Rock!

(Loud beeping)

Mom: Oh no, your suit is running low of oxygen! Get back in the bubble, Rock!

The Rock: Have you been messing with the People's Oxygen tank? Don't make me hit you with the peoples oxygen tank!

Mom: No, I haven't been messing with your tank, Rock!

The Rock: That's right, Mom. KNOW YOUR ROLE, AND FIX MY OXYGEN TANK! IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK . .. . is breathing

(cue theme music)

March Moron

It's confirmed: I'm an idiot. After watching the college basketball this weekend, I've come to understand that I have no idea about the sport anymore. Who knew they put in a 3 pt. line??? As I thought about it more and more, and as the anger grew more and more, I started to recount the ways that I botched this year's NCAA basketball pool:

1) I entered 8 different pools, with the same picks: Of course, you can sit there and say to yourself "Boy, I'm so smart, I'm sure me picking one set of picks for 8 pools will win it for me! I'm so smart! I'm going to get all the picks!" That is just DUMB! By entering 8 different pools, I had the opportunity to use different variations and picks, probably increasing my chances. Instead, I'm an idiot who uses the same sheet for all the pools. That's like entering the same lottery numbers for 8 different tickets: "I think I can win 8 times as much this way" IDIOT.

2) I used ESPN's Insider to make my picks: Ah, it was just oh so brilliant: I would sit there and use all of these wonderful mathematical formulas, such as Strength of Schedule, Margin of Victory etc. It was a no lose proposition, right? Um . . . wrong. Instead of using my goddamn eyes and going: "Boy, I've seen alot of these teams, I think I should be able to pick out who is good and who is not" I used stupid math formulas. I was waiting for Jeff Goldblaum from Jurrassic Park to step out and peak over my picks and say: "What about the Chaos theory, Wawa" Yeah . . .what about that chaos theory? Dammit.

3) Oh yeah, maybe watching some College Basketball would help this year: Now that I've moved out, I haven't watched as much College hoops as I have in the past, so my knowledge isn't as sharp as it used to be. I mean, I've watched a few games (ACC Tourney, Some Big East etc.), but my grasp was kind of weak. And it cost me in the end. Can I say Idiot again? No? Ok, how about Moron?

In conclusion, next year will be better. I thought about all the things I wish I could do differently, and the best I could come up with was kill myself. ESPN Insider gave me a great way to do this. Unfortunately, I only ended up very badly burned . .. . (sigh).

I Think I've Seen This Already

Wawasworld is all excited for the new Spider-Man 2 film. One problem, though: It sounds exactly like Super Man 2, starring Christopher Reeve. I know what you're thinking: "Uh . . .Wawa, one's about a spider, one's about the man of steel" Well, read the link, and here is why I think they may be the same movie:

1) Spider-man is in love with Mary-Jane and Superman is in love with Lois Lane: Lane and Jane rhyme. Hmmm . . . coincedence?

2) Ok, that might not be good enough, but how about the fact that it looks like Peter Parker gives up being Spider Man so he can get his lady: Which is exactly what happened in Superman 2!!!! Clark Kent gives up his powers, so he can lead a normal life and woo Lois Lane. . . which brings me to my next point. . .

3) . . . After an epiphany of sorts, Spider Man goes back to being Spider Man: Bam! That's exactly how Superman did it!

I'm still excited, but I gotta be honest, I kinda feel like I might have been there, done that.

The Carnie Wilson Theory

You know we've all been there. You're walking around somewhere, say a mall or a restaurant, and you see a group of attractive model types . . . but with one random exception. You see one friend that is larger and more hideous then the other friends. You think to yourself "How did that happen???" Well, my friends, Wawasworld is going to lay down the rules of the Carnie Wilson theory. A little background: Carnie Wilson was the ugliest and largest member of the trio "Wilson Phillips." While the other 2 strutted around being hot, Carnie was around to make sure the catering business for there videos stayed busy. Hence, the Carnie Wilson theory. It's been circulated for years among people, never to be talked about and I will not take credit for the name of the theory, but I'm finally going to lay out what the laws of the Carnie Wilson Theory are:

1) Wawa, other then being the largest and ugliest of the bunch, what is a key characteristic?: They are probably the loudest and most garroulous. Think about it. After years of neglect for being the ugliest or the chunkiest within the family, the Carnie Wilson of the group has to overcompensate by talking too much and trying to be funny. Also, due to there talkative nature, if you're a stranger, and you listen in, you'll probably find the Carnie Wilson to be the most annoying. Is it coincidence that the only person in Wilson Phillips to get a talk show is Carnie? Hmmmm . . .

2) But Wawa, if Carnie is so annoying, why do the pretty girls keep her around?:Duh! That's pretty obvious. They can see through the crap and see the goodness within. . . Nah, just kidding. Hot people suck. The pretty people within this group are able to overlook the annoying part of this person, as long as the fat person keeps the other pretty people in the group looking "pretty" (Holy shit, that sentence sounds like something Willie Aames would have said in Charles in Charge). It's a comparison game, kids: Hot person's hottness goes up just by standing next to the hunchback. It's like before and after. I'm only calling a spade a spade.

3) Fine, Wawa, but does it only have to be a fat guy or fat chick? Can it be an exceptionally ugly person who is thin? Or a fat guy or girl who is ugly?: Unacceptable. It is possible to be fat, but have a pretty face. You're not a Carnie then. Same thing for being thin, but ugly. Let's call it the supersized combo package. You have to be the fattest and the ugliest one of the group. It's not one. There is no rhyme or reason. It's just the way it is.

4) What happens if Carnie decides to have her stomach stapled and a face lift? What then? : Easy enough. They become part of the prettier, regular group, and the model types go out and recruit a new Carnie into the group. Of course, this also shows that you can escape from Carnie-hood. Anyways, It's simple to recruit one into the group. Just show some fake attention. That's all we're . . . I mean, Carnies . .. are really looking for: A little love and attention.

I Should have Turned and Run!

Recently, I got a posting on Wawasworld from someone who I hadn't spoken to in years. Good buddy of mine from High School and Middle School etc. So we exchanged some e-mails back and forth, and it seemed pleasant enough. It's actually not that difficult to fall back into a routine with someone you haven't seen in years if you actually have a history with that person (I'm fearful the gay references here, but oh well). But there is this whole other part of the equation of running into people from your horrible acne covered days that you're not completely comfortable with. Let's count the phases of the High School run-in:

1) "Hmmmm . . . Is that person someone I went to High School with?": This is the initial phase. Chances are he/she has put on some weight, gotten a little worse for wear, or just looks bad (I could qualify for any of this). Once you get past the fog of selective memory, you can then recognize the person. Generally, the fog wears off for both of you at the same time and then you move onto . . .

2) "Holy shit . . . it is you!": Ahhhh . . . the initial discovery that you do remember each other! Otherwise known as "Shit, it's too late to turn around and pretend that I don't know you". This phase can also be your reminiscing back to what you were in High School, as well. A couple of months ago I ran into a guy who said to me: "Man, you had a great jump shot." Seriously. That's the best he could come up with. I should have said back: "You were a dick who threatened me one night in the park after a night of drinking." But I digress. Another component of this phase is the initial thought process of what you're doing talking to this person. You're thinking in your head "Ugh . . . I hated this person back then" or "Why am I acting like this? I had nothing in common with them then, why should I talk to them now?" which leads to . . .

3) "Oh my God, what have you been up to?" or "Where do you live, where do you work, are you married" etc.: To save face, though, you act all phony and pretend to care what that person is up to. Seriously, is it really important to know the details of someone that you barely remember or actually ever thought about. Oh wait, IT IS IMPORTANT! Because you inevitably get to . . .

4) "Have you talked to (enter random name)? I wonder what they are up to?": A very key component to this whole process. That's why you store up on step 3, so you can at least comment on step 4 when this inevitably happens again. At this point, though, you start to realize that not much important is going on in this conversation and you get to . . .

5) (Awkward Silence) "Well, it was good to see you. Keep in touch!": Ahhhh . . . relief.

Update-3/24/04

A whole week with no entry? That's right. Sometimes Wawasworld doesn't have it. I was going to write a piece about how assasins and snipers are all angry about the fact that Israel took out Yassin with a guided missle, but that would be considered tasteless. Wawasworld doesn't do tasteless (well, maybe that posting about the guy who crapped his pants at work or bathroom ettiquette, but I digress). Here's what Wawasworld has been up to the last week:

1) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Best movie wawasworld has ever seen. It had the science fiction bent, a great love story, and a twist at the end. Perfect. The one scene at the house at the end is . . . heartbreaking (sigh). When you see it, you'll understand. Hmmm . . . I think my readers will throw my manhood into question with the usage of heartbreaking. Bah . . . I don't care.

2) Amateurs wreck my college basketball pool: I pride myself in knowing more about sports then the average citizen. Suddenly, we get the pot luck dinner that is called the NCAA tournament, and wawasworld can't help but get whiplash as punks like Jefke and co-worker Baron zoom by in the rankings. I'm a fraud. Goddamn Cincy, Stanford, and UK!!! Another year, another lost $85 in gambling.

3) I've been busy at work: Don't laugh. No, seriously, don't laugh!

4) Help Wawasworld send Wawasworld on a vacation: I need a break from the strenuous diet of being angry all the time and bored. So please send suggestions on where Wawasworld should go on vacation.

Update

Here's a couple of things going on in Wawasworld:

1) 10 Year High School Reunion: I didn't go to my 5 year High School Reunion, because I hadn't "established" myself in this world. I was a lowly executive admin (read: Secretary), so what was there to brag about? Now with the 10 years coming up, I'm a Marketing Manager. Um . . . Ok, I still haven't established myself in this world. F that. I keep in touch with all the people I wanted to during High School. If I had Power locks for my Honda, maybe I would go.

2) Phil Collins returns: No, no . . . not only is Phil Collins going on tour this summer, but MIKE IN THE MECHANICS IS OPENING!!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they will duet on "I can't Dance" Ooh ooh . . . I hope M&TM play "The Living Years" Ohhhhhhh . .. so good.

3) What's the point of calling it a Christmas Newsletter: Pearl Jam promised all its fan club members 2 newsletters a year. One during the summer, and one before the holidays. Guys, the Holidays WAS 4 FUCKING MONTHS AGO! Holy Christ, what's so hard about putting a couple songs on vinyl and sending out some pictures of what you're up to?????? I'm pretty sure I've paid for all that Macrobiotic shit that Eddie eats. The least they can do is send me the goddamn fanclub newsletter.

4) March Madness: I'm taking everyone's money. I'm in 5 pools. Kids, bet on Monmouth. Seriously. Monmouth. They are very good this year.

5) I had a Fantasy Baseball draft that lasted for 6 1/2 hours: It was very professional and well done by our commissioner. It was ammusing to see the player board, where all the people drafting had to walk up to a board and post the player they had just chosen. It was pretty cool . . . and yet, I couldn't help but feel like I was playing D&D back in High School. Not that I played D&D or anything.

That's it for now . . . 12:06 on a Monday night. tired.

"Super" Heroes

As I was getting off the train yesterday, I overheard a couple of comic book geeks discussing who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman. I would think this would be an obvious one, but someone actually said Batman: "He's got the car and the Utility Belt!" Ugh. Besides the fact that Superman is nicknamed the "Man of Steel" Batman actually has no superpowers. That's right. NOTHING! So this got Wawasworld thinking: Who are the most overrated "Super" Heroes of all time. Here's my list:

1) Daredevil: I've ranted about him before, but that was mostly about the movie. He's got no superpowers, he's blind, and his special skill is he has a radar that compensates for his lack of site. Ooooh . . . if I had any sort of decent weaponary, shouldn't I be able to wreck this guy? And what's with the name? What does Daredevil have to do with being blind. How about "See no evil, hear no evil man" or "Blind Justice man"

2) Batman: He should have finished ahead of Daredevil, actually. I think a general rule of superherodom is that if you have any kind of horns on your costume, you generally suck. Again, another one with no real superpowers. I'll say he's behind Daredevil because he has a cool car . . .but at the same token, he has a gay homerotic sidekick named . . .

3) . . . Robin: If I were him, I'd be so pissed at Batman for dressing me up in Green and Yellow underwear. Batman's all dressed in black, mysterious, and he gets the cool car. What does Robin get? A nickname after a bird that . . . um . . . what does a robin do? Christ, I think a more appropriate bird name for Robin would be Swallow.

4) Any Superhero that carries a bow and arrow: This means you, Hawkeye and Green Arrow. Your special ability is that your a Carny (did I spell that right?). Chances are you can't run or jump or do anything but fire that bow and arrow. Couldn't I just get a guy with a really big gun to be more effective?

5) The Crow: He's not really a superhero, and I did like that movie alot, but if your life is tied to a mangy bird, who if dies, you die, well then, you're pretty damn vulnerable. I'm actually a little confounded by this choice. Is the Crow a superhero or just a guy who kind of acts like one. Hmmmm . . .

Don't want to live like no refugee

Wawasworlds parents have a kind and generous heart. How big?, you ask. Well, this weekend, I found out that they have taken on another Thai relative to stay with them for the next 2 months.

The beauty of the whole situation is the fact that my Dad has been given strict orders not to speak Thai to her, so she can grasp the english language. From what I gathered on Sunday, she speaks a little engrish (which means she speaks better then me, but I digress). But I gather, she has more of a grasp of what's going on more then my mother does, and you'll see why in a second.

So, as we were eating dinner on Sunday night at a steakhouse in Philadelphia (visiting my brother. Long story), I witnessed the following display from my parents and this poor Thai girl who probably had no idea what was going on:

Waitress: How would you like your Prime Rib?

Mom (To Ling, the Thai Refugee): HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR PRIME RIB!?!?!!??!

Wawa: Oh my God, your Ricky's mom from "Better Off Dead", Mom!

Dad: Wuh . . . you silent! Let mommy finish!

Mom: I think she'll have it Well done.

Waitress: You get one side with that. Mashed Potatoes, Mixed Vegetables, Corn, Mushroom?

Mom: I'll have the Pork Chops

Waitress: Ok, but what about the side for the Prime Rib for her?

Mom: I think I want Mashed Potatos

Waitress: Ok, I got you. What about her side?

Mom: I told you . . . Mashed Potatoes

Wawa: HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE FUCKING KILLING ME! Jesus, LING, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE AS A SIDE DISH TO YOUR GODDAMN PRIME RIB!!!

(stunned silence at table)

Dad: Wuh . . . this why we retire to Thailand. Kids no respect . . .

Ling (In emotionally beaten down state): I'll have the corn

Mom: Oh, What she'll have as a side dish . . .

(Wawa cries in the corner of the booth)

Avril Lavigne's Mall World Tour

News has come out that Avril Lavigne, Wawasworlds favorite punk princess, will be heading out on a world mall tour. Not since Tiffany has the mall been such a hotbed of musical credibility. Wawasworld got a first hand look at what her special accoustic tour would look like. Take a look:

Avril: . . . .I'm with yoooooouuuuuuu . .. I'm with yooooooouuuuuu . . . THANK YOU PARAMUS! You've been a great audience! We have something special tonight that we haven't done at all on this tour. Well, we did do it last night and the night before, but tonights going to be special! (LOUD SCREAMS!!!) No, no, we love you! We're going to do a special Q and A session with all of you. No topic is off limits. First question down front?

Teenage Girl Fan #1: Where did you get the so awesome idea of wearing a tie with your wifebeater and pants? I'm your biggest fan!

Avril: Awwww . . . aren't you sweet? Well, you can find my skinnee tie look at the TJ Max located on the 4th floor. I think it's really a sweet look. I'm so punk rock! Next Question?

Overweight Wawa in the Back: I was thinking about breaking up with my bitchy girlfriend. How do you suggest I do that?

Avril: Oh my God! I just broke up with my boyfriend, and let me just say it's just so heartbreaking. This is how I did it: I took him to the food court located on the 3rd floor, where you can find the Wendy's and McDonalds, and let me just say "I'm lovin it"! (Loud screams!)

Overweight Wawa in the Back: Uh, how do I break up with my girlfriend though?

Avril: Duh . . . Buy her an Orange Julius located on the 3rd floor and tell her it's over. You're such a sk8ter boi, overweight wawa in the back! Ok, kids, back to the music. LET'S ROCK (Kicks into Complicated) . . . .