wawasworld

The Rules of Engagement

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was at a wedding on Saturday. A very good one, actually. Short Ceremony and a dessert platter (alot of couples think they can get away with just Wedding cake. I don't believe that. Hell, I'm not paying for it, so I should shut my mouth). The beauty of weddings is that you see people that you haven't seen in a long time, that you probably met through one of the couple getting married. This raises a dilemma: How do you handle the greeting? I've always been confounded by this. Wawa's world is not a touchy feely place. We like cold and distant.

Anyways, I see this one girl, who I remember, and she seemed pleasant enough. I met her like 3 times, so I thought this was worthy of the handshake. She reaches to hug me. I pull my hand away, and of course, without fail, she puts her hand out to shake mine, while I'm trying to reach over to hug her. LET THE DANCE OF AWKWARDNESS BEGIN! After the handshake/hug/handshake dilemma, she reaches over and pecks me on the cheek. As stated in this exact post, WAWA'S WORLD IS NOT TOUCHY FEELY! This is the worst possible outcome for only meeting once or twice. So I've devised some rules of engagement:

1-3 Times meeting by mutual friends: Handshake. What exactly do you know about me from these 3 times that we've met that makes you think I'd want anymore than this? I imagine we're not going to be together outside of this wedding/relatively short social gathering, so why have anymore interaction?

4-6 Times meeting by mutual friends: The Hug. Ok, fine, you probably know more than my parents at this level. You deserve a hug. Yay, you're special now. Lord knows, you're special to me when I give you a hug. Uh . . . no.

7-10 Times meeting by mutual friends: Peck on the cheek. I don't know how me and the girl at the wedding arrived at this point, but we did. At this level, I've probably told you something about myself that no one knows (and with having a blog, that's becoming increasingly tougher), so yeah, you get a peck on the cheek. Now you get a medal!

11 times or more: Peck and a hug; We're probably friends by this point, so yeah I'll give you the full Wawa package. heheheh . . . that last line sounded kind of funny.

See? Was that so difficult to understand? I think if we follow these easy, simple rules we can actually avoid the dance of awkwardness.

Weekend In Review

Not a bad weekend. I had a Wedding to go to and Football on Sunday. Wawa's world did have a couple of observations, though, after perusing the Television and listening to some music:

1) R.E.M. "New Adventures in Hi-Fi" is by far there most underrated album. E-bow the Letter and Undertow are 2 of my favorite songs from them. I think it's too easy to say I love "Automatic for the People". It's like saying my favorite Eagle song is Hotel California. So I'm saying "New Adventures in Hi-Fi" is my favorite from now on.

2) Fuck you, Red Sox fans: I was watching the Curse of the Bambino on HBO on Sunday morning. Give me a break. Let me count: 10 Division Titles, 2 World Series appearances, and you killed a man when you homered off Donnie Moore in game 7 of the '86 LCS. What do the Cubs have? NOTHING!! We haven't won a Playoff SERIES IN 95 YEARS!!! I'm a huge Cubs fan, even though I've never actually been to Wrigley or have lived in Chicago (I know, it's weird, but like Elvis Costello said when he dropped his glasses in a classic Simpsons episode: "Ah, My image!!!", it's part of Wawa's world's aura). So next time some Red Sox fan talks about the goddamn curse, I say: "It's better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all" or something like that. Fuck you, Red Sox fans. I hope to see you in HELL, you whiny babies!!!

3) "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" was upsetting to me. Cute Movie, until the end. The Greek Girl and John Corbin get a house from her family as a gift at the Wedding. . . oh that's so, cu . . whoa, huh? WHO KNEW THAT THE GREEK RESTAURANT BUSINESS WAS SO LUCRATIVE!!!

And that's how I see it from the cheap seats of Wawa's World (I need a catchphrase, and I like that one)

Robert Palmer and George Plimpton: R.I.P.

What is going on in Wawa's world??? Every week it seems I have to write another celebrity tribute. This week is no exception.

First, what can I possibly say about Robert Palmer. When you think of Video Babes from the 80's, you think of Tawny Kitaen, Cherry Pie girl, and the backing band in Palmer's videos. They are inescapable images. He has left a scar on good taste that can never be removed. But I ask: Did the babes make his music any more powerful? Indeed, they did. I remember watching a quick highlight on ESPN, and they were recapping a Seattle Supersonics/Chicago Bulls game. The Sonics at the time had a player named Gary Payton, who's nickname was the glove. Anyway, the highlight was of Payton hitting a 3 pointer. The ESPN guys screamed out: "MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT, YOU'RE ADDICTED TO GLOVE!!!" I couldn't stop laughing. Palmer had truly left his mark when they mocked his song on ESPN. So, I say to Robert Palmer, no, no, I didn't mean to turn YOU on. God Bless you, Power Station man.

Now, on to George Plimpton. Writer, Entertainer, Pop Secret pitch man. That's about all I know and care about.

Open Letter to Dave Matthews

Dear Dave,

Like most New Yorkers, I was excited to hear that you were going to play a free show in the park. I was going to get my dirtiest nastiest hippie clothes for this exciting event (which basically means the clothes I wear regularly) so I could fit in with your type of fans. I was ecstatic to hear such classics as "Crash" and "What would you say?" Yes, What would I say . . . to having to stand in a line for 2 hours because you didn't have the foresight to have more than 4 Ticket takers for an estimated 100,000 people coming to your show. I would say fuck you ya dirty bastard. Oh, BTW-I didn't even get into the show. I wonder: didn't you realize that your hippie following have no jobs (I'm jealous, of course) and that they would be coming out full force for your vocal stylings and 20 minute violin solos???? I don't want you to think I'm bitter or anything. I mean, it is season premiere week on Television. And GOD KNOWS WAWA'S WORLD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THAT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! So, here are a few suggestions for the next time you want to put on a shitty free show in Central Park:

1) Do it when TV premiere week isn't happening. Hello? I think a few people wanted to see the West Wing. I think this is just a cold and calculated move by you

2) Get more than 4 Ticket Takers: I'm sure you could hire some of your scumbag fans for an eigth to tear tickets for you. I'm sure that's already in your budget

3) Get some real guest stars: When Sheryl Crow did her free show, she had Stevie Nicks and Sting, I think. WHO THE FUCK IS WARREN HAYNES?!?!? Gov't Mule guitarist? That's your guest star? Get Elton John, hell, I'd settle for Lindsey fucking Buckingham. If Central Park is special to you, then goddamn it, treat it as such.

So Dave, take my suggestions into mind the next time you plan a debacle. Don't think I hate you. I despise you.

Hugs and Kisses,
Wawa's World

Post 100!

Well, look at that. This post will be the 100th post I've written. You're probably thinking, "hmmmm . .. it didn't seem like that many? Where has the time gone???" Well, I've written some posts that have never made the site. I've decided to release a greatest hits album, and use those extra posts as an extra disc of rarities. I may even keep some for a proposed boxset. We'll see.

So in honor of my 100th post, I've decided to write a Wawa's world guide to finding celebrities. MSN wrote an article about the hottest hotels to find celebrities. I'm not the type to go stalking hotels, so here's a list of places I go for star sightings:

1) 475 Park Avenue South: I've seen Lizzie Grubman and the bassist from Wilco here! B-listicious!

2) Bowery Ballroom: This is cheating. Stars always go to concerts, but I saw Jack Black there. Also, rumor has it that my buddy stood next to Julia Stiles at a Darkness concert. I love Julia Stiles

3) 21 Astor Place: I used to see Natalie Portman at the outdoor cafe out there all the time. I just wanted to give her a big hug.

And well, that's it. Turns out I'm not a magnet of stars. Oh well, As Casey Kasem said: Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!!

100 Posts. I'm so happy.

Defending Your Life

Goodbye, Gordon Jump:

Council: Name?

Gordon Jump: Gordon Jump

Council: Occupation?

GJ: Actor

Council: So, Mr. Jump, why do you think you should move on and not be sent back?

GJ: Well, I think I've led a fine life in comedy and I raised 4 kids and had a wonderful wife.

Council: Well, we've already taken one 70's sitcom star into our fold 2 weeks ago, and needless to say, John Ritter was a bigger star than you. Do you have any evidence pointing to the fact that you did quality work as an actor?

GJ: I was the Maytag Repairman

Council: Hmmmm .. . a man wearing a jumpsuit standing by a dryer saying how lonely he is? If we wanted lonely in our universe, we would have knocked Wawa off. Any other proof?

GJ: I was Art Carlson in the hit 70's sitcom "WKRP in Cincinatti" Here's a sample line: "Les, No more pork reports on air, ok??" I think people will always remember me for that show.

Council: You were overshadowed by Howard Hessman as Dr. Johnny Fever. We will give you one more chance before we send you back.

GJ (Thinking): Wait! I got it! I played Maggie Seaver's father on Growing Pains. I was an integral part of that show for 5 episodes. You remember when I gave all the kids on the show $5000 each, and they went on shopping sprees???? CLASSIC GROWING PAINS!

Council: YOU were on Growing Pains? Open the Doors, guards. Gordon Jump, you're jumping onto heaven.

How Much for a Lap Dance?

I'll probably have a longer blog later, but I came across this nice little story about Shaun Alexander, the Running Back of the Seahawks. Turns out he had a baby in the first quarter and rushed over to the game right after, and made it for the rest of the game. The new baby was named "Heaven"

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Shaun. Jesus, do you know what kind of curse you've put on your baby? Heaven is the name of a stripper, such as Jeeves or Jarvis is the name of a butler.

"Now dancing Centerstage, Heaven!" Let's hope she goes by Hev.

Conan: 10 Years of Greatness

Conan O'Brien recently celebrated his 10th Anniversary on NBC. I haven't been watching him recently, due to my old age and that I can't really hack it that late anymore (also, it competes with Sportscenter quite a bit). However, kudos to him for making it to this milestone. It got me thinking, though, what's the secret to the show's success? I mean, how can Wawa's world make it to 10 years on Jefke's server with meaningful success? I decided it's the wacky characters that have made it onto Conan's show that have driven it: The Masturbating Bear, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Pimp Bot 2000 (This one is my favorite by far).

So, in honor of Conan, I've tossed around some characters that may make an appearance on Wawa's World (of course, noting the commentary that I get, they will be rejected as either unfunny, homoerotic, or a combination of both):

1) Annie, The Girl who thinks guys are always trying to sleep with her:

Random Stranger: Do you want to sleep with me?

Annie: ARE YOU TRYING TO SLEEP WITH ME?!??!?

2) Randy, The Stoner Ice-Cream Man:

Little Boy: Chipwich, please

Randy: Duuuuude, I finished those hours ago. Maaaan, how about a bag of Fri-to's?

3) Elaine, the lazy eyed girl:

Friend: Hey Elaine

Elaine: Hey, friend

Friend: Elaine, I'm over here

As you can see, none of those characters were actually funny, so Hat's off to you, Conan, for creating a rich creative world of odd characters and funny skits!!!

Fashion Week

This entire week in NYC has been devoted to the Fashion Industry. What does this all mean? This means hot models invade our city for the entire week (well, even more models than usual). Fashion Week is perfect for this town in comparison to bringing in the Olympics. Less traffic, no Canadians invading our fair city, and well, hot models instead of manly Eastern European swimmers. But does having fashion week really have an effect on our local economy in a positive way that hosting an Olympics would? Wawa's World took an in-depth look at the ups and downs for our economy here in NY during Fashion week:

1) Sales of Laxitives up: Hmmm . .. I would say that's merely just a coincidence, not an actual by product of having anorexic models trying to stay pretty for the cat-walk. Funny, Laxitive sales also go up when Lara Flynn Boyle is in town. Interesting.

2) Meat Dishes in Restaurant sales down: When you have beautiful models in town, they don't really actually eat meat. Which brings me to . . .

3) Salad Sales Up: They don't really eat the salad. More pick at it. As Eddie Murphy said in Raw:

"I'll just have a salad"

"Baby, I just heard your stomach grumble"

"Oh that? I'm not really hungry"

"Bitch, eat something!"

My sentiments exactly, Eddie.

4) Puffy Sightings Up: How does this relate to the economy? More Puffy, means more papers sold!!! That's what I've always gathered, since he's always on my damn page 6. an aside: Must I see Russell Simmons on my page 6 as well???

5) Vintage Concert T-Shirt Sales up: Since that's the hot thing right now, models are buying them up left and right. Remember when Grunge was in, and they bought tons of flannel? I don't EVER want those days to come back. At least with the vintage T's, you see more flesh.

So, after measuring all these key details, it seems that the lovely ladies of Victoria's Secret, The Ford Modeling agency etc. invading our great city is a good thing. I hope it's fashion week every week from now on.

The Ukelele

About a month ago, I was reading about Rolling Stones Ranking of the Greatest Guitarist Players of all time. Out of all the lists I have ever gotten upset about (Pop Icons, 100 Greatest Artists in Rock N' Roll etc. Jesus, all VH1 Shows. I should avoid that channel), this one drove me over the edge.

However, then I thought to myself, "self, should you be upset? We don't play the guitar in Wawa's world. We play the Ukelele" So here now is Wawa's world greatest Ukelele players of all time:

1) Tiny Tim: Was it No. 1 Hit Tip Toe Through The Tulips that made him a legend? Was it the hair? Nope. It was the way he rocked the ukelele and brought a sense of style to the craft. Even from the grave, we can still hear the smooth Ukelele stylings of this legend.

2) Don Ho: Luau's would never be the same without "Tiny Bubbles" Lighters are ablazing when we hear the searing ukelele solo on this song. At a recent show, we asked his fans what made Ho so good: "Tiny Bubbles, dude. Can't you picture the Pig on a spit, turning and turning while that goddamn rocking song is on???" Yes, yes we can.

3) Eddie Vedder: Yes, he does play the ukelele. And it's my blog, so I can put him in whenever I like!

4) Peter Buck: The entire basis of "Automatic For the People" and "Out of Time" was his ukelele playing in the background. Since this is actually quality music, and nothing worth mocking, I stop here.