wawasworld

Seattle and Vancouver

I'll be away the next couple of days, so no new blogs. I know you're upset. What you should do is take a look at the new format, reread old Wawa world posts, and comment on the following topics:

1) Is peace possible in the Middle East??? The Forward, the leading Jewish newspaper, says it's impossible.
2) What should Wawa have on the plane: McDonalds or Burger King. It's Jet Blue, so only snacks are served.
3) Should we allow the Ten Commandments into the courts of America?

After you ponder these questions, I should be back by then.

Bastard Child

I know what you are thinking: "Um . . .What happened to my Wawa's world?" Well, as if you didn't already know, Wawa's world is actually the bastard child of Jefke.com. And now it's official! Yup, Wawa's world looks just like Dear old dad Jefke.com, but with the Mailman's eyes.

With any new re-launch, there are a few people to thank:

Kiely (Lighting Director)
George (Guitar Tech)
Kelly Curtis (Manager)
Beth (Ex-Wife)

and finally, I'd like to send a special thanks to Jefke for making the dream come true, and who said the following to me after I issued an open challenge:

" . . . well good for you warren, you're asserting yourself and for that i will return your daggers with hugs. big loving hugs."

(sniff, sniff) This redesign must have been the hugs you promised. You really, really like me!

I love the Ice Age

VH1 has "I love the 80's" and "I love the 70's" Not here in Wawa's world. WE LOVE THE ICE AGE! With our celebrity panel we wax nostalgic over the beggining of time. Take a look:

"Wooly Mammoths":

Don Cheadle: Yeah, those things were super-cool. Was it an elephant or a mammoth? I sure couldn't tell.

Britney Spears: OH MY GOD! I LOVEEEEEED THE WOOLY MAMMOTH. I said to my mama, can we get one for the dawning of the age of aquarius, and she was like sooo rude about it. "Not until your old enough to take care of it, Brit" Now my little sister has one, and I am soooo pissed. I need a boy.

"Fire":

Todd Bridges: I liked fire. Without it, I couldn't light my crack.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I need Fia to light the flame of my govehnancy. I remembe when Caveman #1 came to me, and said: "Wuh . . . Fia" I laff and laff. What a puhny mahn.

"Caveman Club":

Caveman Lawyer: I'm just a caveman lawyer. I didn't understand your silly ways on how to use the club, but then I slipped and hit a beast over it's head with it, and then I used that amazing invention "Fire," to cook the meat.

Matt Damon: Didn't Robin Williams kind of look like a Caveman in "Good Will Hunting?" That guy is hairy.

"Rocks":

Caveman Lawyer: Without the rock, I couldn't do my primitive drawings on walls of my tribe being shafted by a wooly mammoth and being attacked by rival tribes.

Jennifer Lopez: My Pequito, Ben, he bought me a rock from the Ice Age.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Toothpaste

Yup, the apocolypse is upon us: Mary-Kate and Ashley have launched their own Toothpaste!

Wawa is going to have a brand new smile for all the ladies! Rowwwww . .. .

Gambling

In Wawa's world, nothing makes us happier then gambling. Personally, I like to gamble when no family members around (I.E.-Dad). So for a get-away weekend, my brother, sister-in-law, and myself went up to Mohegan Sun to blow off some steam. I thought I didn't have to relive the great gambling scandal of 1999 when my father and I almost came to blows over blackjack, but alas, there was someone at my table who was eeirily familiar:

(Wawa has a soft 17, which is a 6 and Ace for you novices, and the woman at the end of the table has a 16, while the dealer is showing a 7. Wawa chooses to take a hit)

Wawa: Hit me

Asian Woman Stranger: Why you hit? You soft 17! You have draw (tie). DRAW WIN!

Wawa: They are my cards. Why don't you worry about yourself. By the way, you're suppossed to hit on a 16.

Asian Woman Stranger: Ay, you see

(Wawa gets a 10, and ends up with 17 regardless, and dealer has a 16, hits, and has a 5. 21. Table loses).

Asian Woman Stranger: YOU TAKE BUST CARD! SHE LOSE! WE WIN! You no play game right. YOU EGG ON FACE!

Wawa: Listen, it's a free country. You're up four thousand dollars right now (I was watching her pile grow, while I was seething in envy). I think you can stand to lose $200, ok, champ? Dealer, what should I have done?

Dealer: Soft 17? Eh . . .take a hit if you're a gambler, stay if you're here to draw.

Wawa: See??? Why don't you keep getting those 20's and 21's so you don't have to think. I'm struggling over here (Takes a drag off of Cigarette like only a degenerate gambler can).

Asian Woman Stranger: YOU NO PLAY RIGHT! WE SWITCH! I take last seat after you. You no how to play.

Dealer: Maam, would you please lower your voice.

Asian Woman Stranger: He taked my money away from me. I no forget his attitude. No respect.

Wawa: (cough, cough) bitch (Yes, I actually did do this. She couldn't speak engrish, so whatever).

Open Challenge

While recovering from my Black out, I was perusing my list of blogs that I regularly read, and here was this little tidbit from jefke.com about my blog and where I fit in this world:

2) Mock interview/pith social commentary via contrived situations....now i don't mean contrived in a bad way, but there a the whole "blog about xyz" thing which is a sly ironic sense acutally makes fun of xyz. I'd love to put wawa in that category, but sadly, well he's just sad.

A couple of things: I make absolutely NO social commentary. My blog is like Marshmallows: tasty, but with no nutritional value. This is exactly how I lead my life.

With Jefke throwing down the gauntlet like this, I have no decided to challenge him to a duel to the blogging death! Winner takes all, Loser leaves Blogville. For you to understand, here is a tale of the tape:

Jefke Weight: 110 Lbs.
Wawa's Weight: 310 Lbs.

Jefke's "Height": 4 ft. 7 in.
Wawa's "Height": 6 ft. 1 in.

Jefke's Greatest Accomplishment: Setting up Wawa's blog
Wawa's Greatest Accomplishment: Once gambled for 46 straight hours in Las Vegas.

Jefke's Fighting Style: Bitterness
Wawa's Fighting Style: Fast hand slaps

So as you can see, this really would be no contest. As Axl Rose would say, Jeffica, GET IN THE RING!

Insane Clown Posse

Nothing really on my mind today, but I did get this in my inbox about The Worst Rock Band on the planet

LONG LIVE THE POSSE!

Concert Going Rules

Last night, I went to the Aimee Mann/Ben Folds concert in Central Park. I'm beggining to think that people bug the hell out of me at shows. As you know, the backbone of Wawa's world is concert going and music. I'm not really a music snob (I don't listen to enough indie to fall into this category), but I think I have the "arena rock" thing down pat.

Before I go into the rules, let me just say, I am a hypocrite. I have done all of these things that I'm going to mention, and believe me, I hate myself for being all that I hate (make sense?). But now that I've admitted that I'm a hypocrite, I'm pretty much allowed to say what I want and then do the complete opposite. I mean, isn't that the definition of a hypocrite? So all these rules, chances are, I've broken them and I will probably break them again. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD BREAK THEM! So here it is:

1) Shut the fuck up: This is especially annoying at Summerstage, but Christ, if you're going to stand around and talk with your friends and drink overpriced beer and NOT listen to the music, then go to a goddamn bar. Hell, stay at home, and listen to the CD as background music as you eat brie and drink wine. See if I give a fuck. But when I pay $47 to see a show, I don't want to hear you talk about your day, your boyfriend/girlfriend, your job, your commute etc. So turn your head, bob to the music, and shut the fuck up!

(Disclaimer: You are, however, allowed to make pithy comments to your friends in-between songs, such as "boy, I love that song" or "God, she's hot." Other than that, do not say a word).

2) Down with Cell Phones: I actually did this in Boston a couple of weeks ago, and then I thought to myself, "Man, I am so cheesy" This is when a song comes on, you dial up your friend, hold up the cell phone, and let them listen. This is rude in 2 regards: 1) You're probably blocking someone's view and 2) Your friend doesn't really give a shit or you're making them feel bad for not being there. I am never going to do this EVER again

3) No Lighters: Self-explanatory. We don't live in the 70's anymore and, again, you are probably blocking someone's view.

4) Do not sing loudly with the songs: I may have broken this rule last night (and MANY times in the past). Hey, we all get caught up in the action. I understand that. However, this can be disconcerting for other people, namely me. But I think I found a happy medium: How about whispering along with the words???? You may look like a retard, but hey, that's ok, just as long as you don't bother me.

(Disclaimer: Sing-Alongs are ok when requested by such artist.)

5) Air guitar shows enthusiasm: I love the air guitar. It's dorky, I know. I wouldn't reccommend doing it, but I'll let it slide, because you're at least listening and you care. And yes, I have been known to partake in the Air-guitar and Air drum (IN THE AIR TONIGHT!)

Follow these rules, and we can all live comfortably in Wawa's world of concert-going.

Spellbound

Last night, a buddy and I saw this amazing documentary about 8 Jr. High kids preparing for the National Spelling Bee called "Spellbound" However, the producers didn't give you the full picture. There were outtakes from this film. That's right: your very own Wawa was the 9th competitor who did not appear in the film.

A little background: I knew I wasn't going to win in my county, so I moved to Thomasville, Mississippi, where the reading level is somewhere around 5th grade for adults. My winning word in the competition was "Card" After cleaning up down there, I moved onto the national competition. Needless to say, I wasn't so successful. Take a look:

Moderator: Please spell "MYXOMATOSIS "

Wawa: Whoa, whoa, whoa. The girl with the thick glasses before me got "Cat." Dude, c'mon. Gotta be something easier in your bag of tricks!

Moderator: Sir, all the girls here have thick glasses. Did you just call me Dude?

Wawa: D-U-D-E, Dude. See? I told you you could come up with an easier word.

Moderator: Sir, your word is MYXOMATOSIS, not dude. Now, please spell it.

Wawa: Damn you. What's the origin of the word?

Moderator: It's latin.

Wawa: Can you spell it for me?

Moderator: Sir, that is your job

Wawa: Whoops! Got a little confused there. Um . . . . can I get the meaning?

Moderator: A disease pertaining to a rabbit (This is actually true)

Wawa: Have you ever had grilled rabbit? Tastes like chicken.

Moderator: Sir, please spell the word

Wawa: You sure I can't spell DUDE?

Moderator: No

Wawa: Damn. Um . . . Mixematosis? MYXOMATOSIS (Bell rings)

Moderator: M-Y-O-X-M-A-T-O-S-I-S

Wawa: I demand a respell!!! The moderator mispronounced the word.

Moderator: Security

(Angry Wawa is grabbed from stage and dragged away)Wawa: RESPELL, RESPELL . . . .

Blackout

Here is an eventful conversation between my roommate and me during the great blackout of 8/14/03. Man, never have I wanted a TV as bad as I did that night:

Wawa: (silence)

Tim (wawa roommate): (silence)

Wawa: (silence)

Tim: (silence)

Wawa: Shit, it's hot

Tim: Yup. Oh, btw, I got donuts, just in case.

Wawa: (Leaps from Chair, into the kitchen, grabs glazed donut. In-between full mouth . . . )Man, it's real hot.

Tim: Yup. It's hot

Wawa: (Silence)