wawasworld

Ben and Jen Breakup-The Inside Story

It took a couple of weeks, but finally Wawasworld came up with the inside dirt on the Ben and Jen breakup. Take a look, as we go into the former glamorous world of Bennifer:

Jen: Oh Pequito, I haven't seen you in weeks! Dos Mio! Give me a kiss!

Ben: We have to talk, Jen

Jen: About what, my pequito?

Ben: Do you want out of this relationship with me? It says so in this week's US!

Jen: And last weeks . . .

Ben: and the week before. Anyways, do you want out?

Jen: What do I want a way outta here for? I want to live here the rest of my
life. I want to be your wife. I want to take our kids to little league together up at Foley Field.

Ben: hmmmm . . . Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way, but in 20 years, if we're livin togetha, comin' over watchin' the fuckin' Patriots' games and still doin shitty movies and videos, I'll fuckin' kill you. And that's not a threat, that's a fact. I'll fuckin' kill you.

Jen: No Bennie, you don't mean that!

Ben: Listen, you got somethin' that none of us have.

Jen: Why is it always this? I owe it to myself? What if I don't want to shake my ass at clubs with you and Matt?

Ben: Fuck you. You owe it to me. Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be fifty
and I'll still be makin mediocre films. And I'll still have this flat white ass. And that's all right 'cause I'm gonna make a run at it. But you, you're sittin' on a winning lottery ticket and you're too much of a pussy to cash it in. And that's bullshit 'cause I'd do anything to have what you got! And so would any of these guys. It'd be a fuckin' insult to us if you're still with me in twenty years.

Jen: You don't know that, my pequito!

Ben: Let me tell you what I do know. Everyday I come by to pick you up, and we go out drinkin' or whatever and we have a few laughs. But you know what
the best part of my day is? The ten seconds before I knock on the door
'cause I let myself think I might get there, and you'd be gone. I'd knock on the door and you wouldn't be there. You just left.

Now, I don't know much. But I know that.

Jen: No, Bennie!

Ben: It's Over . . .

Meet the Streisands

I was checking out MSN, and they had this article about Babs taking the role of Gaylord Focker's mom in "Meet The Fockers"

"My Dream is Barbara Streisand" said Stiller

Do you those words have ever come out of any other man's mouth?

Random Stuff

Just a couple of things rolling around in my head:

1) Dr J's Sex Tape Revealed: Ok, the Paris Hilton thing was one thing, but a 54 year old basketball legend is quite the other. I'm sorry, this is one tape I do not want to see. Hmmmm .. . unless the chick is hot.

2) Jefke and I had it wrong: Today Jefke and I discussed if it was possible to have an Average Joe with a decent looking guy and ugly girls. He said no, and well, Wawa agreed with him. Guess what: Average Joe 3 I'm sure they will throw some hot chicks in for good measure, like they do on Average Joe: Hot Chick, but Wawa's world has some suggestions for the Average Ladies:

Camryn Manheim: Crossover magic with "The Practice" She's the perfect candidate for the show. Successful in life, not much to look at, and perfect to be passed over for a hot waitress who has nothing going for her except her looks. Adam will have his revenge!

Mindy Cohn: Natalie is another perfect average Joanne. Relatively successful childstar, now mired in mediocrity. Perfect to get passed over.

Diane Franklin: Who the hell is Diane Franklin? She's the love interest of Lane Meyer in Better Off Dead. I'm goddamn obssessed by this movie, and I tottally want to see this girl get passed over by some Beth lookalike. Revenge is a dish best served in 2004!

3) I'm in love with the Apartment Women: (sigh) So cute. Oh so cute. And that Gina . . . Rowwwwwww .. .

And well, that's all for now.

Golden Globes

. . . . And I bet you thought I would write some stupid piece about Wawa accepting an award at last nights show. Nope. Not coming. I've done that twice already. Been there, done that. I have a few random observations about the awards, though:

1) Mary Louise Parker is my new Stalk-worthy girl: She accepted an award for Angels in America, or some crap like that. Who knows? I was more interested in how hot she looked. In fact, she thanked her new 2 week old son for giving her those new perfect boobs. Christ, I was giving her son a standing ovation for that myself. Get your mind out of the gutter. BTW-What the hell was Billy Crudup thinking leaving here? Another thing: Her best friend is Adam Duritz from Counting Crows. Jesus, this is like IMDB with the random stupid facts.

2) Why was Jennifer Lopez even there?: Christ, why was she there? I'm lost on this one. First off, she just went through a "painful" breakup, where she released a press statement that she would like her privacy. Secondly, she's not pushing any movies (Unless you count Jersey Girl, where she is reportedly only in it for 12 F'in Minutes. Which is a good thing). As my roommate so duly noted, "Dude, she made Gigli . . . why is she there?" I rarely agree with him, but this time I nodded my head in my approval. Shouldn't she be at the Razzies instead?

3) Whoa . . .Karl Malden is still alive?: Isn't it a shocker when you find out that an old star is still alive when you thought them dead for years? For example: "Hold on, Jack Klugman is still alive" or "Wait, Michael Douglas isn't dead?" (Insert Kirk if you like). When Michael Douglas thanked him for teaching him the ropes of acting, and then they showed him at the awards, I was in shock. Oh well . . . at least he looks like a corpse. So I guess I'm 1/2 right.

4) Yay . . . I'm lost in Translation!: I must be missing something. Sofia Coppalla won a best script award? I liked Lost in Translation just like the next person, but Christ, it was like watching a silent film. There was no script. Sure, she wrote a couple of witty lines for Bill Murray, which actually isn't that hard, considering that Bill Murray would make the lines "Look at this weather were having" funny. Let's be honest, the movie was shot beautifully, you didn't need much dialogue to get across how "confused" Bill or Scarlett was, and really, the starof the movie was Japan! Good movie, well shot, beautifully done, but no script. F that. It should have gone to something like "In America" (I.E.-Artsy movie that Wawa would not see, but can claim to say he saw, so he can say he thought it was robbed!)

Joe Namath's First Day in Rehab

It was only a few months ago that, Joe Namath revealed himself to be a drunk, in front of a nationally televised audience. Well, Wawasworld got a special sneak peek behind his first day in rehab. We're all rooting for you, Joe:

Therapist: So Joe, how are you feeling today?

Joe (speech slurring): I feeeel reeeeeeal goooood! How 'bout you, Doc?

Therapist: I feel alright. Now, Joe, you've made a huge first step in your recovery. You've admitted you have a problem with alcohol. . .

Joe: I do?

Therapist: Well, isn't that why you're here?

Joe: Nah . . . I'm here to take the heat off what I did on TV that one time. Not that I remember what I did. Something with Suzy Kolber and my agent calling me an embarrassment. Who knows?

Therapist: Well, you're here, and that's a big step. Now tell me, do you remember when you had your first drink?

Joe: (tearing up) I was in the backwoods of the Alabama dorm. Just a freshman in college. And my roommate Billy Joe gave me a sip of his moonshine from his pappy's brew. It was smooth and delicious . . . so smooth. Oh so smooth . . .

Therapist: Go on . . . I think we're making real progress here

Joe: Do you think we can take it to the next level of recovery today, Doc?

Therapist: What level is that, Joe?

Joe: I want to kiss you. I've been drinking since 3. I really want to kiss you. Can I kiss you?

Therapist: Focus Joe, Focus . . .

Joe: Do you want to see why my middle name is Willie?

Therapist: I think we've made some real strides today. More Tommorrow?

Joe (Passing out): I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you . . .

Heard in the Elevator

"You know Pakistan makes Soccer balls"

"Really?"

"Just the really good ones"

Why Howard Dean was Really Mad

Outrage and anger was a key theme this week throughout the midwest. Let's take a look backstage before Howard Dean's historic breakdown in Iowa:

Mrs. Dean: Howie, you should finalize your speech before you go . . .

Howard: Shhhhhh . . . she's about to make her choice. Man, I hope she keeps Tony He's so dreamy!

Mrs. Dean: Now Howie, today has been dissapointing. You're running 3rd right now, behind Edwards and Kerry. I don't like how these Reality shows get you all riled up.

Howard: SHUT YOUR MOUTH! ARGGGGGGH . . .SHE'S ABOUT TO MAKE HER GODDAMN DECISION, AND YOU JUST KEEP YAPPING AND YAPPING AND YAPPING! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME!?!?!

Mrs. Dean: I'm sorry . . .

Howard: You should be.

(Larissa starts to make her decision:)

Larissa: You guys have all been great, and this is one of the toughest decisions I've had to make .. .

Howard: Say it, Say it . . . tell us who it is. . .

Larissa: But I've decided to eliminate . . .

We interrupt this program for a special NBC report . .. (Dick Gephardt appears on his screen.)

Howard: What? WHAT! WHAT!

Mrs. Dean: Howie, now settle down . . .

Howard: (silence)

Mrs. Dean: Howie, I don't like it when you get quiet. Now, you know what the therapist said about bottling up your feelings . . .

Howard: (calm) Let's go. I have a speech to make . . .

L.A. VS. NY

My buddy Cormac and I figured out the differences between L.A. and NY:

cormacf: my envoy is considered middle-of-the-road here

cormacf: cheap cars are anything up to 25k. normal cars are 25k-40k. pretty nice cars are 40-55. nice cars are 56 and up.

cormacf: LA is a car town

cormacf: my $29k car is invisible

wawa: What is up with your town?

wawa: Man . . . isn't everyone an actor or a waitress?

cormacf: whaddya mean? In NYC it's about where you live and what you wear. In LA it's about what you drive and how hard your body is.

cormacf: yeah--actors with crazy debt to support the leased porsche

wawa: Jesus . . .I live in Queens and wear Kohls

wawa: I'm screwed

cormacf: hahahaha

cormacf: That's going on my site

wawa: No problem

wawa: Actually . . . I'm throwing it up on mine

wawa: We'll co-opt it

Worst Weekend Ever

A quick rundown on why Wawasworld weekend blew:

1) I got my car door almost ripped off by a garbage truck: I opened the door to get in, Garbage truck moves, catches my door. Boom . . . Door is as bent as Devinn Lane in "Beautiful/Nasty" (Not that I watch porn or anything). Now I have to get it appraised, insurance, etc. Dammit.

2) Missed Rilo Kiley: One of my favorite CD's of 2003 was "Execution of All Things" and my buddy had an extra ticket. Alas, I was sick and could not go. Dammit.

3) The Colts lost: Let's be honest, DOES ANYONE WANT TO SEE THE PATS PLAY THE CAROLINA PANTHERS?!?!? Does a 15-10 score sound good to you? Ugh. Snoozefest. Dammit.

4) I'm sick . . . again: Goddamn weather. It's really, really, really cold outside or just merely cold. Up, Down, Up, down. JESUS! Pick one already! With the fluctuation in temperature, I am sick as a dog. All weekend and today. No winning. Dammit

So yeah, this weekend sucked. I hope you had a good one. Dammit.

Nick and Jessica Variety Hour!

Rumor has it that ABC is developing a variety hour for our favorite couple Nick and Jessica! The NY Daily News reports that the show will be similar to such 70 classics as Sonny and Cher and the Donnie and Marie show. Wawasworld could hardly wait to see what this show is like, so we got out our crystal ball and looked into the future, to see what the first episode would look like. Take a look:

Nick: (Applause) Thank you, Thank you! Wow! What a crazy ride it's been Jessica, this past year. It feels like it's going too fast for us to enjoy!

Jessica: Like your driving? (Laugh Track)

Nick: Very funny! Take my wife please! (Laugh Track). Since me and Jessica have never hosted a variety show like this before, we're a little lost on how this all works.

Jessica: Yeah, it's oh so new to us. We're clueless here.

Nick: Kind of like you in the kitchen? (Laugh Track)

Jessica: Very funny, Nick. ha-ha. So, to clear the confusion, Nick and I went back and looked back at some of the great variety show duos. . .

Nick: Like Sonny and Cher . . .

Jessica: . . . and Donny and Marie. But believe me, we're far from brother and sister (laugh track).

Nick: And the one common theme, they all had musical numbers!

Jessica: So Nick and I decided to pay hommage to another great duo who sang together.

Nick and Jessica together: McCartney and Wonder with Ebony and Ivory!

(Cue Music for Ebony and Ivory)

Nick: Ebony and Ivory

Jessica: Live Together in Perfect Harmony

Nick: I am white

Jessica: and I'm your wife

Nick and Jessica together: Let's not fight!

Nick: Ebony and Ivory

Jessica: Live together in Perfect Harmony

Nick: I have perfect Abs

Jessica: and I'm a Dumbass, We learn to live, we learn to give

Nick and Jessica: Each other what we need to survive together alive.

Ebony, ivory living in perfect harmony (repeat and fade)