wawasworld

Why don't you just wear a sign?

As wawasworld is apt to do at work, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. Nothing extrordinary at all. But something really bothered me as I'm on the way to the bathroom: One of my co-workers was bringing a magazine with him as he was walking into the Loo (is that how you spell it?). See, I know he's going to take a dump, because I'm in the bathroom and he's going to a stall, but by simply going to the bathroom with a magazine in a office is A DECLORATION OF DUMPAGE!

This has confounded me for years. Will the magazine make the whole process . . . ahem . . . smoother? Can't you just wait to read that article on what Sarah Jessica Parker is wearing for the ride on the train home?
Sure, if you're home, go ahead, bring the paper or magazine in with you. No ones looking. It's your palace. But in the office, we don't really need to know. It just looks tacky. In fact, here are some other rules to live by in regards to bathroom going in the office:

1) Don't talk to the person next to you in the next stall: This can also go for the urinal. Ok, this story is going to get graphic, but I'll share an anecdote from about 2 years ago:

Dave: Who's in the stall over?

Wawa: Um . . . it's me. (Silence)

Dave: Hey Wawa. How's it going?

Wawa: Um . .. I'm not so comfortable right now. Can we stop talking?

Dave: Be a man! It's no big deal . . . (Does something loud) . . . Whoa! That chili from last night is backing up!

I'm still scarred from that incident to this day. BTW-What the hell does talking in a bathroom stall have to do with manhood?

2) If you're going to talk to yourself, make sure you're alone: Seriously, my buddy was telling me about the time he was sitting in a stall, and he heard one of his co-workers saying while washing his hands: "I'm the man! I'm going to sell today! Who's the man? I'm the man!" That's just embarrasing. It may not be that word for word. I'll get clarification if you like.

3) Don't shit yourself at work: I don't know if this is actually a bathroom rule, but it is a rule to live by. As many of you know, I've worked with a guy who did this. Not pleasant. But a funny story.

Honestly, I really didn't want to go lowbrow humor like this, but I think at this point, bathroom ettiquette has hit an all time low in our society. Embarrasing.

Julia Roberts Gets Angry!

It turns out that America's sweetheart, Julia Roberts, has a little bit of a temper. Recently, she has been lapped by some of the younger starlets in Hollywood, such as Charlize Theron and Nicole Kidman, and our Pretty Woman won't take it lying down. Wawasworld has gotten access to a recent conversation between Julia and her manager. Has Julia lost control? You be the judge:

Jerry Goldberg: Hello?

Julia: Hello, Jerry

Jerry: Hi Julia. What's going on?

Julia: What the hell have you been doing over there?

Jerry: I'm not sure what you mean?

Julia: (whiny voice) "I'm not sure what you mean" Listen up, asshole, every time I look up, I see someone getting an award that should be going to me. Did you see the SAG's last night?

Jerry: Oh, Charlize looked great!

Julia: Charlize this, Charlize that . . . what the hell is wrong with you? Get on that phone and start getting me some of those roles!

Jerry: Which roles?

Julia: Are you dim? Take a look at Nicole Kidman last year and Charlize Theron this year. You see something in common?

Jerry: They are really hot?

Julia: You're an idiot. They went U-G-L-Y! You get your ass on the phone with the Weinsteins, and you get me some ugly roles. You think warmed over Dead Poets Society crap like Mona Lisa Smiles are going to get me the $20 million contracts? Shit no. You know what's going to get me $20 mil a pic? Beauty and the Beastess, or something like that. You like the sound of that, Jerry? You think you can handle getting me some of those ugly roles?

Jerry: Um . . . yes?

Julia: You're damn right!

Jerry: Well, before we get you some . . . ugly roles . . . you have press work for Oceans Twelve

Julia: Oceans Twelve??? Listen you make me ugly. Ugly is the way to the top. Right now everyone is beating me to the punch. Hello? Even Meg Ryan and Goldie Hawn have those big puffy lips. Ugly is in sweetheart, and if you don't get me ugly, you know what's going to happen to you?

Jerry: I'll be out?

Julia: That's right . . . you'll be out. I hope we understand each other (click)

Jerry: Julia? Julia? . . . .

Weekend Review

Nothing major from this weekend:

1) How the hell do you work this ATM machine????: I went gambling this weekend, and even though I lost $300 (hey, I can't win all the time), the most frustrating part was waiting in line for this woman to work the ATM machine. As I was watching over her shoulder, she struggled with the part where they ask you to pull out denominations of $20. She put in $2.00 and then got all confused. The ATM then asked her if she needed more time! MORE TIME?!?!?! Has that actually ever happened at any ATM machine since the year of the ATM invention? I mean, you put the card in, punch in your code, put in the money you want, accept the fee . . . boom . . . your done. It's not rocket science. I've never seen anything like it. Due to the confusion, a line piled up behind me for the ATM, and the woman had to leave because she probably couldn't handle the pressure. Sweetie, the ATM is the only place in a casino where you actually win. There should be no confusion about that.

2) Does Hollywood have it in for Sean Penn?: My roommate got into it with me about this last night, after Penn was denied the SAG award for his performance on Mystic River. I say, no, Hollywood does not have it in for him. He says yes, they do, because they didn't give the SAG award to him (which went to Johnny Depp, instead). Let me get this straight: He gets nominated every time he acts or directs (albeit, never winning) and he works constantly with great actors and directors. Doesn't the nomination speak volumes about the amount of respect he garners? Scorsesse has never won a best director award. Does that mean Hollywood has it in for him? Of course not. Sometimes, no matter how enjoyable or challenging someones work may be, performances from other actors or directors may just be better that year. So he's an asshole. Big deal. Assholes win all the time. See Russell Crowe. I think the fact that he's nominated at all, despite his "difficult personality" says that he has the respect coming to him regardless. Penn's time will come, maybe even this year, but seriously, there is no conspiracy against him.

3) Greg Maddux signed with the Cubs. Is the curse over?: Ok, Maddux was solid last year, and he's still a quality pitcher, but let's not forget that he's 38 years old. While he's not a power pitcher, I think any pitcher over 35 is a question mark in terms of quality and performance. Take a look at his former pitching mate Tom Glavine last year with the Mets. That being said: THE CURSE IS OVER! BRING ON THE YANKEES!

And that's all for today. See you tommorrow.

Random Rant Day

Ahhhh . . . Pretty busy today, but I wrote nothing yesterday, so I'll just throw in a quick piece to fill in the gap. Here they are:

1) Daredevil Blows: I was just watching "Daredevil" last night, and wow, is that movie strikingly bad. I never saw Gigli, but could it have really been worse than this movie? First off, he has all these cool gadgets, but he's poor as dirt and has no inheritance from his deadbeat dad. You could always explain Bruce Wayne, because he had a rich daddy and mommy. Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck's character) was a pro bono lawyer who's father is a failed boxer. Huh? Secondly, I'm a big fan of the comic book, and I don't like how they gloss over his training (He had a Karate Sensei, which links up with the whole Elektra thing and . . . oh forget it). Nope . . . just one day he had kick ass skills. Crap. Just crap.

2) How would you like to spend your 15 mins. of fame?: One of my co-workers today was telling me how her 15 minutes of fame was spent dancing onstage at a Jimmy Buffett concert. My 15 minutes of fame was being caught on the latest PJ DVD eating Chicken Fingers at a breakneck speed. Seriously, I like to think those are 2 rock bottom ways to spend your 15 minutes. Here is how I would want to spend my 15 minutes:

a) Mystery guy on Paris Hilton Sex tape
b) blog superstar
c) Random guy on street in "Is he hot or not?" articles that make the NY Post
d) guy winning lottery

3) I love the O.C.: This might be the best looking cast of characters in the history of Television. You've got the total mix that you're looking for: 2 hot mothers, 2 hot girls, 1 mysterious hot guy, the hot dork, and Peter Gallagher's eyebrows (I'm sure if you were in the same room with him, you'd swear those things were following you around the room like a pair of eyes). The best line from last nights OC:

Hot Teenager trying to seduce Mother of ex-girlfriend: "Me and my buddies always talk about the mothers that we would do, and you're always the winner!"

And that's all that's on my mind today. See you tommorrow.

Mannequin

Blogging at it's finest:

Jefke: what was the one with andrew mcarthy and the manniquin that comes to life/

Jefke: manniquin?

wsetha: Mannequin

wsetha: Yeah

wsetha: Kim Catrall

wsetha: Estelle Getty

Jefke: ahhh right

wsetha: JAMES SPADER!

Jefke: oh was that spader?

wsetha: The bad guy, who double crosses the company

wsetha: He actually works at Ilustra

wsetha: the rival mall

wsetha: Oh My God, seriously, I need to get a life

Miracle

Last night, Wawa's world saw Miracle with Kurt Russel and . . . well, the guy who played Tag in Friends (although, I thought he was better in Felicity, but that's just me). Not a bad movie, but I just had some quick observations about this movie:

1) People were clapping at the end of the film: Hell, they were clapping during the goals! First off, Wawasworld does not condone clapping at the end of any movie. It's just silly. You clap at live performances to give approval to the artist who is there. Do you think anyone else in the theater needs to know that you liked the movie? Isn't it enough to turn to the person next to you and go: "Boy, I liked that movie"? Secondly, why would you clap at the end of this movie, anyways? You know how it ends. We win. The Russians lose. You already knew that! and if you didn't know that, what's wrong with you? The reviews mention it.

2) Wasn't this already done with "Rocky 4"?: I've thought about this recently (I have no life) and I'm starting to think I love Rocky 4 better then any of the other Rocky's. The whole unifying spirit at the end. Drago looking like a chump. Good stuff. Miracle is a rehash of Rocky 4: Gigantic 7 foot Russian players (Drago), playing a tiny american hockey team (Rocky), with the little guys overtaking the big gigantic hockey team, while the russian team looks in dissaray (er . . .the end of Rocky). Been there, done that, Kids. Maybe you can roll out some scantily clad "Iceleaders!" to keep my interest at the end.

3) The greatest sports moment ever?: That's how the creators of this movie are labelling this movie. Isn't that a tad presumptious? I mean, ok, maybe I can buy greatest U.S. sporting moment of all time, but nothing more. You think some old guy back in Russia (or whatever they are calling that place nowadays), getting loaded on Vodka, remembering his hockey glory, is thinking that this is the greatest moment of all time? Didn't think so. Keep in mind that the Soviets beat us at our own sport of Basketball in the '72 Olympics (albeit under shady circumstances), but I don't see any U.S. filmmakers covering that one. Maybe a Russian filmmaker can fill in the gap and make a film about that and label that as "The Greatest Sports Moment ever" and then we can get all up in arms about that. So typical American behavior. Always thinking it's about us. Uh-oh . . . I'm going to be labeled as unpatriotic. I feel so Mel Gibson right now.

Ultimately, I thought it was an ok movie. Kurt Russel was pretty good and the no-name actors certainly got the job done . . . but I don't know . . . it kind of missed something. Oh yeah. It missed Kurt Russel making this speech at the end to the entire arena: "In here, tonight. There were two guys, killing each other. But I guess that’s better than 20 million. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!"

Are You Done With That?

I like to eat. I know, I know . . . you're stunned. You've seen Wawasworlds figure, and thought: "Wow, is he a waif or what??" But yes, I like to go to restaurants and eat. I also like to take my time eating. I like the art of going out and talking with what few friends I have, and savoring every last bite of my meal. That's what people do.

So I ask: Why the fuck does every waiter and waitress and goddamn busboy in this godforsaken city have to ruin this for me??? Every time I'm in midbite of my tasty overpriced meal, I have to look up and see some fucking waitress or waiter come over and ask: "How's your meal????" Is it not possible to wait until we're all done to ask this question? I mean, I'm eating it . . . Doesn't that tell you something? Clearly I must like it. If I had a complaint, wouldn't I tell you and STOP eating? Do you think this will get you that extra dollar on the tip? And since I'm always in mid-bite, and I have a full bite going on, how can the service person understand if I'm happy or not? My typical response when I'm in midbite would be: "grhghahgh . . . good" Huh? Exactly! You're not going to understand me when I have a big bite of Fettucinne Alfredo in my mouth, so why ask? Save me the pain and save the time of you actually pretending to care if I like my meal or not. We'll both be the better for it.

And then there is the busboys. They have gotten completely out of control. On Tuesday, I was out for dinner, and a busboy came over 4 Times to ask if I was done towards the end of my meal. I'm not exaggerating. 4 Times! The restaurant was 3/4 empty. You don't need the table. Guys, can you wait until I'm officially done with what's on my plate? One time in Myrtle Beach, at a Chinese Buffet (Wawasworld drools), my buddy had that fake ice cream that they have at these places on his plate, literally turned to say something to me, and BOOM! The Ice Cream was gone! No "Are you done" or "Can I clear that for you" Nope. Just gone. I know that's extreme, but I swear, that's just the beggining. You give the busboy the power to take your food, lord knows what he will take next!

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a little too sensitive about this, but all I have to say to that is "grhghersher . . . good"

Mail Order Bride Comedy!

Jefke has an idea for wawasworlds first foray into sitcom hell:

wsetha: Oh, oh

wsetha: I have big news

wsetha: my folks bought a condo in Thailand . . .

wsetha: It looks like they may be leaving

Jefke : are you ok

Jefke : do you need a hug?

wsetha: hahahhaha . . . .

wsetha: Nah, it's the old person maneuver

wsetha: 1/2 a year here

wsetha: 1/2 there

Jefke : ah

Jefke : so are you expected to be mr roper and manage the properties

wsetha: I think they expect me to move home

wsetha: But that hasn't been discussed much

Jefke : that was your dream, right

wsetha: Oh God no

Jefke : get a roommate

wsetha: Get cats

Jefke : do a risky business type deal

wsetha: I can be the guy with 9 cats

Jefke : time for the thai import bride

wsetha: I'm sure he'll try to get me a mail order Thai bride though

Jefke : man, i dunno

Jefke : you should do it

Jefke : just get some insanely hot chick

Jefke : and give her a new life

Jefke : i mean, chances are you could get along with her, and if not, what is she gonna do, divorce you?

wsetha: I got nothing . ... she can take the Honda

wsetha: It only has 3 doors

wsetha: and the doors are manual

Jefke : cna i be involved in the mail order bride ordering

Jefke : liek your agent?

Jefke : i'm just excited for your mail order bride

Jefke : i will call her sally

Jefke : sally sethacuckle

wsetha: Don't you mean Sal Li?

Jefke : well, won't you give her an americanized name ?

wsetha: Ahhhhh . . . .good call

Jefke : so she won't stand out in Scarsdale?

wsetha: Yeah, I don't stand out in Scarsdale

Jefke : you know the little ti girl that won't speak english

wsetha: Dude, I stand out in a Chinese grocery

Jefke : a new name will certianly help her blend in

Jefke : wiht all the jewish doctors and lawyers

wsetha: Man, I can just picture my dad pulling that shit

wsetha: I come home

wsetha: and boom

wsetha: there she is, wrapped up in a fed ex box or something

Jefke : man

wsetha: Like the Twilight Zone with the robot

Jefke : it'd be great

Jefke : wawa this is sally

Jefke : sally this is wawa

Jefke : wawa: "ok enough talk, lets seal the deal"

Jefke : fade to black

wsetha: She would call me "Wallen"

Jefke : fade in, wawa's room, light coming in through the broken blinds (see
episode #223), sally is wimpering, clutching a straw doll that she made in her village at the age of 3

wsetha: hahahhaahaha . ..

wsetha: Ok, now that was funny

Jefke : she's be going "wawawawaawawawaaa" wawa keeps half waking up..."huh"

wsetha: Jesus

wsetha: Are you writing for the UPN?

wsetha: I mean, they had a sitcom about slavery

Jefke : hmm, maybe i should switch careers

wsetha: It would only be appropriate to have a sitcom about Mail order Thai brides

Jefke : "enough pad thai bitch!! i need calimari"

Jefke : sorry

Jefke : i'm thinking more of the sitcom scene in natural born killers

Jefke : for some reason

Jefke : laugh track over terrible things

wsetha: Oh man, This whole thing . . . blog worthy

Ken and Barbie

Ken and Barbie have called it a day. Wow! 2 days with no posts, and this is all I could come up with!?!? (sigh)

Mahoney, get your ass in here!

Finally, Police Academy Widescreen is coming out! I think this is what is so glorious about the DVD revolution: Crappy movies can have a second chance at greatness. The same way you could get Yes's "Tales of Topographic Oceans or Pink Floyd's "Animals" all over again on CD, you can now get this screen gem all over again in it's full glory. Reminds me of when Atlantic remastered the entire Genesis CD collection from the 70's, and I ended up with 2 copies of every CD.

BTW-If you look closely to the credits that they posted on DVD Planet, you'll note how they put Steve Guttenberg as the last credit. DVD Planet, Mahoney was kind of the star of the entire movie. I think it's safe to say you can put him ahead of horse neighing Michael Winslow on the list. Thanks guys.